Dear Subscriber,
Welcome to 2nd edition of Traditional Parent e-newsletter. We hope you enjoy this issue and please encourage your friends, family, co-workers, and church to subscribe to the e-newsletter by signing up at the www.rosemond.com homepage. Our eventual goal is to have enough subscribers to re-launch the Traditional Parent magazine that was extremely popular during it's tenure in the mid-1990's to 2006. So be on the lookout for more news about re-launching Traditional Parent magazine.
As you will see in this issue, we have invited a few John Rosemond readers to submit their own articles, stories, or parenting techniques. We encourage you to also submit your stories and articles for future issues. You can submit articles to feedback@rosemond.com.
Thanks for reading and continuing to support John's traditional parenting message!
All the best to you and your family,
John Rosemond and Staff
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Rosemond Bookstore:
NEW! Assuming the Power of Parenthood 3 part DVD Series
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JUST RELEASED!
ASSUMING THE POWER OF PARENTHOOD - 3 PART DVD SERIES
Are you looking for a DVD Series on Parenting for yourself, church, organization or parenting group? Then this is the DVD series for you!
John conducted a 3 week parenting seminar series at Forest Hills Church in Charlotte, NC last fall and it was filmed in High Definition for PBS Atlanta. Since the series got such great feedback from the attendees and PBS viewers, we decided to release it on our website for sale. There are no other parenting DVD series like it and it is not available on Amazon, Borders, Barnes & Nobles or ebay!
The series is broken into 3 segments:
1.) The Fundamentals of Effective Parenting
2.) The Three Seasons of Parenting
3.) Leadership Parenting
If you've ever seen John speak before a live audience and want to share his message with your family, spouse, co-workers, pastor or church group, then this is the product for you! John's highly entertaining and provocative speaking style comes through in these presentations and it covers a wide range of age groups and real life parenting scenarios. Each presentation is a little over 60 minutes long and would be perfect for Mom's groups, Sunday school classes or for your own personal home use.
If you would like more information about this series, please contact Katharine Sanford at 770-432-0776.
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On My Mind by John Rosemond
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 Failure to Launch Syndrome
Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the pre-modern world, the more things changed, the more they remained the same. In the postmodern world, the world in which we live, the more things change, the more things change, and the more things keep right on changing.
I thought I'd heard it all, but I don't guess I'll ever hear the all of it-not in my lifetime. I'm beginning to doubt if there ever will be an end to it. The "it" I'm obliquely referring to is the "it" of the total stupidity-I'm not pulling any punches here, as you can tell-of postmodern parenting. It's become obvious to me that stupid breeds stupider, which only goes on to breed stupider still.
In the early 1980s, I began to hear tales of parents who would storm principals' offices complaining that teachers were assigning unfair grades to their little darlings or accusing their little darlings-again, unfairly-of misbehaving. Didn't these teachers know their little darlings were incapable of misbehavior and that everything they did was immaculate? Back then, these parents were few and far between. Turned out most of them were doing their children's homework. They called it "helping," of course, but enabling by any other name is still enabling. They became so involved in their kids' homework that their kids' grades became their grades. They began taking their kids' grades personally; therefore, when their little darlings' grades were not pleasing to their egos, they became defensive.
In no time at all, what had been relatively rare became ubiquitous. "Helping" one's child with his homework even became prerequisite to being considered a responsible, caring, involved parent. By the way, I hate that word...involved, that is. Today's parents believe they should be involved. They've been told it's good, right, and meet to be involved with their kids, and the more involved, the better. I think that's a strange notion. When I was a child, I understood it was my job to keep my parents from getting involved. I was to accept my responsibilities such that they did not have to get involved. I was to do my homework without being supervised or even told. I was to do my chores without being supervised or even told. I was to chose the right friends, stay out of trouble in the neighborhood and at school, and take care of my personal hygiene without being supervised or told. My parents only got involved if I didn't properly accept and execute a certain responsibility, and it should go without saying that if they felt the need to get involved, I was in trouble.
Parents who feel compelled to get involved before there is trouble end up micromanaging, and micromanagers suffer from leadership deficiency. Unwittingly, in the course of trying to anticipate problems and prevent their occurrence, they prevent their children from learning how to deal with problems. And so, in the long run, micromanaging parents create more problems than they solve. But because they are universally near-sighted, micromanagers are incapable of seeing the long-range consequences of their micromanaging.
In the workplace, a micromanager brings out the worst in the people on his team. They begin behaving as if they are incompetent and irresponsible. This confirms the micromanager's belief that he's doing the right thing, so he does more of it, only it's the wrong thing. In the home, micromanaging parents bring out the worst in their children. These kids, in turn, begin behaving incompetently and irresponsibly, all of which confirms in the micromanaging parents' mind that he's doing the right thing, so he does more of it, only it's the wrong thing.
The micromanaging parent says things like "If I didn't sit with my child while he does his homework, he wouldn't do it." He doesn't realize that his child's apparent lack of motivation is a product of his management style. There's nothing wrong with his child that less involvement on his part wouldn't cure.
But I digress. In the mid-1990s, I began running into college professors who related tales of parents calling them to complain about assignments and grades. One professor-he teaches at a prestigious Northeastern university-told me about two parents who flew all the way from California to confront him over a grade he'd assigned their child. When he refused to bend, they took their complaint to the university's president. When he supported the professor, they threatened a lawsuit. I figure if I've heard one such story, there must be hundreds of such stories...maybe thousands. Actually, it's been at least ten years since I heard that story, and thousands of such stories now abound. It only makes sense. These are the same parents, after all, who believed that good parents sit with their kids while they do their homework, making sure they do it right...the same parents who believe that their kids are right, even when everyone else thinks their kids are wrong.
It doesn't take a fortune teller to predict that when these kids get out of college, these parents are going to follow them into the workplace. And as it turns out, they already have. In the 1980s, in a newspaper column, I coined the term "helicopter parents" to describe these hovering micromanagers. It entered the vernacular and most recently showed up in an article in The Wall Street Journal: "Helicopter Parents Go to Work: Moms And Dads Are Now Hovering at the Office."
A sample: "From Vanguard Group and St. Paul Travelers to General Electric and Boeing, managers are getting calls from parents asking them to hire their 20-something kids. Candidates are stalling on job offers to consult with their parents. Parents are calling hiring managers to protest pay packages and try to renegotiate, employers say."
Not surprisingly, these parents are raising kids who are having great difficulty leaving home. There's even a name for it: Failure to Launch Syndrome. Eleven percent of kids (make no mistake about it, these people are still children) ages 25 to 34 still live with their parents. Make that "...can still be found freeloading off their parents." In 1980, that same figure stood at 8.7 percent. That's a 21 percent increase in twenty-six years. It doesn't take a genius to tell where this is going. The economy is far better than it was in 1980, when home loan interest rates were around 20 percent, at the end of the Carter debacle. The economy, therefore, can't be faulted for FLS. I doubt 11 percent of people 25 to 34 lived with their parents during the Great Depression. No, the fault lies with parents who can't let go, who've never let go, who don't know how to let go; parents who raise kids who are afraid of being let go of.
This is pitiful, especially when seen from the perspective of someone-me-who was married at age 20 and a father at age 21; someone whose wife was 19 when she became a mother. When we were in our twenties, Willie and I knew no one of sound mind and body who went back to live-long term-with his or her parents after completing college, serving in the military, or after turning 21. And then there's the matter of so-called "Boomerang Kids." The way I figure it, these are kids who because their parents gave and gave and gave some more, simply can't deal with deprivation or delay of gratification and can't come to grips with the fact that money doesn't grow on trees.
The problem, of course, is not the kids. It's their stupid, yet in most cases highly intelligent, parents. Where does this end? Choosing a spouse for one's child? Having seen postmodern parenting go from strange to just downright stupid in slightly more than twenty years, I'm absolutely certain that more high-IQ stupidity is yet to come.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
*This article is a reprint from John's Traditional Parent magazine.
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Letter from a Reader
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ March 31, 2009
Parenting: Pay Now or Pay Later
Throughout my adult life, I have embraced a "pay now or pay later" philosophy that has served me well in matters of education, finance, and even relationships. I believe it was this philosophy that drew me to John Rosemond as a source of parenting counsel when my first child was born over eight years ago. Most fortunately, my local paper carried his column which often ran contrary to almost all other parenting advice I had ever read, seen, or heard. His common sense traditional approach had so much appeal that I invested in several of his books and went to hear him speak twice in one year. I canceled my subscription to Parenting and never looked back.
Soon after our son was born in 2000, my husband and I faced our first parenting challenge. Some friends and family members encouraged us to buy a king size bed and make room for the kids. The "Attachment Parenting" philosophy is extremely popular among our tired generation and encourages co-sleeping with children.1 Although a good night's sleep was our goal, this method just wasn't congruent with our vision for our family. The people we knew who used this approach appeared exhausted and stressed. To compound the problem, these parents never had any time without their children as they went to bed nightly with their children.
We chose to "pay now" and when my son was a few months old, we taught him to sleep well through the night in his own crib in his own room. We also put him to bed early, often by 6:00. My husband and I had to endure some crying which tested my strength as a mother, but we knew the outcome was important.
The benefits for everyone in our family have been pronounced and lasting. Our children are great sleepers with long attention spans and happy dispositions. My husband and I are able to shift our roles as caregivers to spouses. This arrangement also provides uninterrupted time for us to explore hobbies, connect with friends, or just relax.
My observation is that many members of my generation have difficulty choosing options that delay gratification and may, in the short run, cause any stress or hardship on themselves or their children. This faulty approach does not lack for advocates or followers as evidenced by the number of sleep-deprived children.
When we began with the end in mind- a well rested family- we discovered that parenting is not all that much trouble if you are willing to put in a little effort up front. We have utilized the "pay now or pay later" philosophy many times when making parenting choices and it has yet to fail us. Stay tuned for more examples.
Lynn Gaffney is a traditional person and parent. She is married and has three children ages eight, six, and five.
References:
1. Sears, William. "Sleep Problems" Ask DrSears.com. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp
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John's May 2009 Speaking Calendar
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May 12, 2009
Richmond, VA
Third Presbyterian
For more information and to purchase tickets, go to: www.thirdpres.org or call the church at (804) 282-4645.
May 14, 2009
Williamsburg, VA
Providence Classical School
Events tickets on sale at www.PCSvirginia.org
May 15, 2009
Newport News, VA
Summit Christian Academy
Call (757) 867-7005 for more info.
May 17, 2009
Yorktown, VA
Yorkminster Presbyterian
757/898-4YPC (-4972)
http://www.yorkminsterpc.org/
May 21, 2009
Charlotte, NC
Carolina Medical Center
"Bringing Out the Best in Your Child" - 6:30-7:30 pm
Location: Queens University - Sykes Auditorium
1900 Selwyn Ave
Charlotte, NC 28207
For more information, contact Amber Summerville at 704-355-3826 or www.carolinasmedicalcenter.org/active.
To make phone reservations, call 877-667-2525.
May 23 and 24, 2009
Raleigh, NC
Hope Community Church
Saturday PM Services
Sunday AM Services
Sunday Afternoon Workship - 2 part series
Go to http://www.gethope.net/ for more information.
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Q&A with Richard V. Daly III, LCSW
Depriving teens with no texting?..(can cause sudden death!)
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 Question: Are we depriving our teens with not allowing cell phone texting? Our 17 year old daughter totally abuses her cell phone text plan so we shut if off all together. She is asking for it back but we have refused. She only wants it to be in more contact with her boyfriend. How do you deal with those emotions in parenting? We think texting is ridiculous and want to raise kids that know how to use their mouths to actually talk.
Answer: What did teenagers do before the ability to text was
introduced to the planet? To date... not a single teenager on the
planet has dropped dead spontaneously with the loss of texting? If one
does..please let us know immediately! Trust is something you earn
and with it comes privilege. NEVER protect your children from what
seems to be the "unfair" situations of life since they will be ill
prepared to deal with the abundance of "unfair" that exists in the
world that they certainly will be facing. Trust earns and abuse does
not! It is just that simple. Parenting emotions are dealt with via the
knowledge and conviction that you are doing what is best for your
child. Personally..this parenting sacrifice (related to emotions) makes
me smile! You have a choice...protect your own feelings or do what is
right for your child future life???...With the correct
perspective...this becomes a cake walk! Best wishes and happiness...Richard...(RVD) Richard V. Daly III, LCSW is a member of John Rosemond's panel of experts who answer questions via the Members Only website available at www.rosemond.com. For more information on Richard and his practice, click here.
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Quick Links...
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If you are interested in purchasing any of the Parenting by the Book
study programs, please call 770-432-0776 to place your order over the
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