Dear Subscriber,
Welcome to 3rd edition of Traditional Parent e-newsletter. We hope you enjoy this issue and please encourage your friends, family, co-workers, and church to subscribe to the e-newsletter by signing up at the www.rosemond.com homepage. Our eventual goal is to have enough subscribers to re-launch the Traditional Parent magazine that was extremely popular during it's tenure in the mid-1990's to 2006. So be on the lookout for more news about re-launching Traditional Parent magazine.
As you will see in this issue, we have invited a few John Rosemond readers to submit their own articles, stories, or parenting techniques. We encourage you to also submit your stories and articles for future issues. You can submit articles to feedback@rosemond.com.
Thanks for reading and continuing to support John's traditional parenting message!
All the best to you and your family,
John Rosemond and Staff
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On My Mind by John Rosemond
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 "New Approaches to Old Discipline Problems"
Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Since the beginning of this waning century, human beings have harnessed the atom, gone to the moon, built skyscrapers, and transplanted hearts. During that same 99-year period, however, we've made virtually no progress in the discipline of children. Come to think of it, most of our disciplinary methods have been around at least as long as the wheel. In the meantime, humans have come up with far better wheels, but our children behave no differently than they did "way back when." They still throw tantrums, disobey, break things they shouldn't have touched in the first place, and wipe their noses on their sleeves.
It's time we brought discipline out of the Stone Age and into the Twentieth Century! What we need are fresh approaches to age-old problems. The good news is there's already cause for celebration. Innovation in discipline has arrived, promising relief from some common parenting hassles.
It takes two to tango
Take sibling rivalry, for instance. If you have more than one child, a certain amount of bickering is inevitable, but when clashes between the kids become the rule rather than the exception, it's time to take action. Not the action of trying to determine "who started it" either, because nothing fuels this kind of family feud like a parent who decides the kids need a referee. The secret to keeping sibling rivalry to a minimum lies in making the two (or more) children involved equally and completely responsible for the problem. Here's how to do just that:
On a sheet of paper, draw a large rectangle and divide it into ten smaller boxes (two rows of five). Starting with the upper left box, number the boxes from 10 down to 1 (in the lower right box). Then, select five privileges the children enjoy and write the name of the privilege in each of boxes 5 through 1. For example, you might put Riding Bikes in box 5, Playing Outside in box 4, Having Friends Over in box 3, Watching Television in box 2, and Staying Up Until Your Regular Bedtime in box 1.
Show the chart to the children and say, "Your bickering and arguing is disturbing the peace of the family. This chart will help you learn to solve your differences quietly and without involving us. Every Monday morning, we will put it on the refrigerator where it will stay for the next week. Every time you let your bickering disturb one or both of us, we will mark off a number, beginning with 10. The first five numbers-10 through 6-are free, meaning there is no penalty for losing them. But the last five boxes have things you like to do written in them. When you lose one of these numbers, you also lose the privilege that goes with it for the rest of the week. For example, when you lose number 5, you both lose riding your bikes. When you lose number 4, neither of you can play outside, and so on. Every Monday, a new chart goes up, you have your privileges back and we start fresh."
Be sure to point out to the children that they are held equally responsible for bickering that violates your new "disturbing the peace" ordinance. Rather than trying to determine who started what, you penalize them both. Remember that you aren't forbidding arguing, just noisy arguing.
Once the chart is up, if they shatter your peace by yelling at one another or asking you to referee, simply say, "Because you can't seem to solve this problem without disturbing me, I'm marking off (the next number). Now, I suggest you find a quiet way to handle your differences before you lose another one."
Suddenly, the children have cause for cooperation, and within a couple of weeks, you should notice a distinct change for the better. In subsequent charts, the number of "freebies" can, and should, be reduced to an eventual minimum of two. Keep the chart in force for a few months, because it takes at least that long for behavior change to become permanent.
No ticket, no permit
The sticky problem of controlling a youngster in public places is one you can un-stick by using a simple method I call "Tickets."
Let's say your 4-year-old has a problem containing his excitement in stores. He darts away from you without warning and wants to handle everything he sees. In advance of your next perilous trek to a grocery store or shopping center, cut three ticket-sized rectangles out of poster-board and draw a "smiley face" on each. Just before entering the store, review the rules with your child. Tell him or her to (1) walk with you and stay with you at all times and (2) ask permission before touching something. Hand over the tickets and say, "These three tickets are going to help you remember the rules. Every time you break one of the rules, I'm going to take a ticket away from you. When we get home, you must have at least one ticket left in order to go outside. If you lose all three tickets in the store, then you will be in the house with no television for the rest of the day."
Having a discipline plan enables you to keep your balance, and your cool, when a problem occurs. In the past, when Curious George darted away from you in a store or put his fingers on expensive porcelain, you became instantly flustered. Now, however, you simply remind him of the rule and take a ticket. The keys to the success of such an approach are consistency (no warnings, threats, or second chances!) and a suitable incentive.
The incentive, or "carrot," can be anything the child is looking forward to doing later in the day, but again, it should be a privilege, not a reward. Contrary to what most people think, rewards are not effective motivators of good behavior. The best way to use rewards is to surprise, rather than bribe. For example, if your child is extra good in the store and loses no tickets, you can (but are not obligated to) honor the achievement with a surprise ice-cream cone.
"Tickets" is a versatile system that can be used to address a fairly broad range of misbehaviors. Take sassiness, for one example. Your 6-year-old has a bad habit of talking back to you and calling you various creative names when you don't do as she commands. Using a magnetic clip, secure three to five (the actual number isn't that important) tickets to the refrigerator at the start of every day. Tell Her Impudence that every time she sasses you, she will lose a ticket. If and when she loses all three tickets on any given day, she will have to spend the rest of the day in her room and go to bed early. When you are finished with your explanation, she will undoubtedly sass you, giving you an excellent opportunity to demonstrate how the system actually works. Disobedience, teasing the family dog, whining, you name it, "Tickets" can handle it. The number of tickets allotted per day or situation is a judgement call, but the child should be able to "beat the system" fairly easily at first. Then, you can begin "raising the bar" by gradually lowering the number of tickets (misbehaviors) allowed per trip to the store, per day, or per whatever until the problem is eliminated altogether.
From a tortoise to a hare
Nothing starts the day on a worse note than having to struggle with a child who drags her feet about getting ready for school. She's gifted in every area but putting on her own clothes, combing her own hair, and brushing her own teeth, which, if it doesn't make you late for work, makes you crazy before you get there.
For about $10.00, you can solve this in a week. Well, okay, maybe two. If you don't already own one, purchase a timer (Your mother probably called it an egg timer). Then, draw up a list of the things Her Tardiness must do to get ready for school: i.e., wash face, brush teeth, comb hair, get dressed, make bed, straighten room. After duplicating the list, post one copy on the refrigerator and the other in a conspicuous place in your child's room. Finally, designate some area of the home as the "inspection place"-the kitchen, perhaps.
At a specified time every morning-at least 45 minutes before she needs to leave for school-go to your child's room and give her a "wake up call." When you're sure she's awake, go to the inspection place and set the timer for 30 minutes. (The above times are arbitrary, but the timer should be set to ring no less than 15 minutes before the child needs to leave the house.) Using this example, your child has 30 minutes to complete everything on her list and present herself in the inspection place. If she fails to show up on time and pass inspection, she loses the privilege she values most after school, whether it's playing outside, having a friend over, or watching television. Or, she simply goes to bed an hour early that evening. Mind you, if she "beats the bell" (shows up on time and passes inspection), do not-repeat, DO NOT-give her a reward of any sort, not even a "point" toward something special. A low-key acknowledgement-as in, "I appreciate your cooperation this morning"-is sufficient. This same approach transformed our daughter Amy, when she was 7 or 8, from the Princess of Tardiness to Miss Punctuality in less than two weeks.
These are but three of many creative, practical ways you can make discipline easier for both yourself and your child. One final word: Discipline amounts to helping children develop good habits. The only parents who can properly discipline, however, are those who first develop a good habit of their own. It's known as consistency, without which discipline is nothing more than wishful thinking.
*This article is a reprint from Hemispheres Magazine.
Announcement: John's newest book, The Well Behaved Child: Discipline that REALLY Works!, will be available for pre-order on our website in August! The national release is scheduled for September/October 2009.
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Letter from a Reader
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ June 1, 2009
Mommy Guilt
by Lynn Gaffney
A quick Google search for the phrase "mommy guilt" brings up over 30,000 hits. This affliction seems to be almost universal among American mothers. As a mother of three, I struggled with mommy guilt and I can tell you the phenomenon is real and can feel almost unbearable. The guilt I felt my first years of motherhood was present no matter what I was doing.
I wondered if my guilt was connected to working outside the home but I noticed I still felt guilty even when I was lovingly attending to my children's needs.
I questioned whether my guilt was unwarranted since guilt is supposed to be accompanied by wrongdoing. What was I doing wrong? I was filled with self-doubt and disappointed that I wasn't experiencing the fulfillment I expected motherhood to bring. My friends, who were mothers, admitted to suffering from the same emotional state. I started wondering why so many women were feeling guilt over their mothering.
The answer to this question came when I heard John Rosemond speak. He identified "psychological boogeymen" as the cause of guilt in modern day women. Modern women often define themselves solely by their function as mothers and therefore expect to be completely fulfilled by this role. Magazines on parenting abound detailing long laundry lists of things to do for your child to create the perfect childhood. In addition, women sometimes measure themselves unfavorably against their peers. These thought patterns and subsequent behaviors are a definitive movement away from traditional parenting practices which were marked by practicality. I recently asked my husband's ninety-nine year old grandmother who worked outside the home while raising children if she felt guilty. She told me that working was necessary to help provide for her family and that it never occurred to her to feel guilty.
I came to the realization that I did not have to understand all the psychological and societal reasons for "mommy guilt" to simply change my thought patterns and replace guilt with a healthy and traditional perspective on parenting. I have compiled a list of suggestions that helped banish my own guilt bugaboos and may be helpful to others.
Suggestions:
· Remember that you are not orchestrators of the universe. Micromanaging every aspect and experience of your child's day is not only unnecessary, it is counter productive for your child and you.
· Do not expect motherhood to complete you. You are a whole person of which "mother" is just one part. Enjoy hobbies, interests, friends, and your husband!
· Keep the end in sight. You are raising a person of character. This may require your child to feel bad at times as they reflect upon their actions. You are not the one who should feel guilty!
· When spending time with your child- be present; otherwise do not feel guilty as you attend to household tasks or (gasp) personal hobbies or distractions.
· Set boundaries. I am amazed at the number of mothers who complain that they can't even use the bathroom without children intruding. Teach children there are times (and places!) when you are not available to them.
· Realize that even "good" kids do bad things. Providing the framework for them to learn from these behaviors is the act of a loving parent. It is their lesson to learn, not yours to prevent.
· Limit your children's activities outside the home. Children's sports and other activities should not dominate home life. The frenetic pace that accompanies over scheduled children causes stress for them and you. Dispel the myth of "quality time." Quality moments happen when families spend time together without rushing from place to place.
· Read to your children and severely limit television and other electronic devices such as video games. Children naturally learn to entertain themselves in the absence of artificial stimulation (then they do not expect you to do it).
· Feel guilty when it is appropriate. You should feel bad when you lose your temper and yell. Reflect, resolve to do better, and move on.
Being a mother has both fulfilling and disappointing aspects. I discovered it was impossible to feel both guilt and joy at the same time. I chose to let go of the guilt and embrace the joy. You can too.
Lynn Gaffney is a traditional person and parent. She is married and has three children ages eight, seven, and five.
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John Rosemond Fall 2009 Weekend Parenting Retreats Scheduled for
Sacramento, Atlanta, Gastonia, NC and Connecticut!
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For parents interested in an intensive and highly individualized "re-parenting" experience, John offers weekend parenting retreats for no more than 20 parents (comprised of couples and single parents) in various locations around the USA. These retreats, held at comfortable and attractive meeting facilities, begin on Thursday evening with a group dinner/talk at a first-rate local restaurant. Friday and Saturday's sessions commence at 9:00 a.m. (preceded by coffee and continental service) and wrap at 4:30 p.m. on Friday and 3:30 p.m. on Saturday. In addition to presenting the workshop content, John provides plenty of time for questions and discussion of individual parenting issues.
In total, every participant or couple benefits from approximately 13.5 workshop
hours, during which John will present fundamental concepts for establishing functional
parenting leadership and disciplinary tools for solving a broad range of problem areas,
including classroom issues. Just a few of the topics John will cover include:
· Mastering "Alpha Parenting"
· Pay Less Attention, Be Less Involved, Be Happier, Grow Happier Kids
· Using Consequences Effectively
· Putting a Permanent End to Defiance, Sibling Rivalry, and Arguments
The Retreat Schedule for Fall 2009 is as follows:
Connecticut - August 20-22
Gastonia, NC - August 27-29
Atlanta, GA - September 17-19
Sacramento, CA - October 1-3
For more information, visit our website at www.rosemond.com.
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Q&A with Richard V. Daly III, LCSW
The "Garden" technique with friends coming to visit
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 Question: I am ready to kick my 7 year old daughter out of the garden for being disrespectful, not doing what we ask, and complaining and throwing tantrums. She's spoiled and we are ready to make the change. Here's my problem: we have family coming to stay with us in two weeks. Her cousin will be here, and we have fun stuff planned, such as the beach, amusement park, etc. Do I hold off on kicking her out of the garden until after they leave? I am considering trying the ticket method first, see if she improves, and if not, kick her out after our relatives leave. What say you?Answer: A delay of consequence should always be reserved for your convenience and for positive impact. Starting the tickets immediately may make for a more pleasant visit for all. Make sure that the consequences with the third ticket removes him from family activities (he can sit on the sidelines and watch which has a very positive impact by the way). It is a perfect opportunity for helping him to change his unacceptable behaviors. remember...NO Yada, Yada, Yada, outline the facts about the "tickets" and then let the shoe fall...Best wishes and happiness...Richard For more information on the "ticket method", see John's "On My mind" article above. Richard V. Daly III, LCSW is a member of John Rosemond's panel of experts who answer questions via the Members Only website available at www.rosemond.com. For more information on Richard and his practice, click here.
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