TO those who fast on the sacred mountain waiting for dawn:
                Do not be afraid to be afraid.
                     Be afraid, exult, hope, despair, wait and wonder.
                           And then love.

                                                             - Stephen Foster, We Who Have Gone Before

best friends
THANKS to all of you who held me with your prayers and warm wishes for my safety as I left home to fast out in the wilderness and "die" a symbolic death! I sat alone for five days, and thought and prayed for all of you. Yes, the time alone was hot and uncomfortable! With just water, lots of SPF50 sunblock, a rattle, and the full moon, I reviewed my life and spoke with loved ones "as if" I were going to actually die. Some of these encounters were painful! I used the old hospice-based phrases:  Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you. I love you. Goodbye.

Reviewing my life, I asked, "Has my life been on purpose? Have I honored my inner values? Did I give myself fully to what mattered most?"  In asking those questions, obviously many failures stared me in the face, requiring huge amounts of self-forgiveness!

I know if we are frightened by life, we are frightened of death and the other way around. Physical Death is the ultimate transformer and teacher, however we are given the chance to die and be reborn each day.  As Krishnamurti says,

    If you die to everything you know, including your family, your memory, everything you have felt, then death is a purification, a rejuvenating process; then death brings innocence and it is only the innocent who are passionate, not the people who believe or want to find out what happens after death.

I return to you with renewed passion and in love,
Heather


Over the last twenty years, I've had the privilege of studying primitive ecopsychology with incredible teachers from The School of Lost Borders based in Big Pine, CA. This most recent experience, entitled The Great Ballcourt Initiation, An Advanced Program in "The Practice of Living and Dying," used allegorical rituals from the ancient Mayan culture along with modern day hospice teachings to guide one toward death and rebirth using five steps:

   DECISION ROAD - preparing for death, symbolic or actual, recognizing that death is inevitable and showing up as fully as possible for the living now and the dying to come.
   DEATH LODGE - a place to say good bye to loved ones, to ask forgiveness, to be forgiven and to express gratitude.
   PURPOSE CIRCLE - an honest life review and the ultimate question, "What have I made of my life until now, and who am I as I prepare to die to this old life?"
   GREAT BALLCOURT - the question asked in this final game, "Do you play with Death's ball, or do you play with your ball?" - refers to the Mayan allegory of the final transition, from the death of what was to the mystery of what will be.
   EMERGENCE - the challenge to receive rebirth and to bring back lessons learned during the fast, sitting with nature, and in this death/rebirth ritual.

best friends 
 
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