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The Grey Town Gazette
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News from the Urban Sprawl
June - sept 2012
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Goodbye Summer
(we know it happened somewhere)
 | | Nice while it lasted |
Hello Party Season!
Yes, we're sure that like us you're relieved that the blistering summer is finally over and with it the risk of sunburn and endless sleepless nights in the sweltering heat of the city...
Well, maybe not, but as you know, here at the GTG we're always looking on the bright side and we're looking forward to the upcoming party season in our illustrious town!
So what's new?
We're sure you won't be able to contain your excitement, but we've re-vamped our Downtime section!
Our web boffins have been locked away in their dungeon tasked with tarting up the GTG's lifestyle supplement to match that internationally recognised style-icon the GTG website!
Downtime still features reviews and folklore on bars, beers and beverages in general, but we've now added music videos and food reviews!
So checkout Downtime to see our 'Band of the Moment' The Severed Limb, and our 'Video of the Month' by The Rabbit Foot Spasm Band plus other great music by The Dirty Panties, The Hightown Crows and more!
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Band of the Moment
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Video of the Month
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The GTG - living the dream!
Ed
See more of us at:
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Our website
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Don't miss:
Today's Special
Downtime-Extra:
'9-Day Weekend'
Previewing the WDT European Tour 2012
and coming to your mailbox just nanoseconds after this issue! It's amazing: the GTG is just like Grey Town's buses: you don't see one for ages and then along come two at once!
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Tripel A-Rated Entertainment
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Expression of the Moment
'Excited Delirium'
that sounds good!
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Theobabble
a Thought for Today
Can a Soul get drunk?
Or do drugs prove we're just biological machines?
 | | Deep Thought |
This issue's Theobabble is from regular contributor Deep Thought
"One of the greatest questions to challenge philosophers, theologians and beer drinkers in general, is "what is me?" i.e. where does our self-awareness come from? Do we have a metaphysical soul squatting inside our physical self, or are we just some sort of convoluted bio-electrical feed-back loop living a predetermined finite existence?
This puzzle is the only reason that philosophers and theologians exist at all. Once it's answered they won't be needed (if indeed they ever were) and can all be retrained to do something useful like flip burgers or make beer (some of them already do the latter, and very well - Ed)
Anyway, I think I have the answer:
We're simply machines!
The proof? Hallucinogens
Why? Because drugs affect not only our perception of the world, but also our perception of the perception. They don't just make us wobble about or think the sky is pink, they actually change our personalities and how we think
If we were souls merely living within our bodies, as the body became intoxicated we would view the intoxication as a breakdown of our senses and our ability to co-ordinate our body, but it wouldn't change our thoughts
An analogy is that of a driver attempting to drive a car on a cold wet day..as the windscreen mists up the driver's view is impaired, but his ability to understand what is happening is not affected and he can take remedial action (eg. slow down and turn on the screen demist)
But we don't see our bodies as separate vehicles
That's because we are at one with them, a part of them, a byproduct of their existence...a convoluted (and sometimes intoxicated) biological feedback-loop
That's it!
(so stop throwing petrol bombs at the US embassy - Ed)
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Quote for the
Moment
'I'm not worried about the deficit. It's big enough to look after itself'
- Ronald Reagan
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R�tm�nadshistoria
(It's always Silly Season in Grey Town)
 | | Whatever floats your boat |
Hello Sailor!
Our thanks to regular GTG reader Madam Flutterby of Croydon for sending us this amazingly funny picture taken somewhere up the backwaters of Britain. You can't beat a bit of innuendo!
Do you have a picture of something really funny or amazing that you'd like to share with like minded GTG readers? Like a surfboarding hamster perhaps? Or a root vegetable that looks like a male organ? Or a sumo wrestling team driving to work in a Smart Car? Why not email it to the editorand if we're desperate for content we might even publish it! |
Quantum Qorner
Entangled Pairs..a temporal affair?
It's an established fact that sub-atomic particles can be put into a so-called 'entangled state' in which any action applied to one of the pair causes a simultaneous effect on the other (Einstein's so-called 'spooky action at a distance'). The effect is instantaneous however far apart the pair are
It would be intriguing if this, or a similar, effect could take place between particles separated not by distance but by time.
That could explain ghosts, premonitions, and perhaps open the door to backwards* time travel
Definitely worth some serious investigation the next time we're in the pub
*forward time travel is of course well proven: we all do it every day
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Town Planning
Philistines!
Celebrated Vista Destroyed by
Heartless Development
Citizens in shock as 'Bridge to Nowhere'
obliterates cherished heritage view
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The Glory that Was
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Desecration!
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Grey Town residents and commuters alike are in shock at the brutal destruction of one of the borough's most cherished vistas
The prized view of three of Grey Town's most majestic towers, which was once considered for World Heritage status by the U.N., has been obliterated by the construction of a vast 'Bridge to Nowhere'
Rest assured, the GTG will be campaigning for the removal of this monstrosity and reinstatement of the original view*
*we are open to the idea of financial incentives to drop the cause, so long as it's in the best interests of the borough, of course
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Upmarket stores offer Personal
Shoplifting Service
A boon for wayward starlets
West End, Aug 23rd:
Upmarket department stores hit by falling summer sales have introduced their latest desperate scheme to try and increase footfall at flagship stores: Personal Shoplifters
The concept is to entice into the stores high profile but financially hard-pressed 'slebs' who are either too important or too risk-averse to do their own shoplifting
The stores hope the scheme will be mutually beneficial: providing the shop with the kudos of having high profile clients; and the clients with a nice dress, bracelet or watch with all costs picked up by the store's insurers |
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Quote for the Moment
'If all the economists were laid end-to-end they'd never reach a conclusion'
- George Bernard Shaw
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EU Appoints Weather
Regulator
Eurocrats seek to extend powers to cover regional climate
'Harmonization of the weather will be good for everyone'
 | Grey Sky Thinking
(any excuse to show the editor's favourite cloud photo)
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Brussels Sept 10th:
Based upon lessons learned from the highly successful European Financial Stability Pact, the EU is looking to extend its regulatory powers to cover the weather
Eurocrats are concerned about disparity in weather conditions across the region, and demand that any imbalances must be addressed
There will be strict national limits for rainfall and sunshine
The new policy will lead to a boosting of the powers of EUCLiT (the EU Directorate of Climate Theology)
According to the Directorate's official communique 'EUCliT has been frustrated for some time but now satisfaction is within reach: the future is more integration - a beneficial convergence for everyone'
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Apple fans queue outside wrong shop
Grey Town, Fri Sept 21st:
A group of nearly 100 Grey Town Apple fans who had camped overnight to get their hands on the first batch of iPhone 5s were devastated to learn this morning that they had been queuing at the wrong address. They were actually outside a local hairdressers
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Book Burning: The Environmental Issues
UN publishes a Good Practice Guide for environmentally responsible protesters
An Enviro-mental Special Report
 | | It's Showtime! |
Once again dogma-inspired protests are rampant and so we though it would be an appropriate time to reprint this article from GTG Nov 2010 advising activists on how they can ensure their protests are as environmentally sustainable as possible
UN, New York:
Across the world religious and political activists are being confronted with a daily dilemma: how do they go about their routine, daily protests but with due consideration for the environment?
Burning books, icons, and flags has proven to be be a highly effective way for otherwise irrelevant organizations and theologically retarded activists to get prime-time exposure in the world's media. In a modern society committed to affirmative action (positive discrimination) perhaps that's only right and proper, but everybody agrees that in the 21st century it's no longer acceptable if such actions lead directly or indirectly to the death of polar bears or penguins
With this in mind the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change has published guidelines for protesters, so that they can make informed assessments of the likely environmental impact of their actions. The IPCC hope that this might persuade activists to switch to more environmentally acceptable methods of protest, such as hunger strikes and self-flagellation
But for groups who haven't got the self discipline for that, then at the very least it's hoped they might consider switching from burning books to something with a smaller carbon footprint, such as national flags, BP brochures, or U2 CDs
PDFs - the best choice
The report stresses the benefit of deleting PDF copies instead of burning hard copies of the texts. This has all of the symbolic benefits of a book burning but without the environmental consequences (and its cheaper too!)
For the benefit of our readers we've reproduced some of the more important entries from the report:
Environmental Impact Assessment Table (extract)
Guideline impact assessments for would-be protestors
Deity related lifestyle manual (various)
Carbon Intensity 2.5kg to 3kg (hardback)/0.0000000015kg (online PDF)
Environmental Impact Assessment: High (book burning)/Minimal(PDF deletion)
Human effigy (life size)
Carbon Intensity 10kg
Environmental Impact Assessment: High
US/British/French/Israeli Flag
Carbon Intensity 0.25kg
Environmental Impact Assessment: Medium
BP Corporate Brochure
Carbon Intensity 0.37kg
Environmental Impact Assessment: Medium
Noddy Goes to Toyland
Carbon Intensity 0.15kg (hardback)/0.1kg (paperback)
Environmental Impact Assessment: Minimal
(note: parental supervision required)
The Grey Town Gazette
Carbon Intensity 0.0000000015kg (email deletion)
(or 10.4kg if you are so incensed you feel compelled to burn the PC too)
Environmental Impact Assessment: trivial (email) to tragic (email + PC)
The Da Vinci Code
Carbon Intensity Zero (unrated) - everyone agrees this should be burnt at every opportunity
Other considerations:
The guide urges protesters only to make effigies out of reclaimed or, at the very least, recycled card and paper.
Larger groups are also encouraged to consider purchasing carbon offsets for their protests to mitigate the damage they are doing
Health and Safety Warning:
Playing with fire can be dangerous. The report recommends that rather than attempt your own book burning protest at home it is preferable to attend an official public event where all the appropriate safety measures will have been taken
Poison Pen
If however you are determined to conduct a private protest please note early religious lifestyle guides are bound in medieval leather and this along with the inks and illuminations could contain heavy metals and other toxins. If you are considering burning these please be sure to stand upwind and preferably wear an appropriate CE certified gas mask*
* Wearing a bullet proof vest might also be a good idea
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'Home Made'
declared an EU
Protected Designation of Origin
'A marvelous boost'
for Grey Town
'Home Made' food must originate from
flat b, 16 Acacia Road, Grey Town South
Brussels, Sept 14th:
'Home Made' is joining Champagne, Melton Mowbray pork pie, Camembert cheese, Cornish Pasty and other exulted European regional foods by being classified as a Protected Designation of Origin (PDO)
Henceforth food products can only be sold as 'home made' if they are produced at the officially designated location, ie. flat b, 16 Acacia Road, Grey Town South (next door to the celebrated 'Battered Pikey' chip shop, which sadly isn't covered by the PDO)
The prestigious award of the PDO is the result of an application by Mrs Wendy Bloodmoor and her husband Derek who had become increasingly incensed by pubs and cafes describing meals as 'home made'
According to Wendy 'the whole thing was becoming ridiculous, with pubs and all-and-sundry cheapening the meaning of my lovely home made pies and puddings and Derek's authentic Thai meals, Derek and me (sic) had to do something!'
EU officials apparently rubber-stamped the application before rushing off on their summer holidays, having first had the form translated by a stand-in intern on summer work experience from London Met University
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Obese Britain
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It's only a matter of time..
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Technology
iMoral
Invaluable App helps you navigate around the pitfalls of Moral Relativism
Old Street, Sept 20th:
The dynamic nature of Political Correctness and the ebbing and flowing of old and new pet-causes can lead to moral confusion among even the most enlightened citizens of modern Britain, sometimes leaving us so dazed and distracted that we are unable to function effectively
For example, you might be a feted member of the country's social elite who is a passionate supporter of a mysterious and beguiling web whistle blower. Then to your horror he is accused by a country with impeccable left-wing credentials of unpleasant crimes against women. What do you do? Stick to your feminist credentials, swallow your pride and throw him to the dogs? Or convince yourself that the accuser nation has somehow transformed itself from bastion of liberal respectability into a fascist lap-dog of that evil empire the USA? Tough one! Or you might believe fervently in the rights of different cultures to live according to their own established and worthy traditions, but you aren't quite comfortable with some of them ostracizing (or worse) daughters who refuse to marry their middle-aged cousin or are caught kissing another girl at the local pub? Perhaps you are an advocate of the right of individuals to express their sexuality freely and however they like, but you don't know how to square that with your concern for the welfare of small furry rodents? Or you believe Steve Jobs is a deity but you've heard a great joke about him and you don't know if you should laugh or not Maybe you're passionate about the environment and would never want to promote the use of oil-derived artificial materials but bamboo is so scratchy and you would never consider wearing the remains dead animals on your feet? What are you to do? Technology to the rescue!
You are in luck! iMoral is a new app for iPhone and iPad that provides instant up-to-date advice on these dilemmas
Fed by a constantly updated cloud-based database, iMoral provides rapid and definitive advice on the current relative importance of religion, race, colour, culture, gender, age, disability, the environment, animal rights, organic and GM agriculture, politics and even which tax loopholes are in and out of fashion in polite society
The database is kept relevant and up-to-date by heuristic software that scans the entire web for the comments and opinions of the world's leading moral guardians including religious leaders, theologians, philosophers, judges, doctors, celebs, x-factor contestants, London Cab drivers, Stan at the Chav n' Pikey Tavern and (of course) Bono
iMoral can be downloaded now for 50p Greyscale Rating: Ash
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Downtime
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Music - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
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New Look!
Welcome to the new look Downtime!
Downtime is the Grey Town Gazette's lifestyle supplement covering the sorts of things we like to enjoy when we're not earning a living (ie. as often as possible)
Downtime features video, music, food, drink, and alternative views on life the universe and stuff Our content is always changing, so check out our website for the latest content! Or follow us on Twitter and Facebook for news and updates! What you'll find in the new look Downtime:
GTG Presents:
Video
Miscellany Video Miscellany is a collection of entertaining videos from the GTG and people we like..it's as simple as that! Subjects include music, humour, and just plain random!
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look... our fabulous website!
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Commercial
Product Reviews - price guide for vendors
Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as wine, food, super cars, motor yachts, or executive jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG? We've taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting products, and providing our readers with the comfort of knowing our review ratings accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Rating compatible with your budget, book a publication date, drop us the cash (in an unmarked paper bag please) then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale: Coal (pants) �50Charcoal (bearable) �250Gravel (average) �1,000Ash (good) �5,000Platinum (ace) �10,000Please email the Editor for further details.Terms:
Strictly Cash in Advance
Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you (or both) |
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Things we like
Our list of 'Likes' is growing all the time and we've run out of space here!
Please refer to the GTG Website below for the latest links and recommendations:
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| Join Our Mailing List!
Its not as bad as you think! |
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Small print:
Copyright 2012 The Ministry of Light. All Rights Reserved etc. The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, Croydon's leading Think Tank Disclaimer: The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable by design and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental Why wait for things to happen?...read about them first in the GTG! |
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