• Do everything in your power to accept your former spouse's next mate, since this person also plays an important role in your child's future happiness and stability.
• Hold any charged or volatile discussions far out of earshot or eyesight of the children.
• Never put the other parent down. Divorce uproot's children's feelings of stability badly enough - bashing or trashing one of the parents magnifies the instability exponentially.
• Rather than using kids as as sounding board, divorced parents who are struggling with each other need to seek outside emotional help. 

Programs for Students in Crisis

Dore Frances combines her experience as a successful business professional and confident parent (who had a child of her own in residential treatment) by assisting other parents through coaching.

Parents are tired of living under stress, fear, and constant worry about the people they love most - their kids. The good news is families can now get the help they so desperately need through coaching. Coaching helps parents tap into their own intuition to find the answers they need to create the loving home environments they long for and deserve. Bringing a child back to the same home environment they left is sabotaging all their hard work and effort.

Don't wait until it's too late.Hindsight is always 20/20. So why not be pro-active?

We provide convenient one-on-one telephone coaching with parents all across the United States, Australia and Canada.

Many families believed things would get better, just because their child was in residential treatment or at wilderness. 

One of the basic questions parents wrestle with as they think about coaching is, 'How is it different from what I already do with my therapist'?

One of the difficulties in answering such a question is therapists do widely different things. (So do coaches, of course.) When one compares coaching to psychodynamic models, for example, one might say that therapy focuses on issues of pathology, healing and unresolved psychological issues of the past. Coaching on the other hand, begins with the present and assists clients in setting very clear, and specific goals that they want to achieve in the future.

While the past may be discussed on occasion, it is addressed only in the context of discovering what is blocking the client from moving forward. The focus is always on movement and taking action, not on insight or understanding. In addition, the word 'therapy' conjures up the notion that someone is in need of help or a cure.

Coaching clients choose to work with a coach because they want to, not because they need to. Another difference is that coaches, as contrasted to counselors, are not seen as experts. Rather, they are seen more as a person with a set of skills they use to support people to achieve goals. A coach can be seen more like a partner or buddy that you check in with from week to week to review your progress, vision for the future and set new goals.

Most recently, Dore coached a distraught father and mother. 

They called Dore after enrolling their son in a wilderness program and were not sure about next steps.

Although they were working with an educational consultant, they felt they needed more insight for themselves about their own emotions and feelings that were tied up into being hurt about what had fractured their family. After coaching with Dore during their son's 60 day wilderness experience they were able to see what their son truly needed as a next step and worked with their educational consultant in making that decision.

Dore received the following e-mail:

"Your compassion and insight is empowering. We had no idea this industry (behavioral boarding schools, emotional growth programs, long-term vs,. short-term, etc.) were so confusing. Its unbelievable how many programs are out there & how different they really all are. The thought that some of the programs are not even licensed is very scary. Your support in getting us to share our feelings about this with our educational consultant was empowering. (We let him know this also.) We have decided that we need to continue with our coaching as our son continues to receive his help in his residential program.  We have also come to realize that the constant conflict between us isn't getting us any where so we are willing to let go and learn some life lessons of our own.  We would be "very" interested in your continued coaching service to help us to communicate better with each other. We do feel as though most of our problems are based on lack of communication, past hurts and loss of trust."
~ H & L Smith, California

 After their son had been in his residential program for three months Dore then received this email:

"It has been really great talking to you every week!

You have helped put things into perspective for us. It was a very difficult decision in getting help for our son but knowing that there are people like you out there who not only have the kid's best interest at heart, but our needs as well, takes away the fear of the unknown about the process. You worked with our educational consultant as our coach and that combination helped us to be able to take the next step.  We actually had been determined to bring our son home, although we were told he was not really ready. Reminding us to take a deep breath every now and then and not make rash decisions every time we got a letter from our son was just what we needed to hear and we did follow your advice. You have been very instrumental in getting us thru probably the most difficult time we have had as parents & we will always be grateful that our paths crossed. It would have been so sad if we had just sent him to a boarding school & lost this time of our own healing that has made such a tremendous difference in our own lives."

It is my intention to help parents regain acceptance and understanding over their situation, to heal themselves, to help them learn how they can better communicate with their teen, other children and other family members, to restore their self-confidence as parents and as individuals and to bring peace back into the home.

If you would like more information, please contact Dore at  dore@dorefrances.com to schedule a free 20-minute consultation.

Testimonials

How to Be a Good Stepfather

1. Be a good example to your stepchild. Drinking, drugs and smoking have no place in a home with children in it. This may not be the politically correct position, but from the effects of second hand smoke on young lungs, to the acceptance of illegal drugs, these are not good behaviors to model for children.
2. Balance the gifts and time you give your own children with the stepchild. They are a part of your family, not to be treated like second class citizens or outcasts.
3. Be patient when waiting for your new stepchild to respond to your affection, caring and love. Often, the child is deeply wounded by circumstances involving their biological father, and building a new relationship is threatening to them.
4. Be yourself. It is almost impossible to set up a pretence of doing, being, enjoying, or acting in ways that are not YOU. You may impress your step child for a while, but the real you will emerge sooner or later.
5. Discuss decisions which effect your stepchild with his or her mother. Don't sign them up for a summer at a camp or sports club without talking it over with her. Don't buy them firearms...or fireworks, even seemingly harmless ones like paintball guns or bb guns without her knowledge and consent.
6. Help plan the future of the children. It may fall on you to begin a savings plan for college expenses, the first car, and helping to find that first job.
7. Keep your negative opinions of the child's biological father to yourself unless you are asked directly, and be circumspect when this occasion happens if there is a risk of an emotional overflow.
8. Invite the child to participate in your own activities. If you fish, golf, or do other hobby activities where it is appropriate, take your stepchild along. Not only does this give them a chance to see what you enjoy, but it gives their mother a break.
9. Never argue with the child's mother in front of the child, and be especially careful about making derogatory remarks about her where the child may hear.
10. Respect the child's mother's disciplinary and homework regimens, and when you think they may be out of line, talk to her privately about your concerns, not in front of the child.
11. Respect the child's private space. Any child, from preteen through their teen years deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and private space, and unless there is serious concern about the child's behavior or activity, the more space they are given, the more trusted they will feel.
12. Remember, being a stepdad is a leadership role as part of a team. Accept the unique qualities of each team member, the limitations, even the eccentricities. There will be good times, even great times, but there will be conflict, disagreements, and letdowns. Patience, love, and a sympathetic view will  help you through these challenges. You are the adult, no matter what the situation, you need to remember that, and that problems may seem huge, but often will be forgotten in tomorrows rush, or laughed about next year.
13. Spend time with the stepchild in their activities. Helping with projects, school work, and attending sporting events or clubs like scouting they are involved with will show them you are willing to support their efforts.
14. Show the child you are willing to help out in housework. In this age with so many mothers working to support or help in supporting the family, it is important for children to understand that keeping a household is a family job, not just the mother's.
15. Talk about computer games, video games, and other cultural influences with their mother. Social pressure will often press on Mom to let them do it, whatever "it" is, because everyone else is doing "it". Each family needs to have its own standards and ethical codes to live by. The child's mother needs your support and input on deciding whether to let the child have graphic or violent video games in the home, or allowing them to go to "R" rated movies with their friends.
16. Watch how your step child interacts with your own children if you have any. Jealousy is toxic to any relationship, and when this appears to be occurring, try to head it off immediately. To maintain a happy family atmosphere, step-sibling anger must be dealt with fairly and prudently.

• Becoming a stepfather puts you in a position of responsibility for protecting the child from a host of dangers. Be aware of the risks which the child faces and be on the lookout for dangers around the home. Small children suffer from terrible harm every day because of carelessness.

• A good sense of humor
  
• Patience
  
• Understanding

Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence -- nearly 20 per 1000 women.

(Bureau of Justice Special Report: Intimate Partner Violence, May 2001)

Young women need a dating safety plan. Teen dating violence often is hidden because teenagers typically:
 Are inexperienced with dating relationships.
 Want independence from parents.
 Have romanticized views of love.
 Are pressured by peers to have dating relationships.

Teen dating violence is influenced by how teenagers look at themselves and others. Young men may believe:
 They have the right to "control" their female partners in any way necessary.
 "Masculinity" is physical aggressiveness
 They "possess" their partner.
 They should and can demand intimacy.
 They may lose respect if they are attentive and supportive toward their girlfriends.

Young women may believe:
 They are responsible for solving problems in their relationships
 Their boyfriend's jealousy, possessiveness and even physical abuse, is "romantic."
 Abuse is "normal" because their friends are also being abused.
 They think they can "cure" the abusive boyfriend
 There is no one to ask for help.

Teenagers can choose better relationships when they learn to identify the early warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Teens can choose better relationships when they understand that they have choices, and believe they are valuable people who deserve to be treated with respect.

Early warning signs that your date may eventually become abusive: Extreme jealousy, controlling behavior, quick involvement, mood swings, alcohol and drug use, explosive anger, isolates you from friends and family, uses force during an argument, shows hypersensitivity, blames others for his problems or feelings, verbally abusive, has abused former partners, threatens you with violence.

Common clues that indicate a teenager may be experiencing dating violence:
 Physical signs of injury
 Truancy, and or dropping out of school
 Failing grades
 Changes in mood or personality
 Use of drugs/alcohol -- where there was no prior use
 Emotional outburst
 Isolation from friends and family

Help is available for teenagers!

Remember that no one deserves to be abused or threatened.

HORIZON FAMILY SOLUTIONS, LLC - 866-833-6911 Educational Consulting, Assessment and Adolescent Crisis Intervention