Greetings!
This edition of Horizon Family Solutions newsletter marks the completion of my seventeenth year as a Child Advocate, Educational Consultant and Family Coach. Building upon the spirit and success of Horizon Family Solutions, this monthly email newsletter south to attract a larger group of dedicated readers by publishing monthly and by featuring a broader range of topics of interest to families. By offering a newsletter for the family body, spirit and self - myself and a vast pool of contributing sponsors and writers - have worked hard to first pique the interests of readers, then provide them with stories that are applicable, informative, inspiring and timeless to their experiences and lives. I can say with great certainty that my goal has been accomplished. This newsletter appeals to families as well as those in the professional industry of assisting children and families. And I look forward to continually improving the quality of stories and topics we offer for 2009. But not without help from our readers. The success of this newsletter has always revolved around people - our clients, our readers and of course everyone who has ever been featured. And when I browse through the archives, two things always amaze me: the sheer number of inspirational families who live and work with children each and every day, and how the stories of inspiration typically emerge from seemingly simple decisions and / or acts of kindness in this industry. It makes you realize that regardless who you are, where you come from or the unique sets of circumstances around which your life is defined, anyone can inspire others to do well themselves and to others. Advocates, artists, business owners, counselors, doctors, philanthropists, volunteers, and people who simply sacrifice for the betterment of children and families all prove that oftentimes, a seemingly small commitment can have a tremendous outreach. I therefore ask you, our readers, to consider the people in your lives who most inspire you and others to make positive differences in the world. then, briefly share these stories with us. You can email your brief descriptions and suggestions to dore@dorefrances.com. In 2009, we look forward to featuring those all across the United States, Australia, Canada, England, Ireland, Mexico, Turkey and the United Kingdom (or where ever else you may be), whose stories can teach us all a little about achievement, commitment and selflessness. Doing so will ensure this email newsletter continues to achieve its goal of truly being for families body, mind, spirit and self. Dore E. Frances, M.A., A.C.C. Founder, Horizon Family Solutions, LLC What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. |
Parental Alienation Syndrome
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Parental alienation syndrome is not new.
As a divorced parent, you worry when the other parent makes
derogatory remarks and tries to give your child a negative image of
you. But when do mere derogatory remarks turn into a harmful
psychological phenomenon that psychologists have labeled the "parental
alienation syndrome"?
Parental alienation syndrome occurs when one parent's efforts
to consciously or unconsciously brainwash a child combine with the
child's own bad-mouthing of the other parent. In severe cases, the
child will not want to see or talk to the alienated parent.
Once the alienation reaches such a point, it is difficult to
reverse, and permanent damage is done to the child and to the
relationship between the child and the alienated parent.
What Causes Parental Alienation?
What causes a parent to want to damage the relationship of their own
child with the other parent, at their own child's expense?
Intentions
differ from one parent to the next, but psychologists have suggested
the following as potential motivators:
- An alienating parent may be so insecure as to his or her own parenting skills that he or she projects those concerns onto the other parent, regardless of reality.
- Sometimes new spouses or grandparents push the alienating parent
into inappropriate behavior for their own inappropriate reasons, and
the alienating parent isn't strong enough to resist them.
- An alienating parent may be so wrapped up in their child's life that he or she has no separate identity, and sees the child's relationship with the other parent as a threat.
- An alienating parent may have a personality disorder, such as
narcissism or paranoia, which makes him or her unable to empathize with
the child's feelings or see the way their behavior is harming the
child. Such personality disorders may also make the alienating parent
more likely to be jealous of the other parent's adjustment to the
breakup, and cause the alienating parent to have extreme rage toward
the other parent.
- An alienating parent may have unresolved anger toward the other
parent for perceived wrongs during the relationship, and may be unable
to separate those issues from parenting issues.
- An alienating parent may have unresolved issues from their childhood,
particularly in how they related to their own parents, which he or she
projects onto the other parent (whether or not it is factually
accurate).
What causes a child to buy into the alienating parent's brainwashing? The child may:
- Feel the need to protect a parent who is depressed, panicky or needy
- Want to avoid the anger or rejection of a dominant parent, who is also often the custodial parent
- Want to hold onto the parent the child is most afraid of losing, such as a parent who is self-absorbed or not very involved with the child.
In choosing to go along with the viewpoint of the alienating parent,
the child can avoid conflict and remove him or herself from the
constant tug-of-war. When you are a victim of PAS be sure to develop a good support
network of family and friends who can help you get through what may be
a very long and rocky road. Seek legal and professional help. Above all else, be sure to educate yourself. There
are many credible websites that provide information and help on parental alienation syndrome.
Hugs To Heartbreak
Identifying Behaviors Associated With PAS
THE INTERNATIONAL HANDBOOK OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME: Conceptual, Clinical and Legal Considerations
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Evaluating the Educational Consultant Glass Ceiling
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The proverbial educational consultant glass ceiling still exists today, however, men and women in this industry can work together to shatter the glass. The term "Glass Ceiling" refers to situations where the advancement of a qualified person within the hierarchy of an organization is stopped at a lower level because of some form of discrimination. This situation is referred to as "ceiling" as there is a limitation blocking upward advancement. The word "glass" as is used due because this ceiling or limitation, is not immediately apparent. The term glass ceiling has been thought to have first referred to invisible barriers that impede the career advancement of women in the American workforce. United States Senator Hillary Clinton used "glass ceiling" in her speech to endorse Senator Barack Obama for President and said "although we weren't able to shatter that highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it's got about 18 million cracks in it." While more women are entering the Educational Consulting industry, barriers still exist. The glass ceiling has been cracked. Merely expanding the number of women Educational Consultants does not automatically induce organizational change. It is the specific individual that will bring change. What does it take for more women to make it in the Educational Consultant industry? Certainly the same things that brought to this industry: an action plan, strategy, and vision. For the greatest success, use other professionals to assist you in analyzing your practice (i.e. and advisory board), and provide innovative thinking for creative and practical solutions to challenges. Whether your own personal decision is to join an established corporation, or if you wish to launch your own venture, you need to know how to develop your own uniqueness, establish and utilize your sphere of influence, leverage opportunities, and think strategically. The kind of leadership that is necessary in the Educational Consultant industry to make successful change is having the capacity to learn and reflect from your own life experiences, to solicit and integrate feedback from others, to remain continuously open to re-evaluation and your beliefs in the face of new information, and finally to maintain clarity when viewing goals and priorities. You must discover and maximize your contributions and impact despite pressure and multiple commitments all women make. Women are more likely to choose a career in Educational Consulting based on factors other than financial gain - for instance, because it can be managed within the duties of primary care of children. To assist women in creating an new career on Educational Consulting, it is important to find allies in other women (and men) who are interested in collaborating to make change in the industry. As women move into the Educational Consulting industry, they will bring a new emphasis on new ways of doing business, alliances, collaboration, vision that bucks established leadership practices, and the cultivation of client focused relationships. We are entering an age to forge new and uncharted paths to the future. Many women do not want to work in a male dominated environment. They tire of hitting the glass ceiling and leave for smaller, private firms or start their own business. Women are great leaders in the Educational Consulting industry. They have a unique strength and leadership of purpose coupled with a strong value system. This sense of purpose of women in this industry manifests itself in a commitment to community causes and projects contributing to the common good, optimizing work-life balance, lifelong learning and mentoring, as well as growing and nurturing the next generation of women Educational Consultants. Women generally have more patience, they are empathetic and good listeners, and they are used to multi-tasking. When I first started, it was hard. No one took me seriously. Now I get referrals from attorneys, counselors, doctors, health care providers, judges, ministers, school counselors and school teachers, and more importantly, from parents I have assisted. Dore E. Frances, M.A., A.C.C.Founder, Horizon Family Solutions, LLC Educational Consultant, Family Coach Other Educational ConsultantsAvery Educational Resources - Erin Avery Bass Educational Services - Judith Bass College Planing, Inc. - Judy Bailey "Dore Frances is the most
compassionate and dedicated Educational Consultant and Child Rights Advocate
with whom I have ever worked. Every child and family Dore works with is a living
testimony to Dore's benevolence and in-depth knowledge in the industry. As an
admissions director, I have seen Dore work closely with families throughout
their child's entire stay in their school/program and beyond." ~ Beth J. Fogel , Primary Therapist , Second Nature Entrada
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Debating Salvia - The Latest Legal Drug Craze
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It's legal.
It causes an experience similar to acid. And it can be
purchased online by anyone, of any age. It's called "salvia", and it's
a legal drug of which few people are aware.
"They feel very out of control; it's very scary. They will literally
have blackouts, and what we are seeing is a lot of people having
accidents because they lose their coordination. They aren't able to
think clearly, so we are seeing people fall, stumble, hurt themselves,
and have driving accidents." - Heather Hayes, LPC, drug counselor
A Los Angeles substance abuse treatment center is seeing a rise of
salvia use; people are reporting adding salvia to their routines of
marijuana, cocaine, and ecstasy. No study proves the plant causes long
term damage.
However advisors at the center warn that the drug can
"leave users upset and contribute to pre-existing emotional problems."
Today, more teenagers are smoking a powerful hallucinogenic herb that
is native to Mexico. It is a potent drug, the effects are almost
instantaneous, and because it is legal in most states, it has caught
the attention of lawmakers around the country.
The state of California is taking notice of the trend.
It's considering a bill that
would make the selling and distributing of salvia to a minor a
misdemeanor. A dozen states have outlawed or begun regulating the hallucinogenic drug "salvia" since 2005, including Delaware, whose law was pushed by a mother who believed salvia contributed to her son's suicide.
Salvia Divinorum, a strong hallucinogen that is legal in most states, is
readily available to teens everywhere over the Internet. Online salvia
dealers are reaching out to teenagers by marketing salvia as a completely safe, non addictive, spiritually enhancing herb.
Many
sites warn buyers that they must be eighteen to purchase salvia but
there is no way to verify age online. When the teen has a credit card
then the dealers will sell them the salvia.
A typical warning on a
website selling salvia is at the very bottom of the page in small print
and reads something like; by purchasing this item, the buyer certifies
they are 18 or older and responsible. The teenagers searching for
salvia online, even if they are 18, will most likely not be responsible
because they are searching out a strong drug which they can smoke or
ingest to produce a psychedelic high. Most teens that are looking to
escape from reality by using drugs are not responsible.
Therefore the
responsibility falls on the online dealer because dealers need to know
better than to sell a dangerous drug online that teens can have access
to. We all hope for our children to grow up to be happy, healthy young
adults, but despite our best intentions, there are no guarantees. As
your child goes from the tween years to the teen years, can you detect
signs of a troubled child early on? Signs of a troubled teen:
- Your teen has stolen money from your purse on regular occasions.
- Your teen has extreme mood swings, from depression to elation, and seems to sleep a lot more than usual at times.
- Your child becomes more secretive, and it seems like more than a desire for greater privacy.
- Your child's grades have suddenly dropped and the child has lost interest in the usual activities.
- Your teen has regular, sudden outbursts of anger that are clearly
unreasonable and out of proportion to whatever has caused the anger.
- Your teen regularly misses curfew, does not show up when expected, and
lies about his or her whereabouts (is not where you expected them to be
if you check up on them).
- Your teenager has suddenly changed his or her peer group and hasn't made an effort to let you meet these new friends.
The new group has led to a distinct change in appearance (clothing,
jewelry) and change in attitude (more sullen, defiant, hostile).
Salvia divinorum has no approved medical uses in the US.
In the US, plant material is either chewed or smoked.
When chewed, leaf
mass and juice are maintained within the cheek area with absorption
occurring across the lining of the oral mucosa (buccal). Effects first
appear within 5 to 10 minutes.
Dried leaves, as well as extracts
purported to be enriched with Salvinorin A, are smoked. Smoking pure
Salvinorin A, at a dose of 200-500 micrograms, results in effects
within 30 seconds and lasts about 30 minutes. A limited number of studies have reported the effects of using either
plant material or Salvinorin A. Psychic effects include perceptions of
bright lights, vivid colors and shapes, as well as body movements and
body or object distortions. Other effects include dysphoria,
uncontrolled laughter, a sense of loss of body, overlapping realities
and hallucinations (seeing objects that are not present).
Adverse
physical effects may include incoordination, dizziness and slurred
speech. Salvia divinorum is chewed or smoked to induce illusions and
hallucinations, the diversity of which is described by users as similar
to those induced by ketamine, mescaline, or psilocybin. Salvia divinorum is grown domestically and imported from Mexico and Central and South America.
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Call Dore Frances, M.A., A.C.C.
For professional
parenting support with a difference!
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Many parenting coaches
have coaching training, but few are trained in coaching, and have
professional education in child and families studies, and family
psychology plus 17 years of experience working with children and
parents.
When is parent coaching helpful?
- When parents want to do their best parenting.
- When grandparents take on the parenting role.
- When parents aren't sure what is developmentally appropriate.
- When parents disagree about parenting.
- When parents feel overwhelmed
- When parents feel they need a sounding board.
- When parents see areas of behavior that need improvement.
- When there are crisis in the family that impact children's behavior.
- When there are problems at school.
- When there is no energy left after parenting for your adult relationship.
- When you adopt a child, especially when the child you are adopting is not an infant.
- When you are spending most of your energy just getting through the most recent crisis or problem with your children.
- When you have a foster child in your home.
- When you have a young adult still living in your home and the roles have changed.
Contact me for a free consultation ~ dore@dorefrances.com or call (541) 312-4422
Horizon Family Solutions, LLC
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For Parents Concerned About Their Young Adult
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Experts suggest that people who know someone who might have a
problem with alcohol or other drugs should observe behaviors and have a
conversation with that person based on what they see. However, when that person is your young adult child this strategy might be difficult to apply.
You
may see or speak to your child only sporadically. When weeks or months go
by before you see or speak to your child, how can you monitor behavior
and ask them to change? Seeking treatment for your young adult son or daughter is another
challenge. In most states, parents of children over 18
cannot compel them to go to or stay in treatment.
Sometimes even minor substance-related arrests accumulate and may
eventually lead to prison time, turning the substance use into a legal,
rather than a medical, problem and making it even more difficult to
treat.
You might be getting angry, frustrated, worn down, cynical, or hopeless. But these challenges are not insurmountable.
Whenever possible, try to intervene early. Look for consistently
heavy or excessive use; or, regular or sporadic, risky use. Urge your
child to have an evaluation by a medical, mental health or social
service professional who is knowledgeable about substance use problems.
If you can't intervene early, people with substance use disorders can be helped at any stage. It is never too late.
What if my child agrees to treatment?
When your child agrees to treatment, or even agrees to consider it,
make connections with a treatment center right away. Have phone numbers
for alcohol and drug counseling services, educational consultants who specialize in assisting young adults, physicians who are
knowledgeable about alcoholism and drug dependence, local hospitals
that treat alcoholics and addicts, and Alcoholics Anonymous and
Narcotics Anonymous available and ready.
You may have to be the one to choose the treatment.
This task may
seem daunting, but remember: there are no "right" or "wrong" choices,
and any health care professional with knowledge of substance use
disorders can help you.
Don't stop there. Remember that agreeing to treatment is only the
first step toward getting well. Your child will need your direct
support and steady involvement every step of the way if he or she is to
get well.
My child's in treatment - why do I feel guilty?
Parents are often so relieved that their child has agreed to
treatment that they feel guilty and experience self-doubt.
Put your
mind at ease. It's a common feeling. Families do feel relieved of the
intense stress, and have a right to feel that way. It does not mean
that your child was sent to treatment unnecessarily, or that the family
members made a selfish decision.
My child refused treatment. Is there anything else I can do?
Show your willingness to do anything to help your child get
treatment in the future.
For example, you can say: "I will go with you
to Twelve Step meetings. I will go with you to meet with a physician,
counselor, social worker or family therapist. I will be involved in
whatever way the treatment program thinks I could be of most help."
You may need to withdraw financial and emotional support or end all
contact with your child, if all else fails. Let your child know that
you will always be available when he or she decides to get help.
Again ~
If you can't intervene early, people with substance use disorders can be helped at any age and at any stage. It is never too late.
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In this holiday season, we all share the same night sky.
Look up at the North Star. The year has flown by
and with so many happy memories created with new and old friends.
I hope this new
year brings good things for you and yours!
May this holiday season and new
year bring peace and joy to you wherever you are. And may it bring
to all our nations the wisdom
to live together in
harmony.
Have a happy and healthy holiday and new
year, full of peace and love.
Dore E. Frances, M.A.
Horizon Family Solutions, LLC
NATSAP Annual Conference Celebrating 10 Years
January 29 - 31, 2009 - Austin, Texas
Hope to see you all there!
Disclaimer:
The text presented in this newsletter is not a substitute for professional
medical advice. It is for your information only and may not represent your true
individual situation. Do not hesitate to consult your healthcare provider when you have any questions or concerns. Do not use this information to diagnose or
treat a health problem or disease without consulting a qualified healthcare professional.
Be advised that these articles are derived from various sources
and may not reflect your own country/state regulations.
Horizon Family Solutions does not endorse opinions,
products, or services that may appear in this newsletter.
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Hey There, "Welcome to the rest of your life"
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The moment you realize that life can, and does, change in an instant is a profound moment in the journey of life.
That is what happens when a child is given the gift of help by their parents.
Sometimes we learn that lesson as a child; sometimes when we are older.
For the fortunate ones, it happens when they are younger and they do not have to spend 10, 20, even 30 years struggling alone.
Sometimes we get pretty far along in life before circumstances hit with a force you never expected, shifting perspectives and priorities forever. The kids always feel they are pretty far along in life.
I laugh every time they tell me this, and they are 14, 15, 16, even 17.
And the funny thing is that when this moment arrives, it is usually never of your own making. The kids realize this, finally, and are grateful.
True, whether entering an addiction treatment program or a boarding school, it feels like you have just jumped into a cold mountain lake on a foggy morning. It's enticing and thrilling, but also daunting and there is the initial feeling of shock and fear.
So, the kids do get it, (oftentimes before their parents) otherwise, this article would be called "Welcome to the life you planned", and I could say that to the kids, but that would not seem nearly as funny to them I am sure.
Instead, it is usually a chance alignment of forces that make you realize this is the new normal. What a gift!
In other words, as I say to the kids when I visit them, "Hey there, welcome to the rest of your life."
They just sit and smile (and I usually do get a hug).
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Our Awesome Sponsors!
(For information about being a sponsor please call 541-312-4422)
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Is your child safe when they're online alone?
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Tim Law
Interviews Mike Dorn Safe Havens International
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Safe Havens International, Inc. is a nonprofit organization
comprised of a team of experienced specialists from a variety of
disciplines led by father-son team Michael Dorn & Chris Dorn. Their team members are currently
practitioners in their fields of expertise and are dedicated to
providing services for practitioners from a practitioner's perspective.
They bring to the table many years of experience in the fields of
education, law enforcement, security, mental health, architecture,
grant writing, emergency management and risk management. They are well
trained, highly educated and most importantly, motivated and dedicated
to the enhancement of safety and learning in our schools.
Listen to Tim's interview here
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Holiday Wishes For The Troops
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This holiday season, you can send soldiers and wounded troops greeting cards - even when you don't know their names. Through December 10th, the public can send their greeting cards, with adequate postage and a return address to:
Holiday Mail for Heroes
Post Office Box 5456
Capitol Heights, MD.
20791-5456
Please do not send care packages, inserts, money, or add glitter to your card.
"The eyes of the soldiers really light up when they see greeting cards sent from the American public," Lt. Col. David Oclander
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New Horizon Youth Ranch - Operating since 1999
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Nestled in the beautiful mountains of Montana facing the Canadian
Rockies, New Horizons Youth Ranch offers a Christian residential
program for teenage boys' ages 12 to 17. The ranch
occupies 10 acres of land. The primary facility houses up to 12 boys
currently and the property includes BBQ facility, cattle, horses, hot
tub, ranch work, and Lake Koocanusa is just one mile form the ranch
where the boys fish and swim. At New Horizons Youth Ranch our mission is to help boys grow in
Academic Fitness, Emotional Fitness, Physical Fitness and Spiritual
Fitness. We reinforce and build Self-Discipline and
Self-Respect while developing a positive Self-Image.
Your son receives
behavioral training tools which benefit him for the rest of his life.
New Horizons Youth Ranch is a home-like environment where troubled teen
boys come to develop better life attitudes, grow in their belief, live
life in a safe and nurturing environment, and overcome their challenges
and problems.
When you would like more information please contact us at:
(406) 889-5995 or visit our website at www.NewHorizonsYouth.com
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Difficult Behavior in Adopted Children.
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Recognizing an attachment disorder
One of the biggest concerns when adopting an older child is that
the child may have an attachment issue, or reactive attachment disorder
(RAD).
It makes sense that a child who has spent a long time in an
orphanage or several foster homes might have some sort of attachment
difficulty. However, there are cases where a birth child or an infant
adoptee has developed RAD. Experts say when the cycle of need is
interrupted for any length of time, then an attachment disorder can
develop.
In a healthy
attachment cycle, a baby has a need, the baby cries, the need is met,
and the baby develops trust.
In a disrupted cycle, the baby has a need,
the baby cries, the need is not met, and trust does not develop: anger
develops instead.
In the latter case, a child may grow believing they have
only themselves to rely on.
They learn to manipulate their environment. Some of the classic signs of a child experiencing attachment issues
are indiscriminate affection towards strangers, consistent lying, cruelty to
animals or smaller children, hoarding food, needing to control everyone
in their environment, and triangulation around adult caregivers - that
is to say, getting them to turn on each other or pitting them against
each other.
A child with RAD will act like an angel around one parent
and a stinker around the other so it appears that it is the adult with
the problem, and not the child. This might all sound very daunting and not at all what a new parent
signed on for. There is, however, a great deal of help when your child is
displaying any signs of attachment issues. It is important to find a therapist experienced in treating children with RAD
or other attachment issues.
There are many rewards when you recognize
and overcome any obstacles to loving your child. The very idea that you
have saved a child from themself is worthwhile. The basic premise of therapy for a family suffering with attachment
issues is "unparenting" and then "reparenting." In other words,
destroying all the mistrust and fear of love that the child now harbors
and replacing it with all the love and trust that a parent can give.
This of course is nowhere as easy as it sounds. It doesn't mean
ignoring inappropriate behavior or spoiling a child with everything
they ask for.
This would reinforce their ideal of control.
However,
with a great deal of patience and understanding, and usually with the
help of a therapist knowledgeable about attachment issues, it is not
impossible. The emotional rewards are the best any parent can
experience. |
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