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The Grey Town Gazette
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News from the Urban Sprawl
April-May 2012
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The Verge of Spring
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A Special crisis free edition!
We suspect that like us you are probably getting a bit bored with the Eurozone CrisisAll those spoiled club-Med countries jumping up and down demanding more money, and the equally annoying know-it-all puritans in Frankfurt piously banging on about why they should rule the world
Yes, they're all getting really tedious, so as a counterbalance we're not featuring any fiscal, financial, or economics related subjects in this issue. Hurrah!
Other News
New for May: Low Energy background colours
Regular readers will know that the GTG is dedicated to saving the planet and that we have an ongoing programme to reduce our carbon footprint
Our boffins have been beavering away and after extensive testing we're pleased to reveal their latest energy saving idea: low energy background colours
These specially researched lower intensity colours require less energy to be displayed. Multiplied by the thousands of avid GTG readers, this saves a significant amount of energy* It also saves you money!
The GTG - passionate about environment!
Ed
*note: saving does not apply to printed PDFs
See more of us at:
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The GTG website
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Pasty Tax
About Time?
Tobacco tax revenue
£9.7bn
Cost to NHS
£2.7bn
Alcohol tax revenue
£8.3bn
Cost to the NHS
£3bn
Biscuit VAT revenue
£0.4bn
Obesity cost to the NHS
£4.2bn
Source:
The Spectator, Oct 2011
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Don't miss:
The Exciting New GTG Website!
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Click to a whole new world!
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Nanothought
Pretty Pour sounds better than Pretty Poor
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Theobabble
a Thought for Today
Do ghosts have mass?
Laws of physics say they must
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What's the attraction?
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This issue's Theobabble is from regular contributor Deep Thought
"How do ghosts manage to hang around the places where they died and still look relaxed?
It doesn't make sense. Ghosts are spirits, right? No mass? Not affected by gravity? So how do they stay in one place on Earth? The Earth is constantly moving through space. It spins at an equatorial surface speed of 1,000 mph. It orbits the sun at 67,000 mph. The sun orbits the galaxy at 486,000 mph. The galaxy moves through the universe at 2,237,000 mph
So without mass and gravitational attraction to pin them to the earth, ghosts must be flapping away like crazy just to keep up with us, to stay in their particular grave yard or spooky house. Otherwise, surely, they would be left behind, stranded in the same place in the universe, where they first appeared while the Earth zoomed into the distance
But they don't. They stay in the same (Earth relative) position, at the same 'haunted spot' they started at. What's more they're cold, so they don't have any energy, meaning they have no velocity either
So they must be affected by gravity. Therefore they must consist of something"
(So how can they fly? - Ed)
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Quote for the
Moment
'Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt'
- Herbert Hoover
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Rötmånadshistoria
(It's always Silly Season in Grey Town)
 | Good to see they're wearing protection
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Saucy Vegetables
Our thanks to regular GTG reader Constance Cummings of Soho for sending us this amazingly funny picture taken at a street stall in Covent Garden. You can't beat a bit of inuendo!
Do you have a picture of something really funny or amazing that you'd like to share with like minded GTG readers? Like a surfboarding hamster perhaps? Or a root vegetable that looks like a male organ? ( Oops, looks like we've already done that one! - Ed) Or a sumo wrestling team driving to work in a Smart Car? Why not email it to the editorand if we're desperate for content we might even publish it! |
'With this new clothing range, scouting is continuing to move with the times and adapt to the growing number of people from different communities who are choosing to be a part of the movement...'
UK Chief Scout, on the introduction of a new uniform incorporating head covering for Muslim girls
What next? A Guide badge for female circumcision?
Definition:
u-ni-form 1. remaining the same in all cases and at all times; unchanging in form or character; of a similar form or character to another or others
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The GTG Spring Appeal 2012
Save the Faux
 | | Who are you staring at? |
Scandal of (almost) harmless animals being hunted for fur
It's hard to believe that in the 21st century there are people who still consider it is acceptable to wear other people's pets. But pop into any high street fashion store and you're sure to find racks of coats, boots, bags and accessories made of or trimmed with fur. Faux fur
Barely heard of twenty years ago, the faux was once one of Britain's most abundant creatures, leading a harmless happy life bounding around meadows, chasing badgers and experimenting with hallucinogenic root vegetables. But just two decades later it has been hunted to near extinction, just to provide cheap accessories for selfish fashionistas The GTG thinks it is time for this aberrant practice to stop. That's why we are running a National appeal to save Britain's faux! Health and Safety Warning: Although we're sure you will be outraged by the man-inflicted suffering on these adorable creatures, please don't be tempted to try and rescue a faux by yourself When cornered and frightened the normally placid creature turns into a ferocious predator: they have been known to leap as far as fifteen feet in a single bound, before fixing their teeth in a death-lock into the neck of their victim, who invariably suffers a prolonged and agonising death So please leave the rescuing to trained professionals! But you can help right now by sending us your money! A mere £10 will buy a bag full of tasty class-c treats, guaranteed to make a faux happy A modest £100 will pay for counseling and anger management therapy for newly rescued faux A generous £1,000 will make a useful contribution to funding a Mediterranean-based yacht to provide rest and recuperation getaways for traumatised faux, under the watchful care of the GTG's editorial staff
So don't delay, save a Faux today!
Please send your donation in cash (in a plain brown envelope) to the Editor's Suite, GTG Centre, Grey Town (PS. no Euros or carrots please) |
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2012 Preparations
Fortress
Grey Town
Missile Launchers deployed to
prevent a repeat of
2011 riots
Olympics used as cover story
 | | Defending the Castle |
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Other News
It's Official!
Office of National
Statistics confirms
worst fears:
Britain
in Double-Dip
Winter!
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Glad you booked that 'Staycation'?
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But don't worry: forecasters predict the weather will be back to normal by Christmas!
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Flatulence Alleviation & Reduction Tax
New Greens Tax Targets High Methane Foods
The pressure is on for beans, cabbage and curry
 | | Had their chips? |
Whitehall April 4th:
The government today revealed it's latest weapon in the battle to reduce Britain's greenhouse gas emissions: the Flatulence Alleviation & Reduction Tax (FART)
Methane is more than 20 times more effective than CO2 at trapping heat in the atmosphere, so it makes sense to reduced emissions by as much as possible. FART addresses this with a sliding scale of taxes that expand in line with a scientifically derived Flatulence Index. High emission foods such as beans and cabbage will be hit with punitive levels of tax, which the government hopes will lead to a long term reduction in their popularity
Meatie Beans
But fans and devotees of baked beans need not be too depressed. Defra food scientists have developed veg-free substitutes made entirely from mechanically reclaimed meat, allowing consumers to enjoy their old favourites entirely free of feelings of guilt or concern that they might be polluting the environment
Meanwhile, activist vegetarians are up in arms. Pressure group 'Vegan and Proud' (Caterham Chapter) issued a statement: 'We think the government have blown this out of all proportion. We demand they hold back!'
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Water Company Accused of
diluting supplies to
boost profits
Unions demand re-nationalisation
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Liquidity Crisis
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Waddon, April 25th:
Greedy water bosses stand accused of diluting local water supplies to boost profits and bonuses
Residents in Grey Town West have been complaining that their water is being diluted by the local supplier, something the company strenuously denies
However, local pensioner and lifelong resident of Waddon Dot Smith is not convinced by the company's denials: 'the water is much thinner than it used to be' she claims, 'when I was a kid in the 50s you could stand a spoon in it'
Her husband Stan added 'I blame Margaret Thatcher. And the banks. The next thing you'll know they'll be importing it from China'
Safety Issue
In the meantime unions have demanded that the industry should be re-nationalised and are threatening to strike over the issue, claiming 'it's a matter of public safety'. The union claims the water is too thin to put out fires and the borough will be in even greater jeopardy if there is a repeat of last summer's riots
We contacted the company for their side to the story but the management are holidaying in Tuscany and unavailable for comment
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Tweet of the Moment
Phil @Songbird_uk
I'm hearing of good voter turnout in Tower Hamlets. 110%.
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Grey Town shop
prosecuted for selling
soiled vegetables
Staff allowed potatoes and carrots to come into contact with unwashed surfaces
'Outrageous' disregard of Health and Safety procedures put public at risk
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Soiled goods
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Grey Town East, 16th:
Council Health Inspectors have fined a local supermarket after an undercover investigation by the GTG caught staff contravening Health and Safety rules
The shop's employees were secretly filmed by our investigative journalist stacking potatoes and carrots on unwashed surfaces and in one extreme case placing some turnips directly on the floor!
The alarm was raised by concerned customers who had noticed when cooking vegetables purchased from the store that some were contaminated with soil. A typical example of the sort of complaints received by the GTG is this from Ms Georgina 'GG' Gamely of Purley 'Imagine my shock: I was about to cook a turnip when I noticed what looked like a small smudge of mud on its skin! I was outraged! It's the 21st century for heaven's sake! This sort of thing shouldn't happen. I had to take two days off work due to stress'
According to a spokesman for Grey Town's Health and Safety Executive 'this was one of the worst cases of lax hygiene standards that we've come across. It's lucky no one was poisoned'
The company has apologised and committed to send their staff for retraining, and is immediately introducing a new policy of washing all vegetables in formaldehyde before individually wrapping them in antibiotic plastic. They have also made a contribution to a local charity
The GTG: fighting for the local consumer!
Photo source: GTG undercover reporter 'Madam Flutterby'
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Downtime
The GTG Lifestyle Magazine
Arts - Reviews - Food - Drink - Lifestyle
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D
Downtime: Rock
Album Review: 'Verbatim XVII' by DIRGE
European mega-group releases 17th identical CD
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Roeselare, Summer 2011:
It's hot outside. It's hot in the bar. It's hot under the collar. We're hot and we're bothered
We're in Roeselare to enjoy the Rodenbach...and we are (more of that in a future Downtime) ...but we're distracted. Distracted by the repetitive music being played outside in the square. The same song over and over again. Who can it be? Why are they torturing us?
Well, it's our mistake. For we soon find out we're privileged to be listening to one of Europe's biggest bands. Flemish mega group DIRGE
And that explains everything. They're not playing the same song over and over again. They're actually playing their greatest hits, one after the other. There's a subtle difference. That's because DIRGE are a band that (like Flemish brewers) specialise in consistency. And they've got it down to a fine art
This is the band that has recently released its 17th identical album 'Verbatim XVII'. Seventeen albums all the same, each featuring 12 identical copies of their biggest hit Verbatim Simplex
Well not quite all the same. Their website no longer lists the controversial, critically acclaimed but commercially unsuccessful 13th album, Morning Sickness, which of course consisted of a blank double CD in a special plain-cardboard gift pack. It was intended as a tribute to Oasis (and it was about a close to their style as is possible without being a blatant rip-off) but it didn't go down well with their regular fans, who yearned for more of the same
The debacle led to the acrimonious departure of founder Spike Panzer who (of course) went on to form West-Coast Punk revival band Pacific Trash Vortex
Verbatim XVII is re-mix of 16th album, again featuring 12 copies of their benchmark hit, but this time with a bonus EP version on vinyl
As we left the town we noticed we were being treated to another local speciality: piped muzak emanating from from speakers outside every building on the high street. Priceless!
As we hastened our way to the station humbled and in awe, we honestly wondered if we would ever return
Title: Verbatim XVII
By: DIRGE
Greyscale Rating: Platinum
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Fed-up with Rubbish News?
Been on a Desert Island?
Got a Bad Memory?
Or Simply Been out on the Razzle?
If you need to check what has really been happening in the world, or would just like to check out the threads on some of Grey Town's top news stories, this is where to look... our fabulous website!
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Commercial
Product Reviews
Are you a manufacturer or supplier of Premium Products, such as Wine, Food, Super Cars, Motor Yachts, or Lear Jets? Do you want to bring your products to the attention of discerning potential customers of high net self-worth? Well, why not book a product review in the GTG? We have taken a new approach to product reviews. We take the uncertainty out of the process, giving suppliers the confidence they need before submitting product, and providing our readers with the comfort that our reviews accurately reflect the financial stability of the vendor. We have a range of options to suit your marketing needs. Just select the Review Level compatible with your budget, book a time slot and pay online, then arrange to deliver your product (or send a limo to take us to your venue) and we'll do the rest. Its as simple as that! Review Rating Price Scale**: Coal (pants) £50*Charcoal (bearable) £250*Gravel (average) £1,000*Ash (good) £5,000*Platinum (ace) £10,000*Please email the Editor for further details.* Strictly Cash in Advance
** Prices are not negotiable, unless we are drunk or happen to like you, or both |
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Things we like
Let's get on with it!
Like us, but talented!
Not sure they still exist...
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Both worth the trip to the edge of
the World
Beer, beer, beer!
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Its not as bad as you think! |
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Small print:
Copyright 2012 The Ministry of Light. All Rights Reserved etc. The Grey Town Gazette is published by The Ministry of Light, c/o Borg International, Croydon Disclaimer: The Grey Town Gazette is published in good faith. The accuracy of the stories is questionable by design and is certainly not guaranteed. If you think any are true we respectfully suggest you consider therapy. Any reference to persons living or dead is unintentional and purely coincidental The Ministry of Light - Croydon's Leading Think Tank The Grey Town Gazette - Spreading the Truth through Enlightened Disinformation
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