Dore E. Frances, Ph.D.

Happy New Year Everyone!


Raising a teenager can sometimes feel like walking though a forest in the dark of night. And at the same time this is a very exciting time to be a teenager and growing up in America. Today's teens, more than ever before, need to connect with adults - their parent, a coach or teacher, grandparent or foster parent, clergy member, or other trusted adult in their lives.

For the last 6 years I have turned to parents, asking them what articles they would like to see in this monthly newsletter. Each year I feel we have achieved more and more to bring you interesting articles, discoveries in health, family news, and more of what you wanted to know about. This year I am doing something a bit different and exciting.

Over the last year as I have traveled to visit my students in their various programs and schools, and during visits to new programs where I often sit with groups of students, I decided to ask them what they felt was important for the parents and families to know. It has been pretty amazing at the depth and seriousness of what they shared with me. It is not just about alcohol and drugs. That seems to be brought up in most families, although not always in a way they wish to discuss it with their parents. These kids really opened themselves up and talked with me about things that they say are never or are almost never talked about in their homes - and they wish they were.

Of course divorce is a topic that was mentioned more than once. Teenagers may appear to be enveloped in their own world and problems, however, they are not oblivious to the arguments and tensions that precede a divorce. All of the kids I met with said they did talk to friends way more than they talk to their parents.

That's natural. The kids also shared that talking to the adults in their life seemed difficult and even intimidating - especially when it comes to certain subjects.

Have you ever heard these statements:

"Dad, I need to get your permission to go on a co-ed class trip next week. Can I tell you about it?"

"Dad, I need to talk to you about something - but it's kind of embarrassing."

"Grandma, I need your advice about something. Can we talk?"

"Mom, I need to talk to you - but I'm afraid I'll disappoint you."

"Mom, I need to tell you about a problem I'm having, but I need you to just listen, OK? Don't give me advice - I just want you to know what's bothering me."

Things like personal feelings or sex are awkward to discuss with anyone, let alone a parent. It's natural for everyone to be nervous when talking about sensitive topics. As most of us know, talking and listening don't go smoothly every time.

Emotions and past experiences can get in the way. A lot of the kids said their parents did not take them seriously, did not believe what they had to say, did not  listen to and respect their opinions, and almost all said that that their parents did not hear them out first without interrupting. I let them know that their parents won't always see things their way and they won't always say yes to what is being asked.

So with all of that being said, I have quite a list from them and plenty of research to do to bring this information your way. It may bother you as to what kids are thinking about and wanting to talk about at times. It may concern you, and many times that is good. It definitely will surprise you at times.

Each month I will touch on a few subjects and will carry this through the entire year. I hope you find it as fascinating as I did in speaking with your kids.

They are great kids, who are handling a lot, and are working intensely to create a change in their life. They are kind, and loving, and in most cases never meant to hurt anyone with their choices. They were open and honest beyond belief at times. Quite surprising, they also seemed surprised that I was interested in knowing what they want parents to hear. So - to your kids - I dedicate this next year of newsletters. All kids are wonderful additions to this world and even though they may have gotten a little bit off track, they really are grateful for the opportunities they are receiving. At least most of the time.

Whether they were in an addiction treatment center, boarding school, clinical setting, college prep school, eating disorder treatment facility, health care facility, hospital, program for other addictions (of which there are many), school for learning challenges, or on a wilderness adventure in the out of doors, they do want to speak, be listened to, and know what they have to say matters. I am going to do my best to honor your children this year.  I hope you are listening, as it may have been your child who gave me a topic of discussion.

Sincerely,