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Greetings!
Walking in the pre-dawn dark, with light rain gently falling, I'm feeling smart. When anxiety awakes me in the wee hours, I have two options: to stay, or to walk. Option 1 is to let the 800 lb gorilla sit on my chest while my mind races with anxious thoughts - all that I have yet to do, which plan of action to take, making mental lists. The gorilla gets no lighter as I make these lists; thoughts spin and swirl in the dark, allowing no sleep, and yet no resolution either. Option 2 is to walk. This morning I get up, stumble into tennis shoes, call my two dogs who seem unphased by anxious thoughts (after all, what could they be? "Where DID that squirrel go?"), and are certainly happy to assist any adventure involving woods, rivers, sticks, and chases; we head into the darkness.
"Solvitur Ambulando-" this Latin phrase meaning "all is solved by walking," is often at the start of a labyrinth - an exercise of walking and praying, letting the repetitive motion calm the mind; the walking itself becomes a centering prayer. This morning feels similar: we are so early that rush hour hasn't yet begun (and in Washington DC that's saying something), there is no hint of dawn, and the forest noise-makers are still at rest.
The rocky path to the river glistens in the rain. I stumble down through the forest with utter darkness on either side, following this silvery thread to the wide open river. This may seem mad, but truly, it is much better than lying in bed with a swirling mind and 800lbs of gorilla sitting on my heart. As I walk, I begin to pray, lifting all those anxious thoughts to the light that is not visible. I listen for the night flyers, for the sound of the low-water of late summer trickling over rocks, and the moment when an insect first begins to rub its wings together. All is quiet.
Finally the forest gives way at river's edge, and even the pre-dawn night sky is a bit lighter than the black leaf canopy. Immediately I sense ease. Since waking with an anxious mind is a common experience for me, I am accustomed to such night walks. I begin to stretch, throwing sticks in the river for the pups. Even in the light rain I get warm, so I take off my jacket to do more active yoga. I have escaped The Gorilla: to beat traffic, be in nature, walk dogs, and pray is a very good way to start the day.
Time is ticking, so I turn to go. Hands in empty pockets, I discover I have dropped my cell phone that I carry for safety. Darn darn darn. I peer in the darkness at the sand and rocks around me. No luck. Going over my options, my morning full of good choices takes a turn for the worse: I can wait for enough light to see, or I can head home now, leaving my phone to sit in the rain all morning until I can come back to look again.
I decide to wait for the light. It always comes, right? More yoga. More sticks in the river. More light rain. No light. I swear to you, because I'm WAITING for the light so I can SEE what I'm missing - see what I've LOST... light does not to come. This is the longest pre-dawn ever.
So what to do? Really, there's nothing TO do, but walk and pray. I head down river simply because the path is wider in that direction. The rain comes down harder; I stumble; it remains dark. On and on I pray. The more I walk, the more people come to mind. I don't know exactly what is getting "solved" as I walk, but I begin to know that this is exactly how my morning is meant to be spent - in praying long and hard for others in the dark.
I call out the names of the many I know who struggle with depression. I lift up every person in our Make a Living, Have a Life groups, as each one so earnestly desires holy guidance for their life's work. Walking through the 3 feet tall stinging nettles along the riverbank, I pray for creation, for the migrations just beginning. I pray for good government ... for justice workers ...for my family... for my work mates... I giggle my prayers over our efforts to "get technical" on facebook, in blogging, and on our website - "Lord! Help us! We really prefer face to face small groups here! Show us how to do this!" And suddenly I'm laughing my prayers. The joy of prayer! The gift of walking in darkness, with nothing to do but turn it all to God. Repeatedly! I'm so wet! The dogs are so happy!
Ever so slightly, morning has come. It is grey, misty, and cool, and light enough to see. Heading back up hill I see my cell phone laying on the path, exactly where I took my jacket off, no worse for the wear. I think of writing this experience up and sharing it with you, as I head back to the car. I'm doubly glad for the happy ending of finding my phone, but really - the gift was in the darkness.
Call Questions:
What are your practices for dealing with an anxious mind?
How are you praying these days?
When it is dark out, internally, do you pray more, or less?
Who are your prayer companions?
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Call and Response
Tom Pender writes: When I first began participating in the Make a Living, Have a Life group, I wasn't sure what to expect. Conference calls with a group
of guys scattered across the country didn't seem like the kind of substantive support I needed during the dark days of a job search. As it turns out, these guys provided a network of support that has lasted well beyond our scheduled calls. Bonds have formed with people I may never meet but who have come to mean a great deal to me nevertheless. The only thing I can "do" for them in return is to be there for them.
But I can "do" something for Lumunos, and that is to help make these groups possible for others. By contributing a recurring monthly amount via credit card, I feel like I'm helping Lumunos to create the same support structure for
others. From time to time, we all need a little faith and light for the journey. Lumunos did that for me. Now I'm helping Lumunos do that for others - one month at a time.
Call and Response features diverse ways that people choose to financially support the ministry of Lumunos.
There are 3 ways you can contribute to Lumunos:
Call us at 1-800-245-7378
Give online at www.lumunos.org
Or send a check to Lumunos, 106 East Broad St, Ste B, Falls Church, VA 22046
Thank you for your generous support!
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Doug's Video Blog: Broken Arm Community
Friends, you know we are trying new formats to meet people where they are, to encourage more folks to live from call in their daily life and work. Above is the link to our Executive Director Doug Wysockey-Johnson's most recent endeavor - a video blog on community. Let us know what you think, and pass it along to your friends - your network - your community - - whatever the term is these days for the good folks you share your life with!
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