Common Myths on Parenting Teens
Being a parent to a teen is often a thankless and tough job.
The stakes are higher than at any other stage in their development.
Many factors affect outcomes in teenagers, including the child's
characteristics, stress within the family and from outside sources, and
how much support the teen gets at home, at school, and within the
community.
There are many myths regarding parenting teenagers
that need to be dispelled (in my opinion).
Teens don't suddenly "go bad". The following
myths will hopefully help bring parents and teens together, and take a
closer look at the misconceptions that get in the way of understanding
each other.
A good relationship is a peaceful one.
Many
parents fail to give their teen guidelines and boundaries because they
are afraid of a confrontation. A parent cannot afford to shirk their
responsibilities as a parent just for the sake of keeping the peace.
My teenager won't talk to me. I can't get them to
open up. Teenagers like to talk. However, they must have a willing listener.
There needs to be a balance between meaningful talks and routine chatter. Effort and time needs to be taken to find a quiet place to really talk
to the teen about what is going on in their daily lives, and the
challenges they are facing. Keep an open mind and really listen
to what the teen is communicating.
Once a bad kid, always a bad kid. One of the
worst things a parent can do is stick the "bad kid" label on their
teen.
The parent is reinforcing the idea that the teen is bad,
therefore eventually the teen will absolutely believe they are bad and act out in
destructive ways.
Share everything with your teen. Being honest
with the teen does not mean being totally open.
A parent is the primary
role model in the teen's life and often times teens feel that it's OK
to do something their parent did.
Teens prefer their friends to their parents. As
children begin school, they spend less time with their family, and
their friends take on a greater importance in their lives. Adolescents
begin to create their own identity through where they go, what they do,
and who they spend their time with. Unfortunately, teens with high
anxiety or low self-esteem will seek the approval from a peer group.
However, if they have been given strategies and tools early in life to
deal with tough decisions, they will be able to face these challenges
with good results.
(And my favorite!)
You can fix your teenager. When your relationship
with your adolescent is not working, you can only work on yourself and your
behaviors. In doing so, you can search for the best ways to deal with
your teen. You may not be able to control your teens emotional and
volatile nature at all times, however, you are in control of how you respond
to it.
Another common myth is that peer pressure is at its
worst during adolescent and teen years.
Peer pressure is a positive
force and it is also overrated.
Generally, adolescents choose friends
with similar tastes and values to theirs. However, parents still retain
the major influence over the teen's life. Research has shown that
parents who monitor their teens can help curb or prevent many risky
behaviors. Monitoring also serves to give teens the message that with
increased privileges comes increased responsibility and above all that
the parent cares enough to set and enforce boundaries.
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(541) 312-4422
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Greetings!
All adolescents are oppositional from time to time, particularly when
hungry, stressed, tired, or upset. They may argue, defy, disobey, and talk back
to parents, teachers, and other adults. Oppositional behavior is often a normal
part of development for two to three year olds. However, when adolescents
are openly hostile and have uncooperative behavior, this situation may
becomes a serious concern, especially when it is so consistent and frequent
that it stands out when compared with other teens of the same age. This
behavior may seriously affect the adolescent's academic, family and social
life.
In adolescents with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), there is an ongoing
pattern of defiant, hostile and uncooperative behavior toward authority figures
that seriously interferes with the teen's day to day functioning.
Symptoms of ODD may include:
- frequent temper tantrums
- active defiance and refusal
to comply with adult requests and rules
- blaming others for her or his
mistakes or misbehavior
- deliberate attempts to annoy
or upset people
- excessive arguing with adults
- frequent anger and resentment
- mean and hateful talking when
upset
- often being touchy or easily
annoyed by others
- seeking revenge
The
symptoms are usually seen in multiple settings, but may be more noticeable at
home or at school. Five to fifteen percent of all school age children have ODD.
The causes of ODD are unknown, but many parents report that their adolescent
with ODD was more rigid and demanding than their siblings from an early age.
Biological and environmental factors may have a role.
An adolescent presenting with ODD symptoms needs to have a comprehensive
evaluation. It is important to look for other disorders which may be
present; such as, attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD), anxiety
disorders, learning disabilities, and mood disorders (bipolar disorder,
depression).
It may be difficult to improve the symptoms of ODD without treating the
coexisting disorder. Some adolescents with ODD may go on to develop conduct
disorder.
Treatment of ODD may include ~
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to assist problem solving and decrease
negativity, Family Psychotherapy to improve communication, Individual
Psychotherapy to develop more effective anger management, Parent Training
Programs to help manage the adolescent's behavior, Social Skills Training
to increase flexibility and improve frustration tolerance with peers, an Outdoor Wilderness Program (a powerful setting for change) or a Residential Treatment Center specializing in adolescents who have escalated to out of control behavior.
An adolescent with ODD can be very difficult for parents.
These parents need support and understanding. Parents can help their child
with ODD in the following ways ~
- Always build on the
positives, give them praise and positive reinforcement when they shows flexibility
or cooperation.
- Take a time out or break when
you are about to make the conflict with your adolescent worse, not
better. This is good modeling for your teen. Support your adolescent
when they decide to take a time out to prevent overreacting.
- Pick your battles. Since the
adolescent with ODD has trouble avoiding power struggles, prioritize the
things you want them to do.
- Set up reasonable, age
appropriate limits with consequences that can be enforced consistently.
- Maintain interests other than
your adolescent with ODD, so that managing your teen doesn't take all your
time and energy. Obtain support and work with other adults (coaches,
spouse, teachers) dealing with your adolescent.
- Manage your own stress with
exercise and relaxation.
Many adolescents with ODD do respond to the positive parenting
techniques. Parents may ask their family physician or pediatrician to
refer them to an adolescent psychiatrist, who may diagnose and treat ODD and
any coexisting psychiatric condition. Because the thrust toward separation
is especially intense, adolescence is a time when oppositional behavior
is sometimes expected.
To be a good advocate for your adolescent, you need to learn as much as you can about ODD. Here are some helpful links:
Does your child have Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
The foundation of treatment of ODD
A resource for information on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) in children and adolescents
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House offers a phased approach that increases connection with the community as
trust and responsibility builds over time. The goal is to prepare adolescents
for their return back to their home and schools with a plan and process to make
better choices and stay substance free. Participants in the program can
pursue high school or college credits through accredited virtual classes offered
in our on-site education center and supported by on site tutoring. Daily
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Approaches to Adoption Therapy
Different mental health professionals use different types of treatment.
The type of treatment or the combination of treatments chosen may
depend on the type and severity of the presenting issue, the age and
developmental level of the child, and even the experience and
preferences of the professional and family.
Parents need to be sure to
ask prospective therapists about the different types of treatment that
they might use. Some of these different types are described below.
(A
resource that rates the effectiveness of different treatment
interventions for specific populations of children and families is the National Registry of Evidence-Based Programs and Practices.)
A Word About Attachment
Many adopted children
experience problems that may be the result of breaks in attachment that
occurred during the first three years of life. These problems impair,
sometimes severely, the child's ability to trust and bond-to attach-to
other human beings.
Children who have experienced maltreatment or
traumatic separations may be hesitant to trust others enough to attach
quickly or easily. Attachment can be viewed as a
continuum, with healthy attachment at one end and attachment disorder
at the other. While a small percentage of children with attachment
problems can be correctly diagnosed as having Reactive Attachment
Disorder (RAD), many more adopted children display signs of some
attachment difficulty, a midpoint along the continuum. Signs of
attachment problems can include lack of conscience, lack of
cause-and-effect thinking, superficial charm, obvious lying, stealing,
indiscriminate affection with strangers, and cruelty to animals and
people. Attachment therapy. Attachment therapy includes a number of
different approaches to therapy with adolescents, however, all approaches are
based on common principles and theories of attachment and healthy
development.
Attachment therapy (sometimes incorrectly equated with
holding therapy) includes an ever-expanding continuum of interventions
based on treatment theories from an array of therapeutic approaches,
including behavioral and cognitive therapies.
The focus of any attachment therapy needs to be built on a secure
emotional attachment between the adolescent and the parents. Because the
primary focus is on the attachment relationship, not on the adolescent's
symptoms, one or both parents must be active participants in the
therapy. The basis of attachment therapy is that the development of a
trusting attachment relationship will provide the security essential to
healing the behavioral, emotional and psychological issues that may
have developed as a result of earlier disruptions and trauma.
These
issues may include anxiety, depression, grief and loss, and posttraumatic stress disorder. While some families find attachment therapy to be a useful approach,
there is less evidence to support its effectiveness. As a relatively
newer form of therapy, few studies of attachment therapy have been
evaluated for outcomes.
Treatments such as "holding therapy," "rebirthing therapy," or other
types of treatment that involve restraint of the adolescent or unwelcome or
disrespectful intrusion into the adolescent's physical space have raises serious concerns for me.
Some States have
written statutes or policies that restrict or prohibit the use of these
therapies with children in the care or custody of the public agency or
adopted from it.
Other therapies. There are a number of other types of
therapies, as well as variations of therapies, that may prove useful.
These may include art therapy, music therapy, and couples therapy.
Parents should ask the professional to explain the treatment and goals
before deciding on a particular therapy. Behavior modification. This is not one of my first choices any longer, as I do not see any long lasting results based on my own individual studies - with the immediate reward / immediate punishment methods. I especially do not support this method for adopted adolescents. However, it is still being used widely by many programs and schools. A commonly used form of therapy, behavior
modification has many practical applications. The basic approach in
behavior modification is to use immediate rewards and punishments to
replace unacceptable behavior with desirable behavior. The therapist
will identify specific changes desired and will establish a system of
rewards and punishments.
The reasons behind the objectionable behavior
are seen as irrelevant; the focus is on change. This therapy is
believed by many to be especially useful with children who may not be inclined or able to
examine and understand their inner feelings.
Cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy is based on the belief that
the way we perceive situations influences how we feel emotionally. It
is typically time-limited, problem-solving, and focused on the present.
Much of what the adolescent does is solve current problems through
learning specific skills, including identifying distorted thinking,
modifying beliefs, relating to others in different ways, and changing
behaviors.
Family therapy. Increasingly still popular, family therapy is based on
the premise that all psychological problems reflect a dysfunction in
the "family system." The term "dysfunction" means that members of a
group or system are working together in a way that is harmful to some
or all of its members. The therapist requests the active participation
of as many family members as possible and focuses on gaining an
understanding of the roles and relationships within the family. Family
therapy seeks to achieve a balance between the needs of the individual
and those of the larger family system.
Group therapy. This therapy allows a small group of adolescents with
similar challenges to discuss them together in an organized way. Group
therapy makes efficient use of a skilled therapist's time and offers
the extra advantage of feedback from peers.
Occasionally, family
members may be asked to join the group.
Group therapy frequently is
used with adolescents and usually is the treatment of choice for
individuals and families affected by substance abuse.
Individual psychotherapy. This therapy takes many forms.
Often the therapist will work to help the adolescent first express challenges
verbally and then find ways to manage them. This type of therapy tends
to stress that people need to assume responsibility for their own
actions and ultimately for their emotional well-being. The therapist
will offer challenges, interpretations, support, and feedback to the adolescent.
Play Therapy. Therapists customarily use this form of therapy
with very young children, who may not be able to express their feelings
and fears verbally. However, over the last six months I have been using play therapy with adolescents in an outdoor setting using nature as their canvas and have seen some pretty amazing results. These adopted adolescents also have difficulty expressing their fears and feelings and this is a way to draw them out. For the younger child, the therapist will engage them in games using
dolls and other toys, since play is a way for children to communicate.
Through gentle probing, the therapist will draw the child out.
In this way, the child may be able to act out feelings and reveal
deep-seated emotional trauma.
Other therapies. There are a number of other types of therapies,
as well as variations of therapies, that may prove useful. These may
include art therapy, music therapy, and couples therapy. Parents need to ask the professional they are working with to explain the treatment and goals before deciding
on a particular therapy.
Next month I will write about treatment settings that are being used for adolescents with adoption challenges.
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WHEN to WORRY
How to Tell if Your TEEN REALLY NEEDS HELP
It is easy to forget how many emotional, intellectual, physical and social changes occur during adolescence. For some teens, the changes are dramatic; for others, the changes are slow and gradual. As adolescents transition into adulthood, they are discovering how they envision their future, what they like, with whom they want to spend their time, and who they are. The more you understand healthy and typical behavior during adolescence, the better you are at detecting problematic teen behavior. Teenagers experience their feelings more intensely, and their emotions change more quickly than those of young children or adults. These changes are likely a result of the way adolescents' brains develop.
And, because the parts of the brain associated with emotion are not yet fully wired to the parts associated with controlling one's behavior, adolescents may feel as if they are flooded with feelings.
When teens appear to overreact to innocent questions or requests, it may be because of their difficulty interpreting your emotions - believing you are being accusatory, angry, or upset, when you really aren't.
Adolescents typically report more anxiety, loneliness, embarrassment, and self-consciousness than their parents perceive. This is especially true when teens are doing poorly in school, experiencing problems with the family or are unpopular with peers.
Although clearly more emotional during adolescence than during other times in their lives, most teens do not have emotional "problems."
Although most teens and their families move through the obstacle course of the teen years fairly unscathed, some youth display behaviors or emotions that require extra support or outside assistance.
Troubled Teen Check List
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Parent Seminar & Cruise
May 18 - 25, 2008
Although most teens and their families move through the obstacle course of adolescence fairly unscathed, some youth display behaviors and emotions that require extra support or outside assistance. Some of the issues covered in this 3 day parent conference (and seven day Alaskan cruise) are:
Emotional
Behaviors
Family Relationships
Risky
Behavior
Social
Behavior
Also we will take a look at different out-of-hometreatment facilities from residential treatment centers to wilderness programs and what questions you need to be asking.
Seminar Highlights
· Is It Time to Worry?
· Obtaining the Right Treatment for Your Teen-In-Home Services / Therapy / Out of Home Residential Placements
· Potential Costs for Treatment-A Legitimate Concern-Educational Loans / IDEA- IEP's / Private Insurance
· Teens Suffering from Trauma
· Teens Who Burn or Cut Themselves
· Teens Who Use Alcohol and Other Drugs
Starting at approximately. $11195 per person based on double occupancy inside cabin for 7 day cruise and 3 day seminar.
For cruise information contact Valerie Norman at Val's Cruise & Travel-800-572-5456 (Special air add on available from any major airport) Deposit required of $350 per person, refundable until Feb. 1, 2008.
For seminar information contact: Dore Frances, MA-866-833-6911 - Horizon Family Solutions.
Dore Frances, M.A., Child Rights Advocate, Educational Consultant & Parent Coach specializes in working with troubled teens and their parents.
For those attending, you will receive her newest publication which is a guide and manual for parents to have at home as well as two hours of parent coaching.
One during the cruise and one follow up session. after returning home.
Articles of Interest
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Talking to kids about divorce The divorce rate in the United
States has declined since the 1980s but is still higher than most other
countries.
Researchers Hetherington and Stanley-Hogan estimate that 40
percent of children born to married parents in the U.S. will experience
their parents' divorce.
During the summer months when noncustodial parents have children
for an extended time, I cannot help but think of some of the ways
parents can help children deal with the divorce and strengthen
relationships along the way. It is a lot of work for all involved but
need not be contentious.
Ellen Galinsky and Judy David offer some
guidelines for communicating with children about divorce.
-As soon as it becomes obvious that one parent is moving from the
home, it is important to explain to the children what is occurring. It
is also important to have both parents present and to assure them. Be
sure to tell them who will take care of them and assure them of the
visitation arrangements with the other parent.
-Be sure to let them know that the separation or divorce is not the
child's fault. You may need to repeat this several times, as many
children believe that they have done something to cause the parent to
leave.
-Let them know that it is normal to feel bad. It is OK to share
emotions and let them know it will get better after a while.
Keep this
part of the discussion brief and do not criticize the other parent.
-Assure them that you are willing to talk about it if they want to
ask questions. It is healthy for the children to share their
frustrations and fears with their parents. The affirmation that the
parent is willing to listen to them about their feelings is critical as
all work through the transition.
-It is very important to keep their world as consistent as
possible.
This means communicating the rules and applying them at both
homes. This communicates warmth and caring as well as sets reasonable
limits. Different rules at each home cause confusion and encourage
playing one parent against the other.
-When visiting during the summer months and other vacation periods,
it is critical to spend quality time with the child. This is
accomplished by taking the time to do something together that both of
you think is fun.
It does not need to be expensive or require a trip somewhere.
You
might try camping or completing a project together.
Enroll them in a
day camp if you do not have the time off while they are visiting. This
encourages friendships with others their own age and engages them in
activities other than being home alone during the day.
Providing them with their own space in the home is important so
they do not feel like a guest. Ask for help with chores and the
preparation of the meals. This helps them to feel a part of this family
as well and not just a visitor.
Having them come for a month and not really seeing them does not
encourage them to come back as they grow older and would rather spend
time with their friends. It is not necessary to spend a lot of money on
an expensive trip or on toys or other items.
What the child really wants and needs is your time and attention
so they are sure you love them and are interested in their well-being.
The evening table game or successful completion of a project or outing
without the distractions of the very busy world pays dividends over
time as they come to believe they are loved and valued even if both
parents do not live in the same home.
----
Kathy Watson, Ed.D., CFCS, is professor of family studies at
Arizona Western College and can be reached at
Kathy.Watson@azwestern.edu.
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Ask Glenda!
Q: Is it
really that important to follow all the rules and guidelines of my kid's
program? There are just so many, besides I am sure other people have made
exceptions around their schedules, work, etc. I don't think the program really
understands how busy we are. ~ Dorothy Brown, Bellevue, Washington
A: It's not only
important that you follow all of the program's rules and guidelines, it is
critical that you embrace them and be open to learning from them. It is key to
your child succeeding and getting your family back on track.
No role model is more important in your child's life then
you. Whether they will admit it or not, they look to you as a beacon, a guide
and a role model. Ask yourself this: If my child exactly modeled my attitude of
cooperation and support for the program staff, rules and guidelines, what would
be the end result?
What would be their attitude? Stubbornness or openness?
Cooperative or disengaged? Humble or challenging? Appreciative or blaming?
Denial or acceptance? Excuses or accountability?
Yes, you are busy. Yes, there are
other demands in your life.
But the bottom line is, your family is at stake.Quite frankly, your program does understand how busy you
are. So be clear, every rule and guideline is there for a purpose and with
reason. Not on someone's whim. Whether the rules are concerning your program
involvement, or guidelines your child is to follow during an off-grounds pass
or home visits, they are done by design and based on much experience. Every time you make an excuse or rationalize
blowing them off for yourself or your child, your child will notice. They are
paying very close attention to how you behave. They will read between the lines
and will be taking these as clues about needing to obey your rules upon
returning home. If you choose to be lax, don't be shocked when they do the
same.
If you're "too busy" to make your parent conferences, do assigned
homework, or be on time for your scheduled phone calls, don't be surprised that
your child interprets that to mean you don't think they are worth it. If you aren't
open to direction and feedback, don't be thunderstruck when your child plays
the blame game instead of taking ownership for their choices and actions. Be willing to accept that your way of doing things, no
matter how well intentioned, were not working.
Something different must happen
to have different results.
As head of your family you must set the pace. Yes,
your child needs to make changes, but they are not the sole member of your
family and this affects all of you. So do you both a favor. Take the focus off
of them right now and place it on yourself. Start by taking an honest look at
your level of willingness to adhere to the rules and guidelines set in place by
your program. It's a valuable indicator as to where you are at in the progress
towards true family healing.
Glenda Gabriel is a strong
advocate for parent's rights and the parent-choice industry. In addition to
being the mother of a program graduate, she's worked for many years developing
vital parent support services for structured residential boarding schools. www.CoreBB.com
Send questions to ASK GLENDA at
Dore@Dorefrances.com
Frequently Asked Questions about Horizon Family Solutions
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Horizon Family Solutions Offers New Student Assessment Service to Parents and Programs
Not every family may need or want the full services of an Educational Consultant, however, they may still be uncertain about what possible next steps are available or may even be recommended in order for their adolescent to have continued success.
Dore E. Frances, M.A., Founder of Horizon Family Solutions has been offering Student Assessment Services in Bend, Oregon and is now offering these services to expanded areas. These assessments are for adolescents who are already in programs, most of them wilderness who will be taking next steps or are in Residential Treatment Centers who are ready for a step down program before coming home. Some parents may even be wondering if coming home is a good option.
Parents are in need of a full assessment about next steps and what those options may be.
Dore first interviews the family (via phone or in person) and takes in some important background information about their adolescent regarding academics (including review of IEP when needed), hobbies, interests, career or college goals, family history, background on what brought their child to this program, health history and any special needs they may have. Any educational testing or psychological testing is also reviewed.
In agreement with the program / school / wilderness schedule and availability, she then travels out to meet the child in the field or at their program and spends a great deal of time with them that day as well as with the staff and therapist that are working with their adolescent.
School personnel are also met with when applicable.
When there are any other important professionals to connect with, that is done as well. Depending on the adolescent and the situation, certain assessment tools (questionnaires, etc.) may be used. Upon completion of gathering all this information, a very detailed report is written containing an overview of the current situation, insight as to observations made, findings that relate to the current situation, comments made by the adolescent regarding their desire, goals, hopes and plans, and a complete summary of what the adolescent may be ready for or not ready for with complete and detailed recommendations.
These recommendations may include the type of program - At home aftercare, boarding school, boys only or girls only program vs. coed, clinical boarding school, emotional growth program, residential treatment center, therapeutic boarding school and so forth.
Recommendations to any particular program or school for next steps are not made in the summary.
This is not part of this service and would require full Educational Consulting Services in order to make those types of detailed recommendations. What is recommended is the type of next step that may be best for success as well as an overview of what the program or school may need to offer in order to have the adolescent be successful.
Results are then reviewed with the parents. Oftentimes parents are asking the personnel of a program or school to tell them where their child may need to go next. This is not their role and oftentimes puts them in a very uncomfortable position. Their role is to focus on your adolescent while they are with them and to give them the very best opportunity to be successful and assist them in being ready to accept next steps before they leave.
For more information about this service contact:
Dore E. Frances, M.A. at (541) 312-4422 or visit our website: Student Assessment Services
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