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"If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart."
~ Nelson Mandela
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"Every conflict we face in life is rich with positive and negative potential. It can be a source of inspiration, enlightenment, learning, transformation, and growth-or rage, fear, shame, entrapment, and resistance. The choice is not up to our opponents, but to us, and our willingness to face and work through them."
~ Kenneth Cloke
and Joan Goldsmith
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"...what may appear as the truth to one person will often appear as untruth to another person. But that need not worry the seeker. Where there is honest effort, it will be realized that what appeared to be different truths are like the countless and apparently different leaves of the same tree."
~ Gandhi
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"The conventional definition of management is getting work done through people, but real management is developing people through work."
~ Agha Hasan Abedi
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"I believe the real difference between success and failure in a corporation can be very often traced to the question of how well the organization brings out the great energies and talents of its people."
~ Thomas J. Watson, Jr.
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"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
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"It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen."
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes
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"To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well"
~ John Marshall
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"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. When we really listen to people there is an alternating current, and this recharges us so that we never get tired of each other. We are constantly being re-created."
~ Brenda Ueland
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"A good listener is a silent flatterer."
~ Proverb
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Greetings!
Welcome to the August, 2012 edition of Insights. I hope you will find this month's selection of articles interesting and thought-provoking, and that you will take from these words at least one thought or idea that you can use to bring about a positive change in some aspect of your personal or professional life. None of us lives in a vacuum. We all need to interact with other people all day long in order to accomplish our goals and desires in life, and for most of us this is precisely our focus. We generally devote little attention to the needs of other people except in relation to how fulfilling their needs may contribute to what we want. When we do focus on the needs of others, it is usually with the expectation that they will do something for us in return or vice-versa. This kind of contractual, interpersonal behavior clearly does work and is a common approach in social and business interactions. However, many successful men and women have learned that going beyond doing what is "expected" in a situation is a powerful way to leverage their abilities to influence the behavior of others in a very positive and productive way. Such people's personal interactions are oriented toward continually giving away something of perceived value without any obligation attached and enable them to accomplish extraordinary things in a relatively short period of time. There is a powerful quote by speaker and trainer Zig Ziglar that goes: You can have everything in life you want, if you
will just help other people get what they want.
The essence of this quote is that we can be more successful and happy in life if we look beyond what we need to do for others or what others expect us to do and focus on what another person needs and wants in life in general. This concept is generally referred to as the "Law of Reciprocity." This law says that people always try to pay you back for anything that you do, either to or for them. In a positive sense, it means that whenever you do something nice for another person, you create within that person a sense of obligation to do something nice in return. Of course we can't know specifically in all situations what others' innermost desires are, but we can often get a pretty good idea if we give them an opportunity to express themselves and actively listen to them. Additionally, all of us appreciate having nice things done for us voluntarily and we all generally value attributes such as respect, courtesy, kindness and compassion. A key premise of the Law of Reciprocity is that the more you give of yourself without expectation of return, the more you are likely to get back from the most unforeseen sources at the most unexpected times. Probably the most important aspect of this law is the fact that the payback from doing something nice for another person can be out of all proportion to the degree of the effort or expense that you put in. You can plant a little seed and get back an entire crop. As always, I would be very interested in receiving your feedback. |
 DEALING WITH INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT
 Most of us have to deal with interpersonal conflict in some area of our lives either personally or professionally. A conflict results when we have a perception that there is a threat to our needs, interests or concerns because of a personal disagreement with one or more other people. The critical word in this definition is the word "perceived" because the threat may not actually exist. We or others may only be imagining that it exists because of the way we are interpreting the information we are receiving, but even if our perception is not true, it nonetheless appears true and as a result creates issues which cause disharmony, frustration and stress which can severely limit our success and happiness.
Sometimes we are fortunate to have someone such as a friend, colleague or leader who is skilled in conflict resolution available to help us get through a difficult situation or perhaps we grew up in a family environment in which conflict resolution skills were modeled on a regular basis, but for the most part, we usually have to deal with conflict on our own. Here are some guidelines to make conflict resolution more simple and less stressful.
1. Actively Seek a Resolution
Sometimes a conflict resulting from a disagreement is not significantly important, and investing effort to resolve it, whether real or imagined, may actually exacerbate the conflict. In such a situation, it may often be better to simply ignore the conflict and move on. But if it is a significant issue, it is important to take action. Try not to postpone attempts at resolution out of fear of further increasing the conflict by provoking or aggravating others involved. If you are sincere and non-confrontational in your approach, your efforts will almost certainly be well-received and even appreciated. Remember that if you are engaged in a conflict, the others involved are most likely feeling threatened as well.
2. Become Aware of Your Feelings
An important component of conflict resolution involves only you; knowing how you feel and why you feel that way. It may seem your feelings should already be obvious to you, but this isn't always the case. Sometimes we feel angry or resentful, but don't really know why. Other times, we may feel that another person isn't acting like he or she should, but we aren't aware of exactly what we want from them, or we may not actually be interpreting their behavior correctly. Getting in touch with our own feelings, thoughts and expectations also makes us better able to communicate them to another person.
3. Listen Effectively
When it comes to successful conflict resolution, our listening skills are at least as important as how effectively we express ourselves. It's vital to understand the other person's perspective rather than just our own if we are to come to a resolution. Often in fact, just helping the other person feel heard and understood can go a long way toward the resolution of a conflict. Good listening also helps you to bridge the gap between you and the other person to better understand where the disconnect lies. Unfortunately, active listening is a skill that not everybody possesses. It's common for people to think they're listening, while in their heads they're actually formulating their next response, thinking to themselves how wrong the other person is and not really focusing on solving the problem. It's also common to be so defensive and entrenched in our own perspective that we literally can't hear the other person's point of view. (For more insights on listening skills, see this month's YOUR PERSUASIVE EDGE article)
4. Communicate Assertively
An important aspect of conflict resolution is to be able to communicate your feelings and needs clearly and directly. Saying the wrong thing or saying something in the wrong way can make a conflict worse. The important thing to remember is to say what's on your mind in a way that is clear, sincere and assertive, without being aggressive or putting the other person on the defensive. One effective conflict resolution strategy is to put things in terms of how you feel about the other person's position or opinion rather than stating why you think the other person is acting in a way to create the conflict.
5. Seek a Solution
Once you understand the other person's perspective, and he or she understands yours, it's time to find a resolution to the conflict that both of you can live with. Sometimes a simple and obvious answer surfaces once both of you understand each other better. In cases where the conflict is based on a misunderstanding or a lack of insight into another's point of view, a simple apology can often work wonders, and an open discussion can bring people closer together. Other times, there may be a little more work required. In cases where there's a conflict about an issue and you can't come to an agreement, you can both agree on a way to maintain your respective positions, but decide to implement specific measures or safeguards to ensure that the disagreement doesn't materialize into an overt conflict, such as by referring a conflict on a specific matter to someone else and then both agreeing to abide by that person's decision. The important thing is to come to an understanding and try to work things out in a way that's respectful to all involved.
Conflict can trigger strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.
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FROM PERFORMER TO SUPERVISOR
 In most organizations, individuals who are promoted to supervisory positions generally come up through the ranks. This is a good thing because it motivates employees to work hard to get ahead. Knowing that opportunity for advancement exists inspires many people to perform at their best with the expectation that they will be recognized for their work and be promoted to a position of higher responsibility. This is, in fact, the case in most organizations where proficiency in one's current position is the an important requirement for advancement to a management or supervisory position. Unfortunately however, in too many organizations it is the only factor that is considered in promoting individuals from being a top performer to managing other people.
What it Takes to Manage People
Possessing recognized technical expertise is obviously an important factor in managing others involved in a particular function, but it is not necessarily the only important factor. Being able to show people how they should do something is a critical factor for managers because it relates to the notion of competence. It is difficult for subordinates to support or respond to a manager they feel is lacking in necessary professional knowledge and skills. Effective managers continually model professional expertise.
Equally important, however, is a manager's ability to work with people to accomplish organizational objectives. This is not something that top producers instinctively understand. Managing people requires a set of people skills that are distinctly different and often unrelated to personal performance. The interpersonal skills required of an effective manager include those soft skills that are relevant in all personal interactions, but also specific abilities relating to motivating subordinates, providing effective performance feedback, demonstrating sincere value and appreciation for subordinates and providing appropriate rewards and recognition. Some estimates indicate that more than 90 percent of executive failures can be attributed to intrapersonal incompetency. Weak people skills may eventually lead to unhappy employees, and such a situation can cripple work ethic and severely diminish business results.
Frequently, managers who lack the necessary interpersonal skills to manage others resort to the authority vested in their management position and then simply dictate what should be done or how it should be done, usually with disastrous results. Position power by itself can cause a manager to be effective for a while, but it is difficult for anyone to be consistently effective relying on position power alone. At some point "the boss" needs to demonstrate a level of knowledge and skills appropriate to his or her position of authority. Additionally, people will not obey directives indefinitely unless the person giving orders demonstrates some emotional or intellectual connection with them.
view article: What is the source of your personal power?
Why Management Training Is So Important
Since technical expertise and people management skills go hand in-hand in effective management and since they don't naturally exist together, it is critically important that organizations assume the responsibility for providing their newly-promoted managers with the necessary management training to be successful in their new responsibilities. For management training to be effective, time and resources must be specifically devoted to it. It should not be a haphazard, random, hit-or-miss affair. Training should be well-planned out, competently delivered and specifically tailored to the targeted needs of each individual.
It has been estimated that at least 50% of new managers receive NO people management training before assuming a manager's role. Some go through some sort of process that is labeled as training, but usually involves little more than a familiarization with human resources personnel policies and procedures. If a person has not had previous management experience, it is absurd to believe that he or she will suddenly and miraculously become infused with people management skills simply by virtue of a promotion. An organization must invest time and resources to develop management skills without regard to the degree of success an employee enjoyed in his or her previous role if it truly wants to maximize the productivity of a new manager. Not doing so only sets a new manager up for failure.
Skills to Focus On
Developing a training curriculum for a new manager should focus on several key abilities. These may include, but not be limited to the following:
- Creating a clear understanding of the new manager's responsibilities
- Developing a clear understanding of the competencies expected of subordinates
- Becoming proficient in exhibiting effective interpersonal communication skills
- Developing effective listening and observation skills
- Developing effective coaching and mentoring skills
- Developing effective performance management skills
- Creating a motivational environment to inspire subordinates
- Developing a commitment to continual managerial skill development
This is not to imply that people management skills training should be a one-size-fits-all program. Certainly some aspects (communication skills, for example) should probably be included in training all managers, but other components might be better deployed on an as needed basis based on the results of skill assessments.
more on skill assessments.
Whatever the focus, it is important that an organization be clear about the objectives of any proposed management or leadership training program. Ultimately, senior management must ask the question: "What is it that we want to see performed differently from this person or group of people"' Only in this way it is possible to monitor the impact of training on individual performance and on a company's bottom line.
In today's business environment many organizations are actually cutting back on training initiatives. Yet more and more organizations admit that they need highly capable managers. Ninety percent of the respondents to a recent McKinsey Quarterly survey said that building managerial capabilities was a top-ten priority for their organizations. Only a quarter, though, said that their programs were effective at measurably improving performance, and only eight percent said they actually tracked their programs' return on investment. (This will be the focus of a future Insights article)
Related links:
making sense of management
training vs. development
Contact us for a free consultation about developing a management training program tailored to the needs of your organization.
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YOUR PERSUASIVE EDGE
People often associate the topic of persuasion primarily with the concept of selling, but the importance of effective persuasion skills really pertains to every one of us regardless of our individual vocation. Every day each of us is involved to some degree in influencing the thoughts and actions of others. In fact, the path to success in life lies to a very large extent in gaining the cooperation of others. In this edition of Insights, we continue with our ongoing segment dedicated to the topic of persuasion.
SEVEN POWERFUL TRAITS OF EFFECTIVE LISTENERS
 One of the key factors for successfully influencing the attitudes of others is developing strong interpersonal relationships through the implementation of effective listening skills. There have been volumes written about how to develop good listening skills, and sometimes it can feel like there is so much information out there that it's really hard to get a good grasp on some simple concepts that we can focus on, internalize and put into use in our daily personal interactions.
Experts tell us to use "active" listening, "I messages," and open-ended questions. Articles urge us to stop talking when another person speaks and instruct us on how to read body language to better understand what another is really saying. We've been told that men are from Mars and women are from Venus and given suggestions on how to translate the gender languages. Yet despite all this, developing good listening skills continues to be a challenge for some people. Developing effective listening skills is not something that can be quickly and completely learned by reading a book, taking a seminar or by reading this article. Becoming an effective listener requires repeated exposure to basic principle over time and continual practice. So toward that end, here are SEVEN POWERFUL TRAITS FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENERS that if consistently implemented, can make you a great listener and, consequently, an effective persuader.
1. Focus Complete Attention to the Speaker
Do not attempt to multi-task when someone is speaking to you. Don't fake listening by occasionally uttering 'uh-huh, right, sure,' etc. People will notice when you are distracted or not really paying attention. Don't continually look at your watch, or fidget. Effective listeners do not attend to other matters when they should be listening. If they do, they will miss picking up important information in the speaker's message and won't catch many of the nuances that it may contain.
2. Avoid Succumbing to the "I Can Top That" Syndrome
Don't try to steal the ball from the speaker. If someone says something like, "I can hardly wait to tell you about my trip to the Grand Canyon," don't chime in and start relating your experiences about the Grand Canyon. Stealing the speaker's thunder is not only rude, it also diminishes what the other person is trying to say which has the ultimate effect of diminishing the other person. What you are essentially saying when you do this is, "What I have to say is much more interesting and important than anything you may have to say." It turns people off and greatly diminishes your opportunity for persuasion.
3. Don't Change the Subject
Allow speakers to fully express themselves. When someone is talking with you, you should be mindful of the fact that what that person is saying is probably very important to him or her. Don't cut the speaker short. Instead, draw the speaker out by making relevant comments and asking appropriate questions. This conveys the impression that you sincerely care about what the other person is saying, and this contributes significantly to developing rapport. Even if you are in a conversation that may be totally uninteresting to you or may, perhaps even be making you a little nervous, let the other person speak his or her mind. This demonstrates compassion and empathy which help to create a positive emotional environment for effective persuasion.
4. Employ Nonverbal Skills
Effective listeners employ effective nonverbal skills to communicate that they are indeed listening. Ineffective listeners do not focus appropriately on nonverbal skills. They don't usually look like they're sincerely paying attention. They don't give much in the way of positive feedback like a nod or a smile. They slouch. They turn away. They allow their eyes to glaze over. Such behavior tends to make a speaker feel he or she is talking to a post. Speakers generally communicate with their entire body (voice intonation and body language) as well as with their words. An effective listener should do the same.
5. Listen with an Open Mind
Good listeners avoid the tendency to directly criticize or challenge the thoughts and ideas of others. Restrain yourself from using sarcasm or ridicule and resist the temptation to show how smart or informed you are. If you feel a speaker is saying something that is incorrect or silly, be respectful and tactful in your response. More important, if you must criticize or challenge another's position or opinion, focus your comments on what is being said, not on the person saying it. No one likes to be made to feel foolish, and it certainly doesn't motivate others to want to agree with you or want to cooperate with you.
6. Be Receptive and Accommodating
Remember that you want others to enjoy taking with you. Therefore, you want to make them as comfortable as possible in your presence. Smile when interacting with others and use a warm and friendly tone of voice. Say things such as "That interesting, tell me more about why you feel that way," or "I'm really glad you brought that up." Try to subtlety adapt you vocal tone and physical demeanor to that of the listener. This is often referred to as pacing. At the end of a conversation, you might want to say something like "I really enjoyed talking with you!"
7. Be Cautious in Offering Advice
Many listeners are quick to offer advice, even when it hasn't been asked for. They don't take the time to listen to the whole story or to offer quiet support. They usually mean well and genuinely want to help. However, it is important to understand that speakers are not always seeking your thoughtful solutions to their problem or situation. Often what they want is simply for you to understand where they are coming from and to empathize with them, or perhaps they are just looking for you to offer a vote of confidence that they can solve their own problems.
Like most habits, developing the traits of powerful listening takes time and commitment. But learning, perseverance, and practice will pay off. There are many websites and books that focus on how to develop effective listening skills. Get the information you need and give the issue your time and attention.
Ask us a question about Persuasiveness.
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| I hope you have enjoyed what you've read. As always, we value your thoughts and comments. Please feel free to:
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Pat Iannuzzi
Symbiont Performance Group |
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