Last night someone very dear to me lost a close friend to suicide. I don't want to go into names because they like their privacy and don't like to be fawned over. I am also keeping the victim's name to myself because I want to respect who he was in life, not in the tragic end.

When people become so trapped in fear they can't see the way out, they fall into a mindset that is erratic. They can not see that love is all around them, and in performing the terrible feat of suicide they don't realize how much they hurt all those people.  Sometimes, they even feel that they must kill themselves to stop hurting others. The reality of it is, he was afraid. No one caused the fear; he himself allowed the fear to consume him. I feel great sorrow for the desperation that lead to his death.

Those who knew and cared for him are now playing the "what if" game. "What if I did this," or "I only wish I saw it coming," become common phrases for the ones trying to cope with the act. Suicide is selfish. It is a direct response to fear. It is the result of completely turning inward and having no regard for those around them. When I hear the stories of this man, they are not of a selfish man. The stories are of a fun-loving, scattered individual who was loved by his family and friends.

I lost a cousin years ago to suicide. I can remember vividly the last time I saw him before death. He came into the room I was in and said,"I just wanted to say goodbye." He then turned to leave, did a double-take, almost came back, but shook his head in decision and left. His name was Carlos and he suffered the pain of depression. His life was very hard, but when you thought of him, he was fun-loving, sometimes scattered, and loved by his family and friends. Months later, I was staying at my parents' home in the darkest bedroom in the house. In that room I saw a bodiless aura form, and intuituvely, I knew it was Carlos. My mind flooded with the knowledge that I needed to get a message to his mother. The message was, "I am in a better place now." The opportunity presented itself a few weeks later. I began to prepare her for the message by finding out her beliefs and then came my chance. "I saw Carlos," I told her. She paused and then asked, "Is he in a better place?"

 

He is in a better place, as is my friend's friend. Here, they were both trapped in their fears, struggling with them daily. There they are embraced in unconditional love without fear. They can rest from their pains and feel the ecstacy of the pure God/Universe. The best way to honor them both is to not dwell upon the fear they represented in the end, but focus on the fun, loving, sometimes scattered friend they were in life. Another way to honor them is to live your life as fun, loving, and joyful, because that is how they liked you best.

 

To my most dear friends in pain today: I love you and always will. Find joy in the times you shared. Don't give power to the fear that took him by reliving what he did.

 
~  John Davis, John of Peniel

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