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August Reflections: On Balance, Proportion, and Choice.
"Wise are they who have learned these truths: trouble is temporary, time is tonic, tribulation is a test tube".
William Archer Ward (1921-1994),
Author, teacher, pastor
August heralds the coming of a shift in seasons...a time of reflection. In my time of reflecting, I am called to the many people who, in some way, talk about their struggle to find "balance" in their lives. Sometimes this takes the form of rhetorical questions or musings, seeking not so much "answers" as
a kind of "understanding" of some of the tribulations that try our lives.
The Test Tube of Tribulation
As we participate in the unfolding process of living, we often find ourselves inundated with responsibilities, obligations and generally, "things to do". It is in light of this that we frequently hear all the wonderful suggestions having to do with the need to create balance in our lives. We are told that we must balance working and playing; eating and exercising; being alone and being with others; doing for self and doing for others and so balance all aspects of our lives. Now certainly, this is very good advice, but perhaps, it is also an elusive quest. As the rhythm and flow of living shifts, we sometimes find ourselves overwhelmed by the weight of it all....and when you are in grief, these responsibilities and obligations weigh even heavier since a loss comes in the midst of everything else that is going on in your life (see Introduction, my recently published book). And so, the quest for this elusive balance is further complicated by your grieving and mourning. Let me paraphrase the profound wisdom in Elizabeth Gilbert's somewhat light-hearted book (Eat,Pray, Love): "...to lose balance sometimes, for love, is part of living a balanced life." Now, let's explore the "musings" about "balance".
Tom's Rhetorical Questions/Musings
Consider the reflective questions/musings of a young man I will call Tom who struggles with responsibilities, obligations and "things to do" as he engages the work-of-grief related to the recent death of his wife; note the hesitation and self-questioning in his musings:
"I feel so lost...my plate is just so full right now...right now...I wonder how much time should I spend with my mother...she's in a nursing home...she misses my dad and her own home...she's getting weaker...so frail and forgetful...she's disintegrating in front of my eyes...but I have my kids...my work...and I miss my wife...I read all those caregiver hints...I know I have to get some balance in my life..How do you do that???"
Do you hear Tom's plaintive plea? I paraphrase his poignant reflective questioning/musing as one instance that is representative of the many people who constantly confront similar situations and who also wonder how to "get balance" in their lives. Let me emphasize: all those "caregiver suggestions" are worthy of careful reading and of implementing those that might "fit" for you. Perhaps, however, not unlike Tom,you wonder, what makes that so hard to do? Walk with me through a possible explanation of what I have called an elusive quest for balance.
For those of you who read my messages or have read my book, you know that I place considerable emphasis on words because they have great power to shape our experience of the world. The significance of words is best expressed by Mark Twain, who said: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." So, is "balance" a lightning bug? Perhaps. It could become the"right word"...if we consider it in relation to another powerful word that adds dimension, a broader meaning, and the element of inevitable choice; that word? proportion.
Balance, Proportion and Choice
Balance has to do with "equal distribution of weight, amount, etc." and proportion has to do with "comparative relations between things as to size, quantity, ratio, etc." (both from Random House dictionary). A very quick reading of these two definitions begins to reveal the elusiveness of "balance", which calls for equal distribution of all aspects, while "proportion" points toward bringing into relationship all aspects.
Many of the writings on balancing our lives are oriented to this equal distribution, in fact, there are many charts, wheels, graphs and other tools by which you may "score" yourself on a variety of "measures" to determine your "balance". Without a doubt, there is much to be learned from these measures of our "wholeness". But also without a doubt, they leave out the crucial dimension of proportionality, perhaps because it reminds us of a most difficult aspect of living life's "tribulations": the inescapable need to apportion time and energy to meet the responsibilities and obligations of our busy and often, chaotic lives.This means that we must choose among the options available, act on the decisions we make and live the consequences of those choices, decisions and actions: balancing living has to do with deliberate attention to proportionality.
So, the way we get to "balance" is through apportioning time and energy to our "things to do". The difficulty in acknowledging the need to deliberately attend to proportion is rooted in the reality of human limitation in making choices: we cannot be all things to all people, we have only so much time and energy and we have minimal, if any, control over circumstances and yet, we must choose! It is at this intersection of choice and circumstance that we learn the distinction between "being in control" and "taking charge". Because we often don't like any of the choices, we question, wonder and search for answers only to find more questions, and in the search, we exhaust ourselves and awaken the sleeping giant of "guilt".
As we gradually come to grasp the reality of the limitations of the human condition showing us that we really can't "have it all"or "do it all", we begin to appreciate the wisdom of Helen Keller, who told us that "toleration is the greatest gift of the human mind". So, we tolerate the sadness and pain that often accompany our human limitations and we embrace our responsibilities and obligations doing our best in any given situation: we do not berate ourselves, acknowledging that often our best is not quite good enough: that is the nature of being-human.
In conclusion, "balance" announces itself as we embrace the joy, the beauty and music in the dance of living; tolerate the inevitable pain, sadness and anguish of "apportioning" time and energy when the dance of living disappoints....knowing that all things pass. And we appreciate Homer, who said "even his griefs are a joy long after to one that remembers all that he wrought and endured."
(The Odyssey)
Untill the next time,
Barbara
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