| Quotes of the Month
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"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
- Will Rogers
"Make no mistake about why these babies are here; they are here to replace us."
- Jerry Seinfeld
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Joke Time
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A captain on a cruise ship entirely occupied by a trial bar convention calls to nearby passengers to point out a large school of sharks just of the port side. Suddenly there is a scream and a splash is heard! "That poor man was leaning over the rail to take a picture and fell overboard!" cried a panicked passenger. "He's doomed!" thought the captain, as he watched the man flounder in the sea while the sharks slowly circled about him.
Suddenly, to the captain's unbelieving eyes, one of the sharks slid under the passenger, hoisted him on its back, and swam over to the side of the ship. A ladder was lowered, and the lawyer scrambled up to the deck and safety.
The stunned captain turned to the leader of the conference group who stood calm and smiling, as if the outcome had never been in doubt. "I've never seen anything like that in all my seafaring days!" sputtered the captain. "How can you explain it?"
The lawyer smiled. "Professional courtesy."
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Dingbats and Dillweeds: Because Everyone Loves an Idiot!
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I'm not sure you know what "dangerously" means, El Guapo.
According to Consumer Reports, many Americans are living "dangerously." To whit:
- 73% sometimes use cotton swabs to clean inside their ears
- 39% eat raw cookie dough
- 24% sometimes do not fasten their seat belts
- 48% do not have a carbon monoxide detector at home, and
- 32% eat undercooked hamburgers.
We at IIF are relieved to know we can drop those silly, relatively mild risky ideas about jumping a motorcycle over a canyon or running with the bulls. No, sirree! We are going to strike terror into our insurance underwriters by eating raw cookie dough WHILE cleaning our inner ears with cotton swabs! Take THAT, you bungy-jumping, black diamond skiing wimps!
Source: The Week
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News Flash
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"Lord Mr. Ford, What Have You Done?"
Ford has a tradition of innovation that inspires classic lines such as this from late singer/songwriter Jerry Reid. According to a recent press release, they're at it again. Apparently executives at Ford Motor Company have had just about enough of you, young man! The company says many of its 2010 models will come equipped with special keys for teenagers. The keys will include technology that regulates both the speed of the vehicle as well as the volume of the audio system.
We here at IIF think Ford is on to something. We herewith submit our request that Ford also make available the following additional special keys:
Senior Citizen Key: When inserted, an eye exam automatically appears on the windshield, keeping the car from starting if failed. Once car is started, drivers seat will be raised until entire driver head appears about steering wheel, and turns will be prohibited from any lane not an actual turn lane.
Parent of Young Children Key: Requires a driver neck attachment which, if due to movement and increased heart rate, senses driver has turned at least half way around to yell at - or reach for - those in rear seats, automatically slows van/suv to a crawl, pulls off side of road, and shuts down until heart rate returns to normal. After four such incidents within 30 minutes, car remains on side of road, soundproof barrier raises between front seat and rear of vehicle, calming aromatherapy is released, and MP3 of "Comfortably Numb" plays, followed by soothing nature sounds for fifteen minutes.
Directionally Impaired Male Drive Key. Developed as a joint venture with AAA. Anytime the device senses that the car's GPS has said "Recalculating Route" at least three times in the last hour, the car pulls off the road, shuts down, and the driver must call AAA, admit he is lost, and ask directions. Only then will the AAA operator send a signal to the vehicle allowing a restart.
Multitasking Addict Key. Also known as the Blackberry Blocker or I-Phone Interceptor Key. After starting the car, at the second detected wandering lane change and/or seemingly random variation in vehicle speed, a jamming device automatically blocks incoming of outgoing signals from any handheld electronic communication device.
So what are your ideas for Ford specialty keys? We'd love to see! Wing them our way, and the best will appear in a future issue. The best of the best wins an II
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"Finding a Diamond Among the Coal!" Department
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Surely you've heard that many folks now refer to the World Wide Web as the "World Wide Waste." The amount of digital flotsam and jetsam arriving daily merely from ex-Nigerian officials with a need to move money out of the country is enough to clog up the mightiest mailbox filter!
We mean, how much fun is dealing with that? So here at IIF, where we are always about more fun, we decided-as a public service-to help. Each issue, we will find you a diamond from among the coal, a swan from among the geese, a pearl from among the swine-well, you get the idea. So feel free to reroute all your current e-mail bloat into that "automatically delete" file, while trusting us here at IIF headquarters to pass on anything truly worthy of our valued attention. And hey, it'll be fun!
This issue:
Ever desire to propel insults in the direction of those who dare to question your intelligence? If so, nothing solidifies your position as that person's mental superior like an insult taken straight from the works of one of the world's greatest intelligentsia members: William Shakespeare.
Visit www.pangloss.com/seidel/Skaker to be insulted by the literary icon and use his wit as a weapon against your foe. Being called a "bawdry tardy-gaited flax-wench" or "lumpish spur-galled pigeon-egg" never felt so good!
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Phenom or Fraud? Take Your Pick!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simon and Garfunkle once sang: "I feel I've been fakin it; not really makin it!"
How many producers could claim that as their theme song?
I remember watching my friend Chris Burand stand in front of a group of agents at a seminar, showing a PowerPoint slide of "What it Costs to Quote". His numbers were solid, yet the prevailing reaction of the audience was disbelief. "Oh, come on, that can't be right" muttered more than one attendee. Basically, they didn't want to believe the average producer is literally wasting tens of thousands of dollars a year quoting on accounts they have either little chance of writing or shouldn't even be trying to write.
How could anyone waste such amounts and not know it?
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Brand Tip: Enjoy People, Enjoy Work
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 Happy Birthday to me. On January 24, I turned 50. I figure my life is about half over, Lord willing. The first half was pretty darn good. I missed the 'Nam draft yet was old enough to appreciate the Beatles and some truly original rock and roll. Despite the dearth of, ahem, laws to protect teens in the 1970s, I made it through high school and college. (Yes, Rutgers, the perennial sports doormat, finally has awoken.) I even survived A Flock of Seagulls and the New York City two-martini lunch in the 1980s. The 1990s were great, with marriage to a nice Florida girl (go Gators), followed by a couple of apparently well-behaved daughters. In 1999, at age 40, I was done with working for "the man" and opened a marketing firm focusing on insurance. Unable to contain my excitement, Insurance is fun! soon followed.
All together now: "We don't care about your birthday, and we really didn't ask for your life story."
Please indulge me, dear Funsters; I hope the following will make sense.
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Book Of the Month - The Numerati by Stephen Baker
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Math wizards move into cyberspace to dominate the online advertising universe. Learn about the fascinating methods used to compile the data that is the reason why you see the things you see on your screen while navigating the Web. See the science behind how an online retailer can stretch advertising budgets to their greatest capacity while at the same time reaching clickers more likely to buy. Finally, learn why insurance providers that shun such a science as nothing more than invasive and inconclusive are destined to fail sooner than later. Read it today!
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Product Deal of the Month: Let Your IIF Flag Fly!
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It's rough out there.
So don't sign another bailout check or prepare another resume until you peruse the plethora of potential spirit-lifting possibilities at the IIF Store! Where else can you get that perfect insurance day brightener with that perfect insurance message such as "Bind me, Baby!" or "Kiss me, I'm All Risk!" or a personal favorite "Forget my exclusions, let's talk about your limitations!"
Too many gloom-dissipating options to decide? Not willing to guess wrong on that clothing size? Practice true risk management with an IIF gift certificate!
Perhaps that insurance person on your list enjoys combining flawlessly correct coverage interpretations with a bit of humor and musicality? Then he or she will love a copy of the latest collection of coverage articles from Chris Amrhein: "Yes, Virginia, There is Insurance!"
But you better hurry! Your favorite insurance person could be going out on that ledge even now - click that link!
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Picture of the Month: Dog Got Your Back, Dude!
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"Come on human, sing it with me: Like a true nature's child, we were born, born to be wild. We can climb so high, I never wanna - oh, oh. Um, you wouldn't mind pulling over at the next fire hydrant, would ya?"
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