Simple questions for tackling any problem
I suppose that it's a credit to how far we've moved in our society that people expect everything to be perfect, and feel that if there are any problems that they should be rapidly sorted, blame ascribed and losses compensated for. The assumption is that whenever something bad happens, someone must have been responsible for it, and someone else is responsible for putting it right.
Sometimes these assumptions are correct. The high court ruling a few months ago that Corby council was responsible for deformities in children who were born following the closing of a local steel works is a good example of this. Proper precautions were not taken and as a result noxious substances were released into the atmosphere, ingested or inspired by unsuspecting pregnant women, and their children were born with deformities of the hands and feet. As a result of the ruling they and their families are likely to receive significant amounts of compensation.
The advantage with looking outside yourself for the blame and solution to a problem is that it feels a great deal better than blaming yourself. The disadvantage is that the real solution to your problems generally lies with yourself and if you are always looking on the outside then it will take you much longer to find them.
Even in the Corby case, winning the court ruling does not solve the problem does it? It will help parents to fund specialist help for their children and it will give them a sense of justice, but at the end of the day the children still have deformities of their hands and feet, and ultimately the solution to the problem 'how do I live a full and happy life?' will have to come from them.
Try this:
Take an issue that you are struggling with at the moment. It may be a straightforward problem that has recently presented itself to you, or it may be something more complex that has been around for some time. You really see the power of these questions when you use them to tackle a problem that you have been 'stuck' with for some time, but they will help with any problem.
1. What is the problem? Spend five to ten minutes writing down everything you need to say about the problem. Don't plan or organise the answer to this question, just 'blurt' onto the page.
2. In a nutshell, what is the problem for you, specifically? Problems can be multi-stranded and complex but there is usually something quite specific which is troubling us, and that something has not always made it into our conscious brain. The reason it isn't clear is usually because often we're focussing on the problem outside of us instead of the problem inside. For example, the problem might be, 'my partner spends too much time out with his/her friends.' You could spend many a page of 'blurting' about what he or she does exactly, lots of specific stories, and how it really p***** you off, but it would not necessarily show you what the main problem is for you, which is that when they are out they are emotionally unavailable to you and it makes you feel lonely and anxious about the future.
3. What is at the root of the problem? This is another question aimed at getting deeper into the problem, and by doing so, closer to the solution. Often, in problems with other people, be they at home or at work, we depend on what we believe should be happening in a relationship to be an arbiter for whether it is healthy or not. So in this particular instance, we may have ideas about how much time partners should spend with each other and we use that as a standard against which to measure the state our relationship. In reality some relationships work by spending every waking hour together, while others work very well by living separately and seeing each other on Friday nights. The important question is not what should this relationship be like, but what is the problem with it for you? So take your problem, whatever it is, and ask yourself, what lies deep at the heart of this problem? What expectations are not being met, what values transgressed, what emotions triggered? Take time for the question to penetrate.
In the case of the wandering partner, the root of the problem might be that you don't have enough in common, that you and his/her friends don't get on, or that there are problems with the physical side of the relationship that he or she doesn't want to face.
4. What would you like to happen next?
This question starts to move you from the problem to the solution. If you could wave a magic wand over this problem, what would you wish for? Eg. 'I would like my partner to spend more time with me, to go out to dinner together once a week, and to be able to talk about things of importance in our relationship.
5. What would that get for you?
If your magic wand was able to provide this for you, what result would that get for you? Eg I would feel wanted, I would be happier because we were tackling the problems we have instead of running away from them, I would feel more confident about the future.
6. What is in your control?
The fastest route to stress and misery is focussing on things that you want to be different but have no control over. Can you physically stop your partner from going out? Unlikely. Can you make him/her want to spend more time with you? Of course not. But can you ask them to sit down and talk with you about the problem? Yes. Can you tell them how you feel about the situation and ask them what they think? Yes. Can you decide that this relationship isn't working and finish it? Quite possibly.
7. What would you like to do next?
So here are the questions again:
1. What is the problem?
2. In a nutshell, what is the problem for you,
specifically?
3. What is at the root of the problem?
4. What would you like to happen next?
5. What would that get for you?
6. What is in your control?
7. What would you like to do next?
Have fun and let me know how you get on!