 Dear :
Grief in our lives is inevitable, but as a culture, we are ill-equipped to know what to say when it's the other person experiencing grief. We live in a death-denying culture.
In addition, it's virtually impossible to clearly focus on tasks, projects, and people when you are the one experiencing the grief.
Recently, our family experienced a loss when my 85-year old mother passed away. What's strikingly profound to me is that although you expect your parents to pass before you do, it's difficult to understand just how that lost shifts the entire axis of your world.
In this newsletter, I'm going to share with you what I've learned through this process and how you can be a more effective communicator to someone who is grieving at work, and how you can be a more effective worker when you are the one grieving. Let me know what you think.
Warm Regards,
Sarah Zink
P.S. Are you writing a newsletter and need some "snippets" of information? You are welcome to quote anything in this e-zine, provided you give appropriate credit.
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When YOU Are the One
Tips to Stay Focused
While my mother was declining and in the few weeks prior to her death, I was responsible for one of the largest golfing events in the history of the Chamber for which I was doing work. I had spent months making my case to use a particular golf course and had convinced them to go to a double-course format. I *had* to do a good job.
Here are some tips that I used to stay focused during this difficult time.
- Break the task into tiny pieces. Every task is comprised of many smaller ones. Focus on each small task individually.
- Drop anything that isn't a priority. This means that you have to weigh what is important in your life. What is critical to your job performance, your family's well-being, and your peace of mind?
- Do good work in honor of the one for whom you are grieving. Many days, I felt like falling apart, but I reminded myself that I was honoring my mother by how I worked during this difficult time.
Using these techniques helped me stay focused. And by the way - the tournament goal was to raise $27,000 and we raised $40,000. I consider that a tribute to my mom.
Does your business, organization or work group need to understand one another better?
to contact Sarah. |
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What To Say - Tip # 1
STOP Asking Questions
When someone is experiencing grief - such as a terminally ill family member - you want to say SOMETHING, and so often the only thing that comes to mind is "How are you?" or "How is your mom?"
These types of questions should be reserved for those people who are close friends. Why? Because these questions are asking the person to reveal sensitive information and emotions, and unless you are a close friend, these types of questions lead to "rote" answers, such as "I'm fine, she's fine", which aren't accomplishing anything.
A person whose family member is experiencing a lengthy illness or is in hospice is most likely experiencing what is called "anticipatory grief". This is a period when they are grieving constantly - it's mentally, physically and emotionally draining.
Sometimes, too many questions feel almost like an interview, or an inquisition. Additionally, multiple probing questions carry with them a morbid curiosity that sends a message of insensitivity to the person struggling with the grief.
See below for ideas of what TO say to a person grieving at work.
If you would like Sarah to come and speak
to your group, organization or company,
please click HERE.
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What to Say - Tip # 2
STOP Sharing Your Story
Often, when someone is experiencing grief, we try to connect by sharing our personal story of loss. Unfortunately, this isn't always the best way to create that "I know how you feel" sense in the grieving person.
At one point in the process of losing my mother, I had someone share with me their personal story of losing their father-in-law. What was poignant for me was their comment of how "inconvenient" it was for their mother-in-law to ask them to come and sit with her after the father had passed. I was stunned and speechless at her insensitivity with her mother-in-law and with with me.
In reality, sharing your story sends a message that your grief was greater, or that what the grieving person is experiencing isn't as important as your experience.
See below for ideas of what TO say to a person grieving at work.
Does your business, organization or work group need to master good communication skills?
Click HERE to contact Sarah |
What to Say - Tip # 3
Suggested Comments
Here are some alternatives to questions:
- "I know that you are going through a difficult time, and I want you to know that I'm thinking about you."
- "I can't imagine how you are feeling, but I am available if you need to talk."
Here are some alternatives to sharing your story:
- "I don't know how you feel, but I recently went through a difficult situation, and Iknow how hard it can be to focus at work."
Instead of "Let me know if you need anything", consider saying:
- If you need someone to (be specific):
- run errands
- cut your lawn
- pick up slack at work
- run kids to ....
- (fill in with your expertise)
Does your business, organization or work group need
to understand one another better? Click HERE to contact Sarah. |
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