Misusing Gerunds           

     Hi all.  It is I, Sister Mary Pat writing to you from the super-precise order of Our Lady of Perpetual Correctness.  Sorry I had to skip our November communiqué.  I dare say there were some who were downright grumpy about it; others, not so much.  Well, the truth is that time simply got away from me.  As Chief Grammarian for Writers Resource Group, me greasing the gears of commerce is also part of my job description-- 

     There I did it.  What's wrong with me greasing the gears of commerce?  Nothing, if you don't mind your audience holding its nose at your abuse of a defenseless gerund.  You see, greasing is a gerund--the verb, grease, that someone tacked ing onto its caboose.  Gerunds can be downright unwieldy critters in the hands of some ham-fisted writer without the benefit of counsel from yours truly, Sister Mary Pat, Chief Grammarian for Writers Resource Group, Inc. 

     Gerunds begin life as a noun until someone tries converting them into a verb.  In my example, grease was a noun.  Then I added ing in the vain hope of transforming it into a verb.  Book titles are famous for using gerunds:  Steven King's, The Shining; John Saul's The Homing; Graham Masterton's TheBurning; Campbell Black's The Wanting. 

    The correct usage for my considerable commercial skills in this case would be, Greasing the gears of commerce is part of my job description.  It's simple, straightforward.  Another option would be:  My greasing the gears of commerce is part of the job.    

    The funny thing about misusing gerunds is that they often sound correct when read aloud.  Father Flannigan looked as if afraid of me tearing the sacramental wafers from his hands.  Let us dissect:  Flannigan isn't afraid of me.  Of course not.  I'm just Sister Mary Pat, of Our Lady of Perpetual Correctness and Chief Grammarian for Writers Resource Group, Inc.  No, Flannigan is afraid of tearing the sacramental wafers from his hands.  So, whose tearing is he afraid of?  My tearing.  There's our answer:  Father Flannigan looked as if afraid of my tearing the sacramental wafers from his hands.  Just substitute my for me and your job is done. 

    Another example:  Sister Marie Baptiste thinks me driving to Christmas midnight mass is a good idea.  Wrong (on several levels).  The correct construction is:  Sister Marie Baptiste thinks driving to Christmas midnight mass is a good idea.  See the less confusing, easy style?  This makes the identity of Sister Marie's chauffer irrelevant, but still conveys the meaning. 

    I can see all these gerunds have caused me to over stay my welcome.  I'm off to Our Lady of Perpetual Correctness to see if I can tear what wafers yet remain out of Flannigan's hot little hands.