Contrary to the rules of etiquette, the topic of politics and presidential debates came up at a recent dinner party. My 16 friends, of both political parties, responded with grunts of grumpiness. Listening, I noticed a pattern in the grousing, a focus on personality quirks rather than the process itself. "Maybe," I said, "the debate process itself is at fault." My buddies stared back blankly at me.
The Rut That Suffocates
I realized debates symbolize a systemic problem with how we judge communication. For example, our culture views debates as an effective presidential filter, yet debating is about polarizing opinion! It makes little sense; since the leader of the Free World's main job is to bring people together. As a communication tool, debates are woefully outdated.
What Enlightened Leaders Do
Great leadership galvanizes disparate opinion under a common banner. I just attended one of the most incredible memorial services ever at the stunning Commodore Perry Estate in Austin, Texas, where 300 or so friends gathered to honor our friend the architect, Renaissance man, and extraordinary leader Robert Floyd. Besides a bevy of other fantastic musicians, Lyle Lovett performed a special concert for the guests.
Robert was like that: He pulled people together and accomplished great things as a result. As we surveyed the guests, we appreciated how the diversity of people honoring him was extraordinary.
One, Two, Three: Everyone Loses
The relevance to your organization points in this direction: "Debates" represent all kind of outdated communication people in organizations fall back on.
Here's the kind of thing I mean: My client Lynn worried about an employee reporting to him. "It's always the same," Lynn said, "This guy, Sid, is great in so many ways; yet his people never perform quite up to par. It's always their fault. I get sick of hearing it." In the old communication paradigm, here's how it typically goes:
- Lynn listens to Sid's excuse-ridden explanations until he can't stand it,
- Gets angry or frustrated, and
- Goads Sid into something Lynn feels Sid should do.
Even though under this model Lynn "wins the debate," he strangles productivity. I can assure you, Sid finds another, more destructive outlet, for his underlying, unresolved issues as a team leader.
A New Groove and Improved Results
Today, Lynn is taking a different approach. He's using a planned process to communicate and resolve the issues. He's learning Heart-to-Heart Talks to help Sid work better.
Heart-to-Heart Talks are a set of tools that
- help you communicate difficult information for positive results,
- achieve positive resolution versus endless repetition of the same, and
- allow others to hear what you have to say without becoming defensive or shutting down.
You learn say what you mean without negative emotional subtext.
Heart-to-Heart eliminates blame, nagging, and denial of responsibility. It helps in situations where you feel overwhelmed and stuck. It is a quick process, doesn't drag on, or take "forever" to learn. People feel relief. The 800-pound elephant exits the room and clears the air.
Turning the Situation Around
As Lynn learns the basic techniques, one, two, three is quite different.
- Lynn structures his words differently
- Lynn's emotions are balanced, and
- Sid comes up with his own solutions that he can own.
Sid
sees how he contributes to his team's dysfunction. Sid accepts personal responsibility without blaming others - or getting angry with himself and shutting down. Sid is able to observe how he impacts others. He gains clarity about what action steps could turn the situation around and improves without defensiveness or anger. As Lynn summed it up, "This was something I didn't expect. I can benefit in all my communication from learning about this. The back and forth nature of the conversation really makes a difference."
I am passionate about improving communication! Heart-to-Heart Talks are one tool I share with clients to reach employees, their customers, and families in a positive, productive way. So much unnecessary strife and suffering can be eliminated. I encourage you to find out more, whether through me or other avenues. Learn to speak from an authentic heart.
On May 1 and May 15, I will be conducting a two-session Heart-to-Heart Talks teleseminar introducing key elements of Heart-to-Heart Talks and will be sending out an additional email next week with more details. Of course, I invite you to call and ask questions any time.
