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BRIDGING FAMILIES
We believe in the impossible
Horizon Family Solutions, LLC
September 2008
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Greetings!
I want to thank you for signing up for the Bridging Families newsletter!
If by chance you yourself did not sign up, someone may have signed
you up thinking you would be interested in the latest information about teens
and young adults with addiction, behavioral and emotional issues. You may easily unsubscribe
anytime. I am excited to say that this newsletter is now celebrating 5 years in bringing new research, relevant international and national news, and
feature articles as well as resources that may assist you with your work or with your
family.
Your feedback is always welcomed!
Dore E. Frances, M.A.
1145 NW Knoxville Blvd.
Bend, Oregon 97701
Work: 541.312.4422
Fax: 541.312.4420
E-Mail: dore@dorefrances.com
Teen Intervention News Blog
www.GuidingTeens.com
www.TroubledTeenHelp.com
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Business
Consultations and Staff Development Trainings for Residential Treatment Programs and Schools
How does one go about
building a new program or school or build upon one that may be struggling in these current economical times? This can be particularly
challenging especially if one is newly licensed, recently located or
working in an area that is crawling with other residential programs and schools. Perhaps you need to refine your program
model in order to clearly develop a program that
is unique to your philosophy and leadership.
Horizon Family Solutions delivers on and off site consultation and training on
topics essential for premier organizational performance.We treat
each client as our only client and are available for follow up
issues after our consultations.
HFS also provides expertise in business development for start-ups. We honor
our client's confidentiality. Some of our services include helping research competitors and target markets and participating in the hiring process of employees.
Staff Development
Our staff development trainings focus on strengthening the performance
management of an organization by building skills in communication,
conflict resolution, stress management and teamwork. We
work with your organization to develop a customized training program for
your organizations needs.
We respect
the unique challenges and individual needs of each client.
Typical Clients
- Behavioral health programs
- Children and youth programs
- Emotional growth programs and schools
- Residential treatment centers and facilities
- Residential therapeutic programs and schools
Values
- We are honest, professional, and thorough at all times
- We deliver our best, every time
- We only accept engagements for which we are qualified
- We respect our client's confidential information
- We stay targeted on our client's objectives
Dore Frances, M.A. entered the area of Advocacy and Educational Consulting after working in the corporate world for twelve years.
She has provided training for and has worked with individuals from
corporations and entities including Asera, Inc, Avery Labels, Boys & Girls Club, BP, Hospice, Safeway, Steel24-7, The City of Pacific Grove, The City of Monterey, and many others. We work only
with companies who have a strong sense of mission and posses professional ethics. We know the issues and the market. We work throughout the United States.
Please call Dore Frances, M.A. at (541) 312-4422 or contact us for
more information and to discuss what you want to accomplish.
Our fees
are competitively structured. There is no charge for an initial
consultation. All inquiries are kept confidential. Dore Frances, M.A. is the managing consultant on all projects. Our mission is to satisfy our clients goals through cost effective and ethical management consulting services.
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'Helicopter Parents'
- Constant hovering of your child can kick up a cloud of troubles
Excuse me, but you're hovering. You realize that, right?
Get it? Because you hover? You're a baby boomer, right?
OK, then. Listen up, because this is what is being said about you:
You're too obsessed with your children.
You treat them like little
princes and princesses -- like they're No. 1, like they're MVPs.
You've
painstakingly planned their lives from their first play date to their
first day of college.
They're your little Renaissance kids. You shuttle them from baseball
practice, to music lessons, to tennis, and -- because they will be
going to a great college -- to SAT prep class.
You inflate their egos.
You give them graduation ceremonies even when
it's just from first grade. You give them a trophy at the end of the
season even when they lose.
And by the time they get to college and are
asked who their hero is, your child will say those words you long to
hear: My dad. My mom.
Yes, helicopter parent, your intentions may seem good, however that rotor of
yours is causing a big problem. A report on "60 Minutes" last fall discussed how the so-called echo
boomers -- the children of baby boomers, who were born between 1982 and
1995 -- are "overmanaged" and "very pressured" and treated by their
parents as pieces of "Baccarat crystal or something that could somehow
shatter at any point."
Indeed, Mel Levine, a professor of pediatrics at the University of
North Carolina Medical School in Chapel Hill, says today's children
"may well shatter." He thinks children are being coddled and protected to a degree that
threatens their ability later in life to strike off on their own and
form healthy relationships and proper job skills.
"These parents are trying to create a really terrific statue of a child
rather than a child," says Levine, author of "Ready or Not, Here Comes Life" (Simon and Schuster, 2005). Why is it happening? Mary Elizabeth Hughes, a sociologist at Duke
University, says helicopter parenting may be an outward sign of
economic anxiety, particularly when parents consider the uncertain job
market that may await their children.
"They're very concerned that their kids do very well and excel at a lot of things as a result," she says. Hughes says such parenting may reflect generational changes as well.
Many baby boomer parents came of age during the turbulent '60s where
they couldn't help but experience social change and respond by creating
new lifestyles including new forms of parenting. Some parents have a reputation for sheltering their children and
preventing them from learning from their own mistakes.
"Helicopter
parents," the millennial breed of child defenders, have taken the
function of overprotective parenting to an entirely new level.
Employers are finding that parents are increasingly involved in their
children's job choices, as "helicopter parenting" extends to the
workplace.
As Generation Y enters the job force, parents of new hires are calling
employers to negotiate salary and benefits, and some are even showing
up at job fairs. It's a new dynamic that has some employers responding
by training recruiters and managers how to handle "helicopter parents,"
who hover over their children's lives.
To handle the modern breed of the micromanaging parent, educators are
devising programs to help them separate from their kids -- and they are
taking a harder line on especially intrusive parents. At seminars, such as one in Phoenix last year titled "Managing
Millennial Parents," they swap strategies on how to handle the
"hovercrafts" or "helicopter parents," so dubbed because of a
propensity to swoop in at the slightest crisis. Educators worry not only about how their school climates are affected
by intrusive parents trying to set their own agendas but also about the
ability of young people to become independent.
"As a child gets older, it is a real problem for a parent to work
against their child's independent thought and action, and it is
happening more often," said Ron Goldblatt, executive director of the
Association of Independent Maryland Schools.
Teachers and principals in the early grades began noticing changes in
parents in the 1990s.
Parents began spending more time in classrooms.
Then they began calling teachers frequently. Then came e-mails, text
messages -- sometimes both at once.
Today schools are trying to figure
out how to take back a measure of control.
Growing access to new tools such as e-mail and cell phones create the
ability for parents to use technology as a long-distance umbilical cord
to keep track of their children's every move.
"I can understand why a parent would think, 'I'm just doing what I
think is right for my son or daughter.' The problem is, they're doing
exactly what's wrong for their son or daughter," said Helen Johnson,
author of the book, "Don't Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money."
"In taking over, they are sending a profound message: You are not capable of handling your life," she explained. Wouldn't it be best to teach one's child independence and how to care
for themselves? I thought that is what good parenting was about.
The two best things that you can give your kids are roots and wings.
Dore Frances. M.A. offers parent coaching all across the country.
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How Do I Know When My Child Needs Help?
Sometimes it is difficult for a parent to separate what
is normal behavior from signs that a child may be suffering
with at risk behaviors, computer or video game addiction, anxiety or depression, an eating disorder, or even a gambling addiction. As one father told us, his family
and friends referred to his rambunctious son as Dennis the
Menace. He was cute and loving, but he caused problems everywhere
he went because of his behavior.
Over time, it became clear
his behavior and lack of motivation about his goals in life "just wasn't right," as his father says.
Signs can be even tougher to spot in pre-teens and teen-agers,
two difficult age periods in which new social pressures add "drama" to
their lives, among other influences that youth must assimilate
and cope with. Another father who called with questions about
his daughter wondered what is normal moody behavior for his 15-year-old
vs. clear signals of depression, loss of self-esteem, and the constant lying that had started on a daily basis.
Problems with anger, lack of control over impulses, oppositional behaviors and a change of friends are often warning signs. Some children
with oppositional disorders simply can't be parented in the same way as other children,
as some families have described. Sudden changes in behavior
also can be signs. An extrovert who becomes withdrawn, for
example, or an academically well-performing student whose
grades drop quickly. Behaviors may become more erratic and
unpredictable and pose a risk to the child and those around
him or her. In more severe cases, parents may see in their children
an inability to process.
A child "just doesn't
get it." "If only you'd listen" or "why
don't you understand" are refrains that parents
have used on their children before coming to Horizon Family Solutions for assistance.
Common disorders among children include attention deficit
hyperactivity disorder, depressive disorders, oppositional
defiant disorders, post traumatic stress syndrome, anxiety
disorders. and reactive attachment disorders. Because mental health conditions impact the most complex
organ in our body -- our brain -- there often isn't
some magic sign that signals your child needs help.
We do know that mental illness is treatable, especially
in children. The symptoms and severity of a mental health
condition can range from mild to severe, just as the symptoms
for a child with sexual promiscuity issues. When caught early enough and addressed
properly, a mental health condition can be imperceptible
to the outside world because it can be effectively managed.
The same with sexual identity issues, for example. When left untreated, however, the condition can become severe.
A child's and family's life can become tumultuous,
and families can be torn asunder as they attempt to
find appropriate help. A final note of reassurance -- mental health problems are
not uncommon. About 1 in 5 young people suffer with a diagnosable
mental health condition at any given time -- that's
20 percent of children. This isn't a new phenomenon or the result of over-diagnoses,
as some popular media would have us believe. What is new
is that society is finally shining a light on mental health
care, and the stigma surrounding mental health services is
lifting. More people are free to acknowledge they need mental
health services and get the help they need. There
is no parenting manual that spells this out. When you have concerns, empower yourself.
Call Horizon Family Solutions. We hear similar questions and concerns
every day and help families navigate these sometimes uncertain
waters.
Toll free - 866-833-6911 (TEEN911)
Troubled Teen Check List
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Inhalant Abuse: It's Right Under Your Nose
One in five students in America has used an inhalant to get high by the time they are in the eighth grade.
One of the most deadly substances abused by adolescents is found in your garage, under your kitchen sink and in your bathroom cabinet.
These groups of substances are known as inhalants.
Inhalants are defined as chemical vapors that cause mind-altering effects that come in four forms:
- Aerosols: Sprays that include solvents and propellants such as canned computer cleaner, fabric protector, hairspray and spray paints.
- Gases: Butane, freon, helium, nitros oxide and propane.
- Nitrites: Also known as "poppers," Amyl Nitrite is a legal medication once prescribed to alleviate chest pain. Butyl Nitrite and Isobutyl are readily available on the Internet and are known as "Climax", "Locker Room" or "Rush." Both Nitrites are often sold in small brown bottles labeled "leather cleaner" or "video head cleaner." It is illegal to buy, possess or sell them.
- Volatile substances: Found in products such as correction fluid, gasoline, magic markers and paint thinners.
Inhalants are cheap and easy to buy at any grocery store. In fact, a street term for inhalants is "poor man's pot." Unfortunately inhalants are the one group of drugs that are so accessible that most parents don't think to discuss them with their children. Effects of inhalants can come and go quickly.
The high from inhalants generally lasts only a few minutes. It is important that you be aware of empty containers of aerosols, particularly paints; and canned computer cleaner, rags with chemical odors and fingernails painted with magic marker or correction fluid. Because inhalants are extremely toxic, high concentrations of inhalants can cause Sudden Sniffing Death Syndrome.
5 Ways Teens Might Cheat on Drug Tests-and How to Catch Them
7 Reasons Parents Should Not Test Kids for Drug Use
Is Your Family in Crisis? Are you in immediate need of help?
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Is An Educational Consultant Worth What They
Charge?
"When I need a heart by-pass, or any other type of life saving surgery, rest assured that I won't select my surgeon on
the basis of what they charge."
I have witnessed parents thinking very little
about paying the often excessive fees charged by their accounting or legal firm
. . . or even to the gaggle of consultants who are involved with creating and selling a family on a
beautiful landscape or interior decorator for inside their home, private club memberships or even a
clothes designer.
Yet, when faced with brain drains of an at-risk child in
their home, and looking at the cost of a professional in assisting them, their
thoughts too often turn to the "bargain basement" mentality or just chancing that
they can be an immediate professional on their own by sitting behind a computer
and surfing the Internet. Of course Educational Consultant fees can vary
from firm to firm.
Services also differ. The amount of attention you need, receive and want will
almost definitely differ. So why are Educational Consultants worth what they
charge? Just a few of the often unspoken reasons are:
Cast a wider net - A professional fisherman will
always have more to show than a weekend angler. Educational Consultants are in the
industry day in and day out. They know the unfished coves, reefs and
inlets that are unknown to others. The Internet is filled with lore about the "Designed with your child in mind" website to sell you a program for your at-risk child.
There are occasional pearls that a parent may find on their own (and someone
inevitably wins the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes too) but you
have to shuck an awful lot of smelly oysters to find the one that is a best fit for your child. Educational Consultants
only give you oysters proven to contain pearls.
Your only job is to
determine which pearl is the best for your child and your family. Want to catch what you're fishing for? Hire a guide!
Confidentiality - For a family that is feeling sensitive and experiencing anxiety and apprehension about anyone finding out what is going on with their child, this is a way to work with someone who will not be connecting to others you may know. Horizon Family Solutions has worked with quite a few families that are well known as "public figures" and maintaining that confidentiality with the family around the needs of their child who is in crisis is something we handle with integrity and professionalism and of which we take very seriously.
Cost - There is a misconception that the cost of an educational consultant hired equals the cost of the ads or Internet postings
they run to attract parents. Speaking only for myself, nothing could be further from reality.
Try adding these to the true cost and you'll see just how cost effective an educational consultant can be:
Salaries and benefits you lose (or your unknowing employer loses) when spending days even weeks on the Internet speaking to dozens of people who may just be a telemarketers preying on your state of emotional crisis; travel, lodging and gas expenses of travel to visit programs every month, all over the country; overhead expenses including but not limited
to telephone, toll free numbers for parents, office space, postage, literature, applicant confidential HIPPA compliant database
maintenance and secure back-up; academic accreditation, state licensing and staff reference checking on hundreds of programs; costs to correspond with the
dozens of new programs that open up every year all across the United States that say they have the solution for all teens who have gotten off track and are struggling, just trust them, and then they end up being unqualified as a safe place for a child for one reason or another, on going training and education to keep up with the changes in our youth, numerous of unpaid hours on the telephone.
Expertise - Nobody knows the addiction
treatment, residential treatment / emotional growth schools, therapeutic
boarding school, wilderness adventure marketplace better than a professional
educational consultant . . . nobody!
In-house, doing it yourself, no matter how effective you may be on the
computer, view the industry through an imperfect or misrepresentative prism and
eventually after many hours, days and weeks - tunnel vision is your hazard.
Just as physicians are cautioned against treating members of their own
families, so too is it folly for a parent to believe that they have an
undistorted and unbiased picture of their adolescent and the treatment industry
landscape.
They are vulnerable to the pressures of marketers and sales people
as well as unknown knowledge as to if what they see on a website is what they
actually get when they write that check.
Street-smart independent educational consultants travel all throughout the
year, every year, for many years to know hundreds of programs and schools,
including the ones that are not owned by big corporations and may often be
overlooked by parents and offer benefits and academics that important to their child and their family.
Prioritizing resources - It is often amazing
to see how much of a family's revenues are squandered on
non-productive searches for programs and schools when in crisis with their child.
The fee for having hired an educational consultant pales to insignificance when
compared to the contributions they make to the healing of your family and your child. When you think an educational consultant's fees are too high, put them in
the proper perspective. Savvy parents learn that the fee paid to an educational consultant is a
shrewd strategic investment in their child's life, not an extraneous expense. They also know
that the "best" is far different from the "best available."
Reality - Professional educational consultants often recognize and
have a duty to inform parents that they may be somewhat mistaken as to the type
of program they are thinking about for their child. Something a counselor or therapist is ethically disinclined to do. Too many mental health counselors and therapists fail to understand that
a professional educational consultant's primary function is not necessary to fill a
slot but to provide the right program or school for a child in order to get to the healing aspect of their unique needs and challenges.
Speed - The educational consulting process is always faster
through a professional who is continually tapped into the marketplace of programs and schools than one having to start the process from scratch and risking the use of the Internet. For
every day that a child or family is in crisis, the parents are working hard to maintain stability in their family life. And this doesn't factor in
the risk of working with a non-professional who is less qualified and may make a rushed decision while taking advantage of a parent's emotional state.
Not only is speed an essential part of the professional educational consultant's process, the ability to locate a program or school, or perhaps an emergency program even on a weekend or holiday means you are hiring a person who can immediately "hit the
ground running" with a minimum of "ramp-up time". All too often, doing this on your own or engaging in connecting with a sales person from the Internet brings much less effective resources
that offer a smaller pool of programs and schools and then in making an incorrect choice. It may also cost a family and their child several months of expensive emotional and financial non-results.
Unbiased third party input - Contrary to what some believe, educational consultants don't put square pegs into round holes.
An educational consultant's stock-in-trade is their integrity, their professionalism and their reputation for
finding the best program for an adolescent or young adult, based on their own specific and unique needs, more so than an attorney, counselor, pediatrician, parent, school resource officer or teacher could have found for themselves on the Internet. The average educational consultant may
develop a "long list" of a few hundred or more programs and schools that are on their current recommendation list.
Each program and school is called, evaluated and visited.
Then there is the "short list," an
even more intensive list of programs and schools that may include being JCAHO Accredited, in operation over 20 years, are a Member of the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers, or have an endorsement from other professionals, just to name a few.
This process of finding the best programs and schools is not, as some believe, simply romping through the
file cabinets, harvesting from the Internet look-a-likes or putting the
search out to others on the educational consultant's network with crossed
fingers that something good will show up. It is highly unlikely that a professional educational consultant will be plowing
new ground with your family and your child. They deal within spheres of influence far
more familiar with your needs than any Internet marketing consultant and, more
often than not, view the best fit programs and schools as people, not "programs" who are competent to assist with your child and your family rather than just fill an open bed on their business chart.
Programs and schools want to do business with an educational consultant over and over again, so they tend to look for (and challenge themselves to excellence) the "truly
exceptional" educational consultant to stay connected with and will let them know about potential scholarships or even work with them around a difficult situation more so that just a blanket phone call from someone they do not know.
Although accepting a child directly from a family is "satisfactory" there is most likely no repeat business, unless it is a program using parent marketing of having parents sell their program for a free months tuition. This is absolutely dangerous in oh so many ways. The only one who benefits is the program who is making money off free referrals. This is considered a "lose-lose" in the industry for many reasons. And when a so called "educational consultant" is accepting any type of compensation or payments from a program or school to place a child with them, this is, in my opinion, maliciously unprofessional and never in the best interest of the child or the family.
Once you have a handle on this, you'll have a much better chance of turning a corner with your child who may be in crisis and start the healing process with your family.
Horizon Family Solutions is here to assist your child and your family
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Myths & Facts About Adolescent Sexual Offenders
There are many misconceptions about adolescent sexual offenses, sexual offense victims, and sex
offenders in our society. Much has been learned about these behaviors and populations in
the past decade and this information is being used to develop more effective individualized and intensive
residential treatment interventions throughout the country.
Myth: "Juvenile sex offenders typically are victims of child sexual abuse and
grow up to be adult sex offenders."
Fact: Multiple factors, not just sexual victimization as a child, are associated
with the development of sexually offending behavior in youth.
Recent studies show that rates of physical and sexual abuse vary widely for adolescent sex
offenders; 20 to 50% of these youth experienced physical abuse and approximately 40 to 80%
experienced sexual abuse (Hunter and Becker, 1998).
While many adolescents who commit
sexual offenses have histories of being abused, the majority of these youth do not become
adult sex offenders (Becker and Murphy, 1998). Research suggests that the age of onset and
number of incidents of abuse, the period of time elapsing between the abuse and its first
report, perceptions of how the family responded to the disclosure of abuse, and exposure
to domestic violence all are relevant to why some sexually abused youths go on to sexually
perpetrate while others do not (Hunter and Figueredo, in press).
Myth: "Most sexual assaults are committed by strangers."
Fact: Most sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim or the
victim's family, regardless of whether the victim is a child or an adult.
Child Victims:
Approximately 60% of boys and 80% of girls who are sexually victimized are abused by
someone known to the child or the child's family (Lieb, Quinsey, and Berliner, 1998).
Relatives, friends, baby-sitters, persons in positions of authority over the child, or
persons who supervise children are more likely than strangers to commit a sexual assault.
Myth: "Youths do not commit sex offenses."
Fact: Adolescents are responsible for a significant number of rape and child
molestation cases each year.
Sexual assaults committed by youth are a growing concern in this country.
Currently, it is
estimated that adolescents (ages 13 to 17) account for up to one-fifth of all rapes and
one- half of all cases of child molestation committed each year (Barbaree, Hudson, and
Seto, 1993). In 1995, youth were involved in 15% of all forcible rapes cleared by arrest-
approximately 18 adolescents per 100,000 were arrested for forcible rape. In the same year,
approximately 161,000 adolescents were arrested for sexual offenses, excluding rape and
prostitution (Sickmund, Snyder, Poe-Yamagata, 1997).
The majority of these incidents of sexual abuse involve adolescent male perpetrators
however, prepubescent youths also engage in sexually abusive behaviors.
Myth: "Treatment for adolescent sex offenders is ineffective."
Fact: Adolescent treatment programs can contribute to community safety because those who
attend and cooperate with program conditions are less likely to re-offend than those who never receive treatment intervention.
The majority of adolescent sex offender treatment programs in the United States and Canada now use a
combination of cognitive-behavioral treatment and relapse prevention (designed to help adolescent sex
offenders maintain behavioral changes by anticipating and coping with the problem of
relapse). Offense specific treatment modalities generally involve group and/or individual
therapy focused on victimization awareness and empathy training, cognitive restructuring,
learning about the sexual abuse cycle, relapse prevention planning, anger management and
assertiveness training, social and interpersonal skills development, and changing deviant
sexual arousal patterns.
Different types of offenders typically respond to different residential treatment methods. Treatment effectiveness is often related to multiple factors, including:
The type of adolescent sexual offender (e.g., incest offender or rapist)
The residential treatment model being used (e.g., cognitive-behavioral, relapse prevention,
psycho-educational, psycho-dynamic, or pharmacological)
The treatment modalities being used
Several studies present optimistic conclusions about the effectiveness of residential treatment
programs that are empirically based, offense-specific, and comprehensive.
Research also demonstrates that adolescent sex
offenders who fail to complete their full residential treatment programs are at increased risk for both sexual
and general recidivism.
Characteristics Of Adolescent Sex Offenders:
- 20-50% have histories of physical abuse
- 30-60% exhibit learning disabilities and academic dysfunction
- 40-80% have histories of sexual abuse
- Adolescent sex offenders are typically between the ages of 13 and 17
- Many have difficulties with impulse control and judgment
- They are generally male
- Up to 80% have a diagnosable psychiatric disorder
Because experience to date indicates that sexually abusive behaviors
develop steadily over time, early intervention is clearly needed.
Horizon Family Solutions specializes in working with adolescents, both female and male, who have sexual problems. 866-833-6911 (TEEN911).
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ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL
Residential and Wilderness Programs Are Not All The Same And Neither Are Transport Companies
Dore E. Frances, M.A., Horizon Family Solutions, LLC
For eight years I have read many articles and books that state it takes a village to raise a child.
It also takes a village to research and write a book about the therapeutic and wilderness industry - oh yes, financing and and transport companies, too.
My "village" now includes bringing together all the conversations, destinations, laptop notes, memories, opinions, papers, research, stories, and more from hundreds of families and hundreds of programs and their staff from whom I have connected with over the years.
(Don't worry, unless we were discussing the book, and I have your permission, your conversations with me are still confidential).
I have learned many, many things about this industry - from adolescents, young adults and their family members that I have visited and spoken with, from my own daughters experience in residential treatment, from my perspective as a parent in having that experience, from the chair in my office where I bring forth the experience of an advocate and educational consultant and from the programs and the staff of whom I have visited.
I have learned many things over the years, watched the industry change, and watched our children and family dynamics change.
As of September 1, 2008, I am now in process of writing the final chapters of this book and bringing together all the information into one place.
I am now speaking with juvenile attorneys, staff at residential programs, staff at outdoor and wilderness programs, adolescents (who need their parents permission when under the age of 18), financial companies and transport companies. I am engaging in conversations with programs who will invite me to stay on premises or in the field for 24 hours.
I have spoken with some of you about this previously over the last two years, and now I am taking those final steps of completion. I am also connecting with several transport companies about first hand experience of their business, and financial institutions who have been offering loans for specialized residential treatment.
Yes, I have done some of these things already in my past years research, however, as I said, the industry has changed greatly, as have our youth, and the 21st Century youth are in a very different place than those of just eight years ago. This book is to be made available to many parents and professionals who have an adolescent or young adult in crisis or are working with these families. I have been patient and steadfast in my research for the last four years, watching the change take place in the industry and knowing that timing always is everything.
I have read books about the industry from other psychiatrists, true stories written by mothers, and stories written by fathers. There is a lot of advice out there as well all know. And all these stories have meaning.
This book, as is my intention, is different in that it is providing actual resources and first hand experience for parents and professionals. It is not just a story of my experience or a general summary of what resources may look like for worried parents. It is not a list of general programs based on categories for professionals. Those have been written and are already available.
Many of these so-called reference lists have not been updated in over eight years and many of the programs on these lists have not had anyone visit them for many years, and in some cases, have never been visited by anyone dispersing these lists.
I have seen first hand what works and what doesn't (and why), how programs are staffed and structured, what methods are used and what methods are enhanced each year, as well as what is still being used that no longer works (one program in the south still spanks the kids). There are many different types of therapy, many different types of wilderness programs, and there are many different types of schools. It covers addiction treatment, alternative sentencing programs, parent coaching, programs for kids with sexual addiction, Christian based programs, clinical boarding schools, eating disorder treatment, emotional growth programs, equine therapy based programs, outdoor education programs, programs for those 12 and younger, reactive attachment speciality programs, residential treatment centers, therapeutic residential treatment centers, wilderness programs, and young adult programs. What you will not see are any references to boot camps or any type of program that demoralizes a child or takes away the dignity of being a human being. There is a separate chapter also dedicated to youth transport companies specifically. The book also touches on the role of educational consultants, naturally, and this profession has also changed greatly over the years. Just as there is no one program for all kids, there are many different types of educational consultants with many different specialities.
My intention is to provide specific information on where a family or professional may go specifically to find an accredited, creative, diversified, engaging, financially secure, honorable program that has staff with integrity and is structured to involve parents, is licensed and managed well. Hopefully this presents a relief for many who have grown tired of the thousands of websites on the Internet, some of which are very deceiving. Also, to call a transport company that is bonded, caring, dedicated, financially sound, and keeps their staff well trained is a relief for many parents.
And last but certainly not least, financial resources for parents. This too has changed greatly, especially during the last two years. The lack of true information on may websites is worrisome.
Many treatment centers do not list key staff members or even qualifications of staff who are caring for your children. Many programs do not list a physical address.
For these reasons, as well as many others, and based on my dedication to the health and well-being of children and families, of course my own opinion and what is documented research, I am including only the best programs, schools, outdoor programs and transport companies in this book. Here is my point: Making a choice to assist your child away from home is emotional, frightening and difficult, and no matter what a program or school may say, there is no one that can meet all of the needs of all children.
To be so assuming that one may say so, especially to a parent in crisis, is indeed scary!
ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL
Residential and Wilderness Programs Are Not All The Same
And Neither Are Transport Companies
(Due to be released in 2009)
Dore Frances,M.A.
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Residential Treatment Families with "Vulnerabilities" - For Residential Treatment Providers
One of the most vulnerable places a family can be emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually is when their child is in residential treatment.
Families with vulnerabilities or special needs can benefit greatly from your
professional support, especially when it's coupled with a good
understanding of their situation.
Sometimes, the wellbeing of families and their children may be threatened by
individual, parental or family circumstances and that is why their child is now in treatment.
I call these
'vulnerabilities'. It means that something about the child, parent or
family is creating a risk of poor mental, physical or spiritual health. Most families are vulnerable at some stage, and some difficulties can
affect children into adulthood.
For example, research shows that
emotional and behavioral difficulties early in life can be linked to
behavior problems (such as drug use, poor academic performance, relationship
problems, crime, sexually acting out, stealing, etc.) in adolescence and adulthood. Having a characteristic of risk does not necessarily lead to
vulnerability. For example, the child of a single parent does not
necessarily suffer from not having two parents. It is difficult to predict
why some children are at risk, while other children do well, despite
having a characteristic of vulnerability.
Simply having a characteristic of vulnerability does not mean that
a child's health or development will suffer. Some vulnerabilities are
brief, others are ongoing. Sometimes, families find it difficult to 'break the cycle' of vulnerability, or to get out of a difficult situation and leave the "box" they have created. Most residential treatment programs help by:
Understanding where the family is at - give them plenty of opportunities to explain things in their own words.
Offer support that reflects the parents' situation - the same approach may not be appropriate for different families.
Use
a range of services outside of residential treatment ( parent coaching for example) and offer different ways to access them, so that
families can discuss and learn about the strategies that will help them most while their child is in treatment.
By working in collaboration with families, residential treatment centers can:
Help families who are experiencing vulnerability and reduce risk to their child.
Reach out to families who don't reach out to you, especially avoiding therapy sessions or parent workshops.
Put families in touch with helpful resources.
Give advice and information in a sensitive way.
Support families during times of change, especially as their child is changing and growing during their treatment.
There are a number of things you can do to help families who are
experiencing difficult or vulnerable circumstances while their child is in residential treatment. Doing something
early can reduce any negative effects. Here are some examples:
- Helping
parents use good parenting strategies can reduce the risk of repeated behavior
problems during therapy calls and family visits.
- Strengthening the skills of parents through parent workshops can
reduce behavioral and emotional problems in their children, and increase
their social competence.
Here are some suggestions for ways of communicating with families who are hard to reach:
Be flexible in your methods of communicating; find a variety of ways for parents to keep in touch with you.
Discuss
options for communication at the start of the program, and make an
agreement with parents about how best to communicate (phone, regular therapy meetings, email are some suggestions).
Develop strategies for communicating with non-resident parents, by negotiating this with both parents.
Ensure
your program is flexible to the needs of all families.
Ask parents if they want help. Seems simple. The answer may surprise you at times.
To help reach all families, it is important to have positive contacts with parents, and not just communicate with them when there is a problem. Think
of episodes of positive communication as money going into a bank: you
can only 'withdraw' (that is, talk about problems) once you have built
up a wealth of positive communications. In this way, you and the parent
will find it much easier to raise and resolve difficulties during their child's residential treatment.
Things to think about when you see a difficulty:
- You don't
have to solve the problem for them. Sometimes all you need to do to
help is listen. Look for the strengths in the family; for example,
that a parent wants what is best for their child and is not just focused on the negative.
- Look for
common ground, such as your shared concern for the child's wellbeing.
- Parents
of children who display difficult behavior at home may already feel
inadequate and overwhelmed even though the child is now in residential treatment. Parents might be using your program for
respite from these behaviors and hearing from you about misbehavior
at their program may not help them. When you do have to communicate a problem,
also be prepared to offer possible solutions.
- Consult the
parent on what you feel would be the best course of action when
problems arise. This way they will feel respected and valued. Parents
may have tested a solution at home already and wonder why it is working for you when it did not work for them. Acknowledge their
experience and focus on a solution together.
Sometimes
you may be able to provide families with information that helps them
through difficulties. When you have such information, communicate it
to the parent in a sensitive way, remembering to work in partnership with the parent.
Clarify the issue, or the parent's concern.
Ask
the parent what they have already done to solve the issue, what
has worked, what hasn't, what got in the way. Recognize previous
attempts they have made to solve the problem.
Brainstorm possible solutions, encouraging both of you to come up with potential solutions.
Together, work out the pros and cons of each solution.
Together, decide upon the best solution.
Discuss
what the parent might need.
Regularly review progress towards solving the problem.
When parents ask you for help or advice:
- Explain that it is normal to seek help.
- When you have information to offer parents (either verbally or written), make sure it is accurate.
- Be
honest about the limitations of your role. When you can't help them with
accurate advice, don't feel that you must know the answers. Communicate
what you have, and refer the parent on to someone else within the program.
- Be
aware of who or where you can refer parents. Create a library of
up-to-date resources for staff and parents, and make these easily
accessible to parents.
- Have an environment that is
welcoming and family friendly and offers parents easy access to the
family and parenting resources available in your residential program.
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TIPS FOR DIVORCED AND SEPARATED PARENTS
Don't think that separation and divorce will change the way your spouse
does things.
Behaviors don't change just because you've divorced or separated. Don't expect a spouse
who was always anxious and late when you were together to bring the kids home after a visit
exactly on time. A spouse who was a lazy and a procrastinator isn't all of a sudden going
to become efficient and proactive with their time. A
spouse who took forever to make decisions and became frustrated easily over little things in life isn't going to respond quickly now just because you are no longer living together.
Divorced and separating spouses often have unrealistic expectations about what the other
spouse will do. They
don't change - in fact, behaviors often get worse.
The sooner you understand
this the easier life will be for you and your children. If you couldn't get them to do
certain things during your marriage, what makes you think things will be any
different after divorce or separation?
Don't think that your kids don't know what's
going on - they do.
Whether they are 1 or 21, don't underestimate the impact of separation and
divorce on children. You may think you are keeping the tension and hostility
away by protecting your children from it, but they will still pick up on the
changes and know something is wrong. Each child needs to know that you
understand their feelings and concerns about the divorce or separation. They need to feel
that they can talk to you both and that you will be honest with them. For kids, not knowing what's going on in their world can lead to feelings of
anxiety, bewilderment, confusion, depression, drug use, fatigue, loss of self-esteem, poor grades, sleeping disorders, insecurity, running away, and instability. Their imaginations are vivid. By not talking to
them and making sure the channels of communication are open, you may have some
unpleasant and unexpected reactions and behaviors. During a separation or
divorce this is very difficult to do, especially as you are also going through
some very difficult emotional times with your own life.
Be aware and mindful of where your kids
are at emotionally - talk to them, ask questions and most importantly, listen
to what they have to say.
"I want my day in court." "When the judge just hears my side
and what I have to say, they are sure to agree and give me what I want."
Although we'd all like to think that this is how it works, don't count on
it!
It doesn't happen that way. Don't forget that your spouse will
be saying the same thing with the same intention!
The judge will hear facts that support your
"legal case" - which is not necessarily reflective of your real needs
and interests. Your "case" is developed with pleadings, affidavits
and transcripts of examinations and made to fit within a legal mold, a
framework created by the law. The story that you may have told your lawyer when
you first met has been transformed into a legal case that may in reality
have little resemblance to your original story. The judge will hear your
legal case and will make a decision based on the law. Your "day in court"
may not necessarily get you what may really want, i.e. someone to hear that you
have been aggravated, hurt and disappointed by your spouse, devastated and horrified by your losses and
afraid and concerned of what the future may bring. Finally, you may not necessarily get
the closure that you are expecting and seeking.
Remember - What people say isn't necessarily what they really mean, so understand where they are coming from before you counterattack!
You may hear ~ "I'm going to take her for every penny she's
got!"
What really is being said is ~ "I'm so hurt and betrayed by what you've done to me,
that I'll do whatever I can to hurt you just as much as you've hurt me."
You may hear ~ "If she wants that much child support and half my
pension, I'll go for custody of the kids."
What really is being said is ~ "I am so angry and hurt and insecure and afraid of the
future, that I'll use the best weapon I have against her - the kids."
Don't automatically become defensive and battle
ready. Understand the reason for the battle cry. Statements such as
these are often declarations of war and take you into an adversarial litigation
process that is often difficult to get out of, even after you have grown tired
of the fight.
Yes, you may have a lawyer who will take up arms for you and fight your battle.
Anger,
frustration, hurt and bitterness fuel the adversarial court process. There can be
irreparable harm done to couples and their children and the battle can
leave permanent scarring on everyone, especially the kids. Take time and try to
understand your spouse's perspective.
This is often VERY difficult to do, however, when you can, you may be able to avoid damaging your children's emotions and relationship with both of you.
Don't expect clear, concise, logical, practical and reasonable responses to your clear, concise, logical,
practical and reasonable suggestions. Slow down.
You need to give your spouse time to move through the necessary emotional
stages.
Forcing negotiations and proposals, however fair
and reasonable they may seem to you, on a frustrated, hurt or angry spouse can be a fruitless exercise and may
land you in court far more times that you have intended.
Divorce disputes regarding education plans
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Dore Frances, M.A.
Educational Consultant
Advocate for Adolescents
Parent Coach
Parent Workshop Leader
Speaker
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