Dear Subscriber,
Welcome to the "official" 1st edition of Traditional Parent e-newsletter. We hope you enjoy this issue and please encourage your friends, family, co-workers, and church to subscribe to the e-newsletter by signing up at the www.rosemond.com homepage. Our eventual goal is to have enough subscribers to re-launch the Traditional Parent magazine that was extremely popular during it's tenure in the mid-1990's to 2006. So be on the lookout for more news about re-launching Traditional Parent magazine.
As you will see in this issue, we have invited a few John Rosemond readers to submit their own articles, stories, or parenting techniques. We encourage you to also submit your stories and articles for future issues. You can submit articles to feedback@rosemond.com.
Thanks for reading and continuing to support John's traditional parenting message!
All the best to you and your family,
John Rosemond and Staff
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On My Mind by John Rosemond
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 The Trophy Child
Copyright 2009, John K. Rosemond*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One
hundred years ago in largely rural America, every capable child had a
definite and distinct role within his or her family. That role was
defined by a daily routine of inside and outside chores. This work
guaranteed that within the family, the child was not merely a consumer
of goods and services; rather, he was engaged in the general effort to
improve the family's overall well-being. There was perfect symmetry to
this arrangement. The child's chores were of value to his or her
family, defined for him/her a distinct role within the family, and
attested to his/her values. I am further convinced that this work
bonded the child to his/her family's values, thus insuring their
perpetuation. This was good for children, good for families, good for
communities, and good for America.
This tradition persisted until
fairly recently, even in urban and suburban families. Using myself as a
typical example, although I spent my childhood (1947-1965) living
initially in a city, then the suburbs, I always, until I graduated high
school, had chores which had to be done before anything else (even
homework!). These chores, even when I was very young, were not petty.
Before I was four, my mother had taught me to wash floors, a skill she
utilized upon the occasion of every weekly housecleaning. Before I was
five, she had taught me to wash my own clothes in her washing machine -
a galvanized tub that sat on the side porch. In the course of growing
up, I mowed the lawn, tilled the garden, cleaned the gutters, painted
the house, washed my parents' cars, vacuumed the house, washed walls
and floors, cleaned toilets, and so on. This was just the way it was,
and given that every child in every neighborhood I ever lived in had
chores, I hardly felt put upon.
This is a thing of the past today.
Today's kids, by and large, don't have chores. They have computers and
video game consoles and televisions and expensive stereo systems and
cell phones and expensive clothes and the latest everything their
friends have (lest they suffer insult to their self-esteems), but in
the old fashioned sense (but not in the modern sense, as we shall soon
see), the all-too-typical modern child is useless. He's strictly a
consumer of goods and services provided by his parents. He gives back
nothing of substance. In many cases, he won't even converse. He grunts
and says erudite things like "whatever." Otherwise, he is simply
present, there. His value system, therefore, is easy to define: He
believes in getting what he wants and being left alone to do what he
wants.
Make no mistake about it, however: Although he is on an
18-year (maybe longer!) customized welfare program, today's child plays
an important role in his parents' lives, a role that involves an
equally important contribution. In this case, however, the contribution
is to his parents' egos (as opposed to the general welfare of the
family unit). His job, you see, is to validate that they are wonderful
parents. He can accomplish this through achievement in school and/or
after-school activities - e.g., by winning the piano recital, taking
first place in the junior tennis tournament, making good grades,
getting into the gifted and talented program, getting a scholarship to
the right college, and so on. Achievements of this sort qualify him as
what I call a "Trophy Child," a child his parents can boast endlessly
about to family, friends, and, well, just about anyone they happen to
meet. In fact, the parents do much, if not most, of the work necessary
to qualify him as a Trophy. They search out various extra-curricular
activities they hope will bring out his latent talents, drive him from
one activity to another, hire personal coaches, help him with his
homework, drill him for upcoming tests, pay for private tutors,
petition for his acceptance into the gifted program, and stand ever
ready to do battle with any teacher, administrator, coach, or referee
who fails to recognize and acknowledge his perfect potential.
I
sometimes reflect on how absolutely fortunate I am that I was not a
Trophy Child. Oh, I made good grades and earned my share of
extracurricular awards, but these things did not puff up my parents. I
was expected to always do my best - for me, not for them. I honored my
parents by being well behaved and always doing my best, not by being
the best. I had a lot of responsibility, but a lot of freedom too, and
outside of my chores and my schoolwork, life was pretty carefree. I
played Little League one season - pitched a no-hitter in fact, and led
the team to the district championship. My parents never came to a game.
Neither did anyone else's parents. Oh, happy days!
Today's Trophy Child doesn't even know what he/she is missing: an authentic childhood.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his web site at www.rosemond.com.
*This article is a reprint from John's Traditional Parent magazine.
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Letter from a Reader
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ March 26, 2009
Dear Mr. Rosemond:
Recently we read your column in the FL Times-Union entitled "Parents, it will pay off to be 'mean'". My husband and I have been faithful readers of your column for many years and have had to restrain ourselves on almost a weekly basis from clipping your column and tacking it to various doors in our neighborhood. We wanted to share one of the most memorable times we invoked the "Agony Principle" with one of our five children. As it turned out, this was not for a small child, but rather a son who was a freshman in college and living at home. Jeff was exceptionally intelligent. He entered his first year of college and signed up for some challenging science courses along with some core classes. As the semesters progressed, Jeff would get in trouble academically with a couple courses and end up dropping them.. (Extra partying, sleeping in, surfing and girls isn't the best way to attend lectures and complete assignments). When this would happen, it was always too late to get any money back for the courses. At the end of the first year, my husband (who is Jeff's stepfather) and I decided to change the rules of the game. We instituted a new "Palombi Scholarship Program" which went as follows: for the rest of Jeff's three remaining years of college, he had to pay his tuition and books up front himself. At the end of each semester, we would reimburse him for his tuition and books for every class in which he earned a C or above. The "Agony Principle" was invoked and here's the results: The first summer Jeff got two jobs. He put up a chart in his room which said he needed X number of dollars by June 30, X number of dollars by July 31, and X number of dollars by August 31. He saved all summer and had the money he needed for the next two semesters. Jeff was on the Dean's List from his sophomore year until graduation. He graduated Magna Cum Laude and went on to earn a Master's Degree which he paid for himself through a Teaching Assistant. He then went on to earn a Law Degree which he paid for with student loans which he will be paying back for the next 10 years. He doesn't hate us and made a comment recently which was "I am a much better person for being raised by my Mom and stepfather than I would have been being raised by my natural father."
Most of the people we share this story with do think we were quite "mean" to our son; however, we do have one friend who was in a similar situation with his son. He instituted the "Palombi Scholarship Program" and has had excellent results. As you might have guessed, we have other stories involving the "Agony Principle", but this is the best one.
Thank you for your columns and dedication to helping parents be better parents.
John and Pat Palombi
Jacksonville, FL
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John's April 2009 Speaking Calendar
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April 2, 2009
West Lawn, PA
Sponsor: Wilson Communities that Care
http://www.wilsonctc.org/
April 4, 2009
Early Childhood Conference
University of Wisconsin - Platteville, WI
Contact wedigek@uwplatt.edu for more information.
April 19, 2009
Brentwood, TN
Brentwood HIlls Church of Christ
Registration available at www.brentwoodhills.org.
615-832-2541
April 21, 2009
Fayetteville, NC
Partnership for Children of Cumberland County
Contact 910-826-3050 for more info.
April 23-25, 2009
Sacramento, CA
Parent Retreat
For more information, go to the www.rosemond.com homepage.
April 29, 2009
Lexington, SC
Saxe Gotha Presbyterian Church
For ticket info, call 803.359.7770.
April 30 - May 2, 2009
Columbia, SC
Parent Retreat
For more information, go to the www.rosemond.com homepage.
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Q&A with Richard V. Daly III, LCSW
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 Question:
I am in a committed relationship with a man who has two girls. Their ages are 15 and 10. My boyfriend and his ex-wife have shared custody of the girls. My problem is ...
The 10 year old appears to have difficulty dealing with feelings of frustration, disappointment, and anger, more specifically when she is told "no" to something that she wants. Instead of being able to discuss with me the "troubling" matter at hand, she will immediately "blow up" and start crying, and act defensive and adversarial with me.
I would like to learn what to say or do when the 10 year old is about to have or is having a tantrum. Would you be so kind as to suggest a few things that I can do or that I can suggest to the 10 year old that will help her deal with life's issues that cause her frustration and anxiety. Right now, she locks herself in her bedroom and has recently started moving furniture against her bedroom door (barricading herself) and turning up the TV in his room so that I cannot talk to her.
Can you help?
Thanks, Frustrated Stepmom
Answer:There is only one way for a child to learn to control her feelings of frustration, disappointment, and anger and that is from practice supported by parental expectations and consequences. It is not and never is something that you talk a child out of. The first thing you have to stop doing is trying to fix things for her since it will enable and perpetuate the problem. Stop trying to analyze "the problem" since the first thing you need to deal with is her inappropriate behaviors. Being concerned and kind with her comes after she regains control of herself and behaves respectfully and appropriately. Her father is going to have to take the lead with his discipline and always when it comes to delivering agreed upon consequences with you at his side and this should be planned by the two of you. He should make it clear to this young lady that this type of disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated and a serious loss of privileges will follow every time she chooses to lose control of herself. Her father should be unequivocal to the effect that he and you are one parenting unit and 100% behind each other. Anything less and this will not work. Starting her on the three "ticket" system would be good for this child right now. You can read about the ticket system by searching the Q & A archives. Best wishes and happiness...Richard...(RVD) Richard V. Daly III, LCSW is a member of John Rosemond's panel of experts who answer questions via the Members Only website available at www.rosemond.com. For more information on Richard and his practice, click here.
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