Greetings!
Hello. My name is Alice. I am an alcoholic and a drug addict.
I am also a cheat, a liar and a thief. I slept with 25 guys in high school to get drugs for free and was known as a drug whore.
starting at age 13 I would sneak out at night or sometimes not come home at all and my parents did not know where I was.
I would not answer their calls. Today .... today I am none of those things. Today, I am a senior in college, and I have friends who have never seen me drunk or stoned and when I tell them about my story, they do not always believe me. Today, I am a caring daughter, granddaughter, big sister and trusted friend.
Today I am alive. One of the greatest threats facing high school students and threatening their future is the easy access to alcohol, illegal drugs, and prescription drugs. Kids do not need money to be doing drugs. There is always a way. I was a daughter who slept with your sons for drugs. I would have sex in their cars, behind the house where they lived, and even in their parents beds, as they always thought that was funny.
If you had told me that a treatment program would save my life and that I would be graduating college, I would never have believed you. I would have thought you were lying to me just like I had been lying to everyone for years. Of course, being high all the time, I did not believe anyone. My heart was closed, and my mind was warped. All I focused on every day was who was going to give me drugs, when could I get them, what drugs were available, where did I have to go to get them, what did I have to do to get them, and how would I keep my parents from ever knowing what I was doing. I was destroying everything and everyone in my life and I really did not care. I destroyed my relationship with my parents, I stole from my little sister, I lied to my best friend and slept with her boyfriend. I destroyed my self-esteem, was suspended from school at the end and gave up on my dream of college.
Ever day I smiled at my parents and charmed them with my beautiful smile and gave them hugs.
Then I would ask them for money and if they said no, I would steal it. Yes, they would ask me if I was using drugs.
"How could I be?" I would say. "Look at my grades, all A's and B's." Yes, I was using drugs. Yes, I was a good student, and I found ways to pass every class. I paid people to do my homework. I charmed the teachers. I lied and manipulated the school counselor. I even went to therapy and lied to the therapist. After 10 visits he told my parents I was just an average teenager with some emotional problems that would go away as I matured. I was high every time I went to therapy.
Dore Frances helped me and my family six years ago.
This week I helped her make a list of 25 signs that means most likely your high school, middle school, or even college student has a problem with alcohol and drugs. I know at least 16 of the signs were ones my parents later told me they saw but wanted to ignore. They were in denial and actually enabled me to keep doing what I was doing.
Just having two or three of the signs means there may be a slight problem. Three or four signs and there is a problem.
Five signs or more and your child may be where I was - on the verge of wanting to give in to my suicidal thoughts, as I felt there was no way out. I started doing drugs when I was 12, and had them at home all the time, in the attic, in my car, in the garage and in my room. I learned from my neighbor who was 15 at the time. I thought he "liked" me.
I was an expert at hiding drugs in plain sight in my favorite doll that sat out on a shelf, underneath the soles of my boots, under the seat of my car where I made a stash pocket, and of course I always had them on my body somewhere, in my bra or underwear. I am one of the lucky ones. I could have gone missing, I could have overdosed, I could have been busted and ended up in jail. Worse, I could have gotten pregnant. Instead I was sent to treatment one very early morning. Even then I lied to the transport people, and to the treatment people, and to the teachers, and to the therapist, and anyone else there who I thought was listening and believing my lies, like my parents did.
For the first few weeks, maybe even months I lied to them and to myself. I am from Georgia, a small town, and had no problem getting what I needed and wanted, even when we went on vacation to New Jersey. I still struggle when stress hits, only now I struggle with a lot of love and support and I know how to ask for help when I feel I may need it. I have "tools".
My parents trust me again, and my little sister is graduating from high school this year and we have a great relationship.
I am glad my grandparents lived to see me be able to apologize to them for the pain I had caused. My best friend, well, those kinds of things take more time.
Alice T., Senior at Agnes Scott College
Thank you Alice for sharing. When I visited you in treatment I was not one of your favorite people, however, you sure were one of mine. I saw that you wanted to live your life, and I am proud to see how far you have come with the choices you now make for yourself. Be proud every day, as you worked very, very hard!
Be well,
Dore E. Frances, Ph.D.
Founder, Horizon Family Solutions, LLC
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How We Got Here
OVERPARENTING HAS BEEN AROUND LONG BEFORE Douglas MacArthur's mom Pinky moved with him to West Point in 1899 and took an apartment near the campus, supposedly so she could watch him with a telescope to be sure he was studying.
Then in the 1990's something dramatic happened, and the needle went way past the red line.
From peace and prosperity there arose anxiety and fear; crime went down, yet parents stopped letting kids out of their sight; the percentage of kids biking or walking to school dropped from 41% in 1969 to 13% in 2001.
Death by injury has dropped more than 50% since 1980, yet parents lobbied to take the jungle gyms out of playgrounds, and strollers suddenly needed a warning label REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING.
Among 6 to 8 year olds free playtime dropped 25% from 1981 to 1997 and homework more than doubled.
Bookstores offered Brain Foods for Kids: Over 100 Recipes to Boost Your Child's Intelligence. By the time the frenzy had reached its peak, colleges were installing "Hi, Mom!" webcams in common areas and employers were creating "parent packs" for young adult college graduates to give to Dad and Mom since they were involved in negotiating benefits and salary.
Heaven help the parents that were brave enough to let their kids venture outside without Secret Service protection.
A Chat With America's Worst MomYes, we are bombarded by heartbreaking news stories about missing little children and the predators that live in our neighborhood. Some 80% of kids who are molested are victims of friends or relatives. I am not saying that there is no danger in the world, or that we shouldn't be prepared. I am saying that the way kids learn to be resourceful is by having to use their resources. A 100% safe world is impossible. Fear has become a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind. There is a difference between fear of failure and fear of physical danger. Studies reinforce the importance of play as an essential protein in a child's emotional diet. Many educators have been searching for ways to tell parents to back off. It is a tricky line to walk. Teachers face a climate in which parents ghostwrite student's homework. A certain amount of hovering is understandable when it comes to young children, yet it is persisting through middle school, high school and into college. Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting, teaches seminars on how to peel back the layers of pressure that weigh down families. And no, this was not easy for me either. My daughter was born in 1986. I definitely over-parented at times. I definitely had fear when a child would go missing. I also saw "recess" being cut down at school, and she wanted a lot more activity at home after school. Yes, I let her walk to school and even blocks to friends houses, and perhaps because we lived in a small community of only 25,000 I felt a bit more safe, as everyone seemed to know everyone. I made many mistakes. As all parents do. Today she is financially supporting herself, working, going to school, and has been since since age 21. She also attended a residential boarding school for 2 years - age 15 to 17, and that time of independence soared her into maturity past her peers. We all do the best we can with what we know at the moment. |
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Help Your GROWN CHILD Without Going BROKE
When to help (when you can afford it)$$ Helping with rent
A full 10% of 18 to 34-year-olds say they have moved back home with their parents because of the recession. ( Pew Research Center) . Keeping a roof over your child's head is an effective way to help. When they have some income, charge a token rent and assign them some household responsibilities. For budgeting, Mint.com has a pie-chart tool that shows where they can cut back.
$$ Paying for health insuranceWhen your child is not covered by a policy through their workplace, getting them a low-cost policy through sites like eHealthInsurance.com may help should an unexpected emergency arise. Those 25 and younger can now be included under their parent's coverage by law. Check with your provider. Some plans will not start coverage until January 2011. When to think twice$$ Assisting with student loans Interest rates tend to be low (Stafford loans, for example, are currently no more than 6.8% (July 2010)) and lenders often allow you to stretch out the terms, so don't jump in and rid your child of college debt. Instead, direct them to the site like FinAid.org or IBRinfo.org for easier repayment options. $$ Offering a loanWhen you are considering lending money to your child, start with a promissory note, a legal agreement that bind them to repayment (available from Nolo.com). For loans over $13,000 the IRS expects you to charge some interest - the "applicable federal rate" (AFR), 2.35% (July 2010) annually for a five-year loan. Even when you do not charge interest, you may owe tax on the money you would have earned had you charged the AFR. When to just say "no"!$$ Bailing out bad shopping habitsStudents graduate with an average of $400 in credit-card debt, according to Salle Mae (July 2010). Encourage your child to ask for a lower rate from their credit-card company. Or have them transfer to a lower credit card by using site like Billshrink.com or NerdWallet.com where they can find better credit-card offers. $$ Co-signing on a credit cardThanks to new credit-card rules, those under 21 cannot get a card in their name unless they have enough income tom pay back debt - or get a parent to co-sign. Don't do it! You will be on the hook for the debts, and your credit score will take a hit on late payments. Remember, "NO" may be the bet word you can offer your child.
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Dore E. Frances, Ph.D.
Horizon Family Solutions, LLC
541-312-4422
Dore@dorefrances.com
Advocate || Educational || Therapeutic Consultant
Parent Coach || Radio Host || Speaker for Workshops
Visionary || Working with People who What to Expand their Creativity and with Organizations that want to Explore new Ways of Thinking
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We serve up a variety of weekly guests that will make you laugh and may even make you cry - and definitely will make you think
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25 Possible Signs That Your Teen Is Using Alcohol and Drugs
- Always asking parents / siblings for money
- Automobile accidents
- Bloodshot eyes
- Calls parents to see who they are with, when they are coming home, what they are doing, where they are
- Dilated pupils pin-point pupils
- Eats too much
- Excessive sweating
- Finding missing and burned spoons
- Finding rolled up paper money
- Forgets what happened just the day or two before
- Grinds teeth
- Has a "cold" all the time
- Has a lot of unexplained money
- Irritable
- Lying all the time
- Major weight loss
- Missing money and/or valuables
- Missing school
- Nodding out
- Not answering your calls
- Not coming home
- Not eating with family
- Very defensive
- Wears excessive clothes
- Will only communicate via text
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Guidelines for Stepparents
Be aware of potential money problems.
Other than discipline, money causes most problems for step-families.
Step-families can often experience financial stress. add the guilt, hurt and resentment about how people feel about money and how it is spent and it is not surprising that conflicts develop over money.
Clear communication between you and your spouse (partner), and even sometimes the children (depending on their age), is the best way to prevent money-related problems.
A written budget can be helpful so everyone know where the money is going.
Be sensitive on sexual matters.
The absence of the biological relationship between you and the stepchildren, and between step-siblings, can bring a heightened sexual tension to normal activities.
This tension needs to not be ignored, and the fact that you are now all a family needs to emphasized.
Your physical relationship with your partner may be more visible that was your partner's former relationship and may distress the children.
recognize those differences and be prepared to provide greater discretion than you might prefer, particularly in the early stages of your relationship.
Expect children to be angry.
Children are frustrated and hurt when their parents end their relationship. This may be expressed as anger, which is easily focused on a stepparent. The children may believe a stepparent is responsible for the parent break-up or that the stepparent is preventing reconciliation. Children are often very angry when they believe a stepparent does not approve of or like their biological parent.
They may also feel disloyal when they accept or like the stepparent, and may therefore act angry or cold with the stepparent.
Understand what causes your stepchildren's anger and recognize that it is healthier for these feelings to be expressed than to be bottled up inside.
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Thanking Our Sponsors
Saving Teens In Crisis Collaborative (STICC) is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization formed in April of 2004 to assist troubled teens and their families struggling with substance abuse and other emotional issue .
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 The Bend Learning Center helps children with learning differences understand and reach their potential. |
BestNotes is a HIPAA compliant Customer Relationship Management and Electronic Health Record software system designed specifically for the special needs community  | |
ISER is a directory of professionals, organizations, and schools that serve the learning disabilities and special education communities
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 The Core Training is the flagship training under the Pathways title and was created to help you understand how you got to where you are in your life. |
 Summit Preparatory School is an accredited private non-profit therapeutic boarding school specializing in compassionate, relationship-based treatment of bright, capable high school age youth who are struggling in their current academic and/or home community due to emotional, academic and behavioral concerns. |
 | | Vive supports young people and their families who find themselves struggling with a difficult transition or life event, or who are experiencing mild to moderate emotional issues |
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