Avoid competing with your partner's ex
It is easy to fall into the trap of competing with the children's biological parent. However, you are different people with different personalities, talents and values. This does not mean one of you is better, just that you are different. Watch out for out-spending a biological parent or being over indulgent.

You cannot buy children's affection or loyalty and attempts to do so will backfire. Develop some communication and respect with the children's other biological parent. An occasional telephone call or friendliness when you exchange the children can go a long way towards showing the children they can appreciate and love all of their parents.

Discipline carefully
Discipline causes the most problems for stepparents, as it does for biological parents. Responsibility for discipline needs to rest with the biological parent, especially early in the relationship.

A stepparent can play a great role as time goes by and relationships with the stepchildren grow. Discipline requires close communication between the biological parent and stepparent, and mutual support when one must discipline.

Your partner must make certain the children understand that you are in charge when he / she is not available.

Don't expect too much too soon
Love and relationships develop over time, especially between stepparents and stepchildren. Old relationships and conflicting feelings can slow the progress, so please be patient and remember that you have years to develop your relationship with the children.

Maintain a healthy relationship with your partner
This is critical to a satisfactory family life. This does not mean you and your partner will never disagree, especially about the children, however you need to resolve issues to keep your relationship alive and growing. You also need to make time to enjoy one another and balance the sacrifices each of you must make to provide for your family. It is critical that one adult does not consistently side with the children against the other adult, and equally important that you do not force your partner to choose between you and the children. Your partner may feel guilt or loss about the ending of the former family relationship.

Recognize that this is normal and allow your new relationships to develop in their own time.

Respect the differences between your histories and households
A stepparent joins a family with established traditions affecting everything from how people show affection to who gets to shower first. As the newcomer, you will probably have to do most of the adjusting at first. That does not mean you are not valued, just that habits re had to break and it is usually easier for one person to adjust than a whole group. Your new family will also share a history of common memories that do not include you.

Remember that you and the family are now creating new memories of which you are a part. More memories and traditions are created when the children spend time with their other biological parent. Tension can also be caused when there is differences in discipline, religion or values. The children may be confused or even reject your beliefs and standards which will be new to them. It is best to compromise and acceptance works best when that is not possible. The children need to understand that both sets of standards might be different, yet they must respect both.

Overparenting got way out of control in the past generation.

Now professionals are working to restore some balance and sanity to family life and help bring all those anxious helicopter parents down for a soft landing.

The insanity crept up on parents slowly; because they just wanted what was best for their kids. I have come across parents who will only buy macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks. I have encountered parents who are hiring tutors to correct 5-year-olds "pencil holding deficiency". I have found parents that hooked up broadband connections in the treehouse and yet took down the swing set after a skinned knee.

Parents are hovering over every school playground and practice field - and these are all "helicopter parents."

Stores market "Kinderkords" (also know as leashes; they allow "three full feet of freedom for both both child and parent").

The mayor of a Connecticut town agreed to chop down three hickory trees on one block after a woman worried that a stray nut might drop into her new swimming pool, where her nut-allergic grandson occasionally swam. A Texas school required parents wanting to help with the second-grade holiday party to have a background check first. Another school auctioned off to the highest bidders, the right to skip the carpool lane and drop their child off right in front of the school building - a spot that is known as handicapped parking.

Parents were so obsessed with their kid's success that parenting turned into a form of product development. Parents were demanding that nursery schools offer the learning of a second language, since it is never too soon to prepare. High school teachers have received irate text messages from parents protesting an exam grade before class was even over; college deans have been describing freshman as "crispies", who arrive at college already burned out, and "teacups", who seem ready to break at the tiniest stress. This is what parenting is like in the 21st century - just one more extravagance, Bubble Wrapping kids. Now there is a new revolution under way, one aimed at rolling back the almost comical overprotectiveness and overinvestment of dads and moms. The revolution is known by many names - free range parenting, slow parenting, simplicity parenting - and the message is: Less is more; hovering is dangerous. Do you really want your children to succeed?

Then learn when to leave them alone. When you lighten up they will fly higher. Parents are often the ones who hold their children down. Cut the kids's extracurricular activities.

Downsize, downshift and simplify - and many, to their surprise, will find they like it. The recession has actually helped the relationship between parents and kids.

Your 26 year old daughter has been living the good life working in real estate, earning enough to purchase her dream car, a Range Rover. Then the housing market crashed, and so did her job and income.

Her car was repossessed. She pleads with you, her parents, to give her the $4,000 she needs to get her car back. Would you?

Or would you say, "Give me a break. Until a person is financially secure, they need not buy an expensive car." Good for you!

That is Parental Finance 101. It is not surprising that there is an increase in adult children asking their parents for financial help; 20-somethings have been the hardest hit in this economy.

The unemployment rate for 20 to 24 year olds has been hovering around 15% for more than a year, and the average college student has more than $23,000 in debt.

And what may or may not be shocking is how much parents are giving - and for how long. According to a recent parent survey, 41% still provide financial support to those 22 - 29 years of age.

And I am not talking about walking around pocket change money. Parents, regardless of their economic situation - give about 10% of their income to their adult children. Yes, it is natural for parents to want to offer a lifeline to their kids.

However, sometimes, the best help of all may be to sever the proverbial cord. Parents, above all, make sure you are adequately saving for your retirement. When you have that locked up and secure - then - and only then, is it advisable to offer financial help. Want some guidelines?  Check back next month on when to help (if you can afford it) with paying for health insurance, helping with rent, assisting with student loans, offering a loan, and when just to say "no".

 

 

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Vive supports young people and their families who find themselves struggling with a difficult transition or life event, or who are experiencing mild to moderate emotional issues