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The Awareness of Change: Seasons and the Passage of Time.
"Certainly, post-death grief calls us to a profound awareness of change--embeded in the flow of living on-going changes"...A. Barbara Coyne: You Don't have to Like It,But You Do Have to Live It (Chapter V,p.94)
The Rhythm of Living; The Passage of Time
Time passes, change happens and often in the busy rhythm of living, we are only subtly aware of the actual changes until we reflect on the passage of time. Some things/events however, call our deliberate focus to the changing scene in a variety of ways. November is such a time of reflection: it brings the many changes of the season itself; the beginning of the long "holiday season"; another year coming to an end; and sometimes there is a reflective wistfulness about promises made, kept...or not kept. It is appropriate, then,that it is also National Family Caregivers Month, a month set aside to raise awareness of the difficult road of those who care for others. The purpose of this and other dedicated observances is to raise public awareness, offer information, tips for living, resources available, and some also focus on research and are active in influencing public policy about the issue. In this way, ideas and approaches may be changed/enhanced.
Thoughts On National Caregivers Month
"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace....to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive....It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life".. St. Francis of Assisi (13th century)
The beautiful prayer of St. Francis comes to mind especially at this time of observing caregivers month. As I reviewed the many observance awareness groups for all twelve months, I was struck by the absence of one crucial "living topic" for which there is no observance month, week or day. Of course, I am talking about grief: I found no "National Grief Observance Month". And yet, unlike all those other National Health Observances that impact some individuals, families or communities, grief impacts all individuals, families and communities...at some time! I know no other "living topic" that requires public awareness so much as the ubiquitous nature of grief. While grief is certainly implied in many observances, it is often subsumed under the rubric of "stress",which calls attention to it but...in a tangential way. (My point is not to minimize the focus on caregiver--or any other-- observances, but rather to suggest that perhaps, grief could be afforded proportional emphasis?).
Here is a way targeted observances can change approaches: because of the focus brought to bear on caregiver stress, its impact on the work environment and vice versa, businesses are increasingly open to flexibility for caregiver employees in their job responsibilities, offering paid or unpaid leave under the Federal Family Leave Act (FMLA), creating a more employee-friendly work environment, and by offering information, counseling, etc...but "bereavement leave" remains constant at 3-5 days, often depending on who in your connection died. And on returning from bereavement leave, is there a focus on creating a more employee-friendly work environment...flexibile hours...is there information available...counseling? In most instances, the answer is no: there is often a reluctance to mention the reason you were "away" for a few days. Certainly, there are many differences among places of employment so, know your orgnization's policies, what benefits are included in your work contract and do learn the possibilities under the FMLA for bereavement leave.
On Giving and Receiving Care
"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life, That no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself...." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Emerson's words echo the beauty of the Prayer of Saint Francis and so reinforce what we already know: in giving care to others, we also receive the bounty of that care.
Giving care to others through the deliberate focus on November as Caregivers Month reminds us of this value but it also reminds us of the toll caregiving can take. It emphasizes the importance of caring for self as an integral part of caring for others and as a result, disseminates much information and many suggestions of how to care for oneself in the difficult process of caregiving.
Since there is no dedicated National Grief Observance Month, I urge those of you who are now in grief to pay attention to the many suggestions available...journals,TV, radio, books, newspapers offer useful and varied ways to care for yourself as you care for others. While the emphasis is on those who are now caregivers, the suggestions are applicable to those in grief as well; many of whom may now be caregivers: life does not stand still...and in the midst of your grief, you may also be responsible for the care of others.
Pay attention to the many and widely available tips, choose those that resonate with you. I will not reiterate those suggestions here, they are widely available in a variety of media and will continue to be so as November slides inexorably into the "holiday season". I will offer some reminders here specifically for those in grief...and appropriate as well to caregivers...for there is much loss and grief throughout any caregiving process:
*Grief is not a sickness but it can contribute to making you sick...grieving uses vital energy which explains ,in part, why you are fatigued when you are in grief. Attend to this "wisdom of the body" calling you to gentle down, take care of yourself as you learn to "release the weight of your emptiness" (fully explored in my book, chapter VII, especially pp.181-198 and Question #1, p.201 about fatigue).
*Tolerate your pain, having faith that you will get through this; trusting that you have the internal resources to do it; nurturing your patience as you muster the courage to actively engage the difficult work-of-grief. To paraphrase the Japanese poet, Kenji Miyazawa(1896-1933)....embrace your pain and burn it as fuel for your journey.
*Spend some time in quiet solitude and some with family and friends who willingly bear witness to your grief without offering cliches that attempt to "fix" your pain.
*Participate in rituals that honor your dead,respect your grief,and pay tribute to the Transcendent Power of your worship tradition.
*Hold tight to this: there is no formula, no right way, no clear prescribed pathway, no predictable trajectory,and above all....no "stages"! But we know from the historical evidence of human existence that people have grown through their experiences of grief by embracing it within their personal patterns. So, in the final analysis, you choose your way. This is both the privelege and the burden of the human condition: each chooses one's own direction in all life situations. You are the actor and director in your unfolding biography and the story of your grief is uniquely yours (you might review "September Morning" in my archives). Seek support and comfort wherever you find it..always within the context of knowing that you really do know what is best for you....do not let well-meaning others direct the script of your grief story. And.....
*Make some time for joy and laughter. In this caregivers month, as the season of your grief collides with the bleak cold winter and the extended season of merry-making, remember always that "laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face" (Victor Hugo).
In conclusion, live in the wholeness of joy and sadness, laughter and tears, solitude and companionship, prayer and meditation....and have faith in your belief that you will see your way through this season of your grief...hold firm to these powerful words from Saint Augustine: "Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to finally see what you believe."
Make it a wondrous THANKSGIVING...there is much to be thankful for; the wonders that you make of this day will sustain you in the long "holiday season" that is upon us.
Until next time, my very best to all...
Barbara | 
