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Dear Subscriber,
Welcome to 4th edition of Traditional Parent e-newsletter. We hope you enjoy this issue and please encourage your friends, family, co-workers, and church to subscribe to the e-newsletter by signing up at the www.rosemond.com homepage.
Summer is coming to a close soon and we have lots of exciting plans for the rest of the year!
1.) John's latest book, The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that REALLY Works!, is being released in September. Be on the lookout for pre-order discounts in our next newsletter and at www.rosemond.com.
2.) New Product Availability - We are diligently working on a new 2 part DVD set that will accompany The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that REALLY Works!. This will also be available the this coming fall.
3.) John's Speaking Tour - We are kicking off the fall speaking tour with parent retreats in Atlanta and Connecticut. Read more about these "life changing" retreats below. And be sure to check out John's speaking schedule for the fall. We have confirmed events in California, South Dakota, Ohio, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Texas and more! We still have availability during John's week in Texas so if you are interested in John coming to speak at your church, school or community organization while he is there, please contact Katharine Sanford at katharine@rosemond.com.
We continue invite you to submit their own articles, stories, or parenting techniques for future editions of this e-newsletter. You can submit articles to feedback@rosemond.com.
Thanks for reading and continuing to support John's traditional parenting message!
All the best to you and your family,
John Rosemond and Staff
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On My Mind by John Rosemond
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 "Spanking Convulsions"
Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond*
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Sometimes, the truth brings out the worst in people. Or, it reveals them for what they are. Case in point: Some time back, I agreed to take the "pro-spanking" position in an online debate held at OpposingViews.com. I told the moderators that I am not actually in favor of spankings; specifically, and as I clearly say in Parenting by The Book, I do not feel they are necessary to the proper discipline of a child. I simply feel that with some children, on certain rare occasions, spanking is the best disciplinary option. They said that was fine, and the debate was on.
The people on the other side of the debate were brave souls indeed. Rather than give their names, they hid behind an international organization known as EPPOCH-End Physical Punishment of Children. EPOCH's main objective is to persuade government entities to make laws that ban parental spanking, at which they have enjoyed some heady success (see the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, which EPPOCH has a not-so-silent hand in). So, John Rosemond debates EPPOCH, whoever that is.
My strategy was to simply tell the truth, which is that (a) well-done research, along with common sense, fails to confirm the argument put forth by EPPOCH and other anti-spankers: to wit, spanking teaches children that violence toward others is an acceptable way of resolving conflict; and (b) well-done research finds that children whose parents occasionally spank score higher on measures of adjustment than children whose parents do not spank. Correlation does not mean causation, but it means something, eh?
The truth sent my opponents into orbit. As is typical of zealots who cannot answer a person's rational argument, they began calling me names, all of which boiled down to "monster." Unable to persuade me to accept that their self-righteous rants were right, they or their proxies then went to Amazon.com and submitted a rash of one-star reviews for Parenting by The Book, which had otherwise had received all but one 5-star reviews (the sole exception being a 4-star), bringing its "score" down to three stars. Every one-star review excoriated me for promoting spanking, which the book in question does not, by any stretch. In other words, said ranting reviewers did not read the book. Like a bunch of juvenile delinquents who egg someone's house after he calls the police on them for toilet-papering trees in the neighborhood, these very mature individuals "egged" my book.
Well, a guy can take only so much. I promptly resigned from the debate on Opposing Views, which sort of means that EPPOCH won. I hope they're proud of themselves. I guess they feel that since they are Right, and since they are on a Holy Mission to save children from Monsters like me, the ends justify the means. I should point out that sociopaths share the same conviction.
Ironically, around the same time this drama was unfolding, I received an email from a woman in Canada who told of curing her 20-month-old daughter of not staying in bed after bedtime by¬-you guessed it-spanking. I dare not reveal more detail out of concern that a crazed crowd of Canadian EPPOCHs might march on her house some night brandishing pitchforks, torches ablaze, demanding that yet another monster be given up.
The problem began when this mother-monster moved her child from a crib to a bed. I have often said that the purpose of setting an early bedtime for a child is not so much to insure that the child gets sufficient sleep, but to insure that parents can retire from parenthood before they are too exhausted to participate in marriagehood. The daughter in question demanded that her parents be parents and nothing more. Put to bed, she would get out. Put back, she would get out again. And so it went, until everyone was exhausted.
Mom went to the bookstore, saw my 3-star book, and bought it. She read that whereas I am not a proponent of spanking, I feel there are circumstances in which they are justified. She also read that if spanking for a particular offense does not cure it within a week, one should stop. Contrary to the advice given by some pro-spankers, I advise spanking with the hand, one or two swats, to a bare bottom. I also prescribe a specific follow-through procedure (if interested, all of this is in my 3-star book.
That night, our mother from the North Country gave her daughter two one-swat, bare-bottom spankings for getting out of bed. The next night, same thing. The third night, one spanking. And that was that. After each spanking, Mom hugged and reaffirmed her love, but also made it perfectly clear that said peripatetic daughter needed to stay in bed when so put.
Since that third night, when it is time for bed, daughter takes Mom's hand, leads her to her room, crawls into bed, kisses goodnight, and stays there, happy as a clam.
Since I doubt any EPPOCHers subscribe to this newsletter, I feel safe, for the moment, from another egging.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions through his website at www.rosemond.com.
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John Rosemond Fall 2009 Weekend Parenting Retreats Scheduled for
Sacramento, Atlanta, and Connecticut!
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For parents interested in an intensive and highly individualized "re-parenting" experience, John offers weekend parenting retreats for no more than 20 parents (comprised of couples and single parents) in various locations around the USA. These retreats, held at comfortable and attractive meeting facilities, begin on Thursday evening with a group dinner/talk at a first-rate local restaurant. Friday and Saturday's sessions commence at 9:00 a.m. (preceded by coffee and continental service) and wrap at 4:30 p.m. on Friday and 3:30 p.m. on Saturday. In addition to presenting the workshop content, John provides plenty of time for questions and discussion of individual parenting issues.
In total, every participant or couple benefits from approximately 13.5 workshop
hours, during which John will present fundamental concepts for establishing functional
parenting leadership and disciplinary tools for solving a broad range of problem areas,
including classroom issues. Just a few of the topics John will cover include:
· Mastering "Alpha Parenting"
· Pay Less Attention, Be Less Involved, Be Happier, Grow Happier Kids
· Using Consequences Effectively
· Putting a Permanent End to Defiance, Sibling Rivalry, and Arguments
The Retreat Schedule for Fall 2009 is as follows:
Hartford, Connecticut - August 20-22
Atlanta, GA - September 17-19
Sacramento, CA - October 1-3
For more information, visit our website at www.rosemond.com.
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Q&A with Richard V. Daly III, LCSW
Micro-managing Teens
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 Question:
Our teenagers...to micro-manage or to not micro-manage? What actually is micro-managing?
Answer:
We receive many questions about dealing with teenagers and concerns related to the determination of what is teen micro-managing. What to try to control, what not to control and what is beyond our control? With all teenagers, what the level of our involvement should be is correctly open to interpretation. Interpretation based on widely diverse levels and varieties of behavior and diverse levels of developed trust within their individual histories. Just the same, the understanding of our core parenting role with them is clear, simple and important.
All teens have free will and respond to life's challenges many different ways, for many different reasons. This warrants a very broad focus and varying levels of intensity in our parental response. I can offer that, in my parenting coaching work, I have been using John's "Teen-proofing" with the parents since the book hit the shelves and find that ten years later, it still translates very well to cover all of today's common sense teen parenting issues and challenges. In most cases, a failure to have some impact on unacceptable teen behaviors comes mostly from a lack of consistent follow through which is a parenting worst enemy.
Yes! Life as we know it is changing and the quality of technology and our access to it (video, cell phones, computers etc...) has improved and will continue to improve. All teenager market focused media that so effectively targets them has, and unfortunately will most likely become, more corrupt and perverse with greed and profit as a motivating force. Just the same... limiting access to the inappropriate and the excessive is still every parent's job, but only to the degree we can realistically accomplish this.
For the most part, permitted access to the media and tech items is based on trust, appropriateness and allowed ownership privilege. Beyond the totally inappropriate, whether our children have their hands on these things/items and increased access to them should be based on their good behavior, maturity, judgment and the level of trust they earn from us. These diverse issues create very large parameters to work within based on your individual teen. This will always be a reality and thusly necessitate a parental judgment call in all cases. There is no specific magic formula that applies to all teens and to all siuationss. Once you understand the basics outlined perfectly in "Teen-proofing, you simply need to TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT and TAKE ACTION when it comes to holding your teen accountable for choices that demonstrate a lack of it!
Beyond this, the level of our mentoring influence, established over time, is the real key to influencing what we CANNOT control directly. What common sense limits, we can and should set, should be delivered while mentoring good values that we support with accountability and delivered with confident parenting leadership authority. The two important messages that parents need to give their children is their love and caring for them and a strong concern related to the values they embrace. In fact, the two cannot be separated. We should always communicate that we do not and will never care about gadget or media access parity with their friends. This feeds into the disease called materialistic entitlement syndrome that dwarf's even the pharmaceutical company funded fictitious ADHD diagnoses. Our job is the same no matter how external access/availability and perversity increases. Remember! You can only directly control and influence SOME of this but never ALL. For instance...trying to monitor who they choose to be their friends is simply and completely impossible and unnecessary as John says in "Teen-proofing". It is our predominantly our influence on the quality of the values they live by that is the best deterrent hands down! Beyond this, the other learning and maturation tool is the price that must always be paid for poor judgment. If this is not coming from you, it will come from other sources that you might not be too pleased with.
When we are at our best.... parenting efforts imitate life. Any parent who has not done this parenting job from an early age, faces an up hill road ahead...a difficult road for many parents, but not without possibilities. The formula outlined in "Teen-proofing" does not change but your parenting role dealing with a wide variety of negatives and lapses in judgment involves a much more intensive and difficult trial and error approach. You MUST allow freedoms, expect mistakes will happen and welcome them. These teen errors in judgment need to be seen by all parents as helpful opportunities. This is when and only when an increase in a monitoring parental involvement and the subsequent accountability and consequences kick in! The other option is handcuffing ourselves to them (you can take turns with your spouse) and monitoring their every move.
How much rope you give them is based on their behavior, your judgment (that you should trust) and your assessment of the quality of the values and good judgment exercised by your individual teen. Remember that learning takes place with increasing the opportunity to make mistakes that give us the opportunity for corrective intervention with a mentoring guidance and consequences. Simply stated....Good judgment earns trust and privilege and poor judgment does not. No parenting book can cover every detail with what should really be determined by our good parenting judgment, our personal family values and what level of a mentoring influence we have established.
The other factor to consider mentioned earlier in this writing that should not be overlooked is free will, which is also something only your children have control over of course. As it states in "Teen-proofing", you as parents can do everything right and your child can still make poor choices". This always holds true no matter how carefully and vigilantly you monitor and mistakenly try to micro-manage. Sometimes it has to be enough to know what you did was the right thing for them. The balance is up to your child. Even with your best micromanaging efforts from the moment of their first misstep, there is no guarantee that your children will stay on the straight and narrow when they are beyond the artificial influence of a misguided micromanaging control. All that is fostered is dependence and a lack of opportunity to learn and practice good judgment. No controlling parental micromanaging efforts have ever improved the judgment or self control of any child and these efforts, in fact, only guarantee their future failure.
So you are having difficulty with your teenager! My advice remains the same...Two copies of "Teen-proofing". One book for you and one for your spouse. Read a chapter or two per night and discuss for an hour. By the way... the answer is "No!". Unless you're a single parent, one book is a bad idea for a variety of reasons. Taking turns reading the book is always less effective and in fact will often undermine the process when one parent starts following what they have read before the other's understanding. I would bet that many of you know this all too well already. By learning the correct way to deal with your teen together, the road harmoniously functioning as one unit becomes an enjoyable bonding journey. Together, you will have the unique and exciting pleasure, as you begin to recognize the merits of your efforts, of experiencing dramatically successful outcomes with your teen children. This works, you'll change, they'll change and you can do it!
Best wishes and happiness.... ...Richard
Richard V. Daly III, LCSW is a member of John Rosemond's panel of experts who answer questions via the Members Only website available at www.rosemond.com. For more information on Richard and his practice, click here. |
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