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If Only ...
by Barbara Mencer
If ... such a tiny word, and yet very powerful.
I've actually decided I don't like it very much.
Well, I suppose the word "if" itself is harmless enough. We have to have a way to express conditionality. "If your toaster doesn't work, first make sure it's plugged in."
And dreamers and visionaries start with some form of if. "If you build it, they will come."
And "What if ... ?" is a great question to ask when you're dreaming up improvements to the way things are done.
"What if you could just talk to your phone, tell it what you want, and it responded?"
"What if we moved the oven closer to the grill so the chef didn't have to walk so far 50 times a night?"
No, on second thought, the word if is fine. I guess what I really don't like is, "If only ...
"If only I had more money ..."
"If only I could find Mr. Right ..."
"If only my job were more rewarding ..."
Hey, we all do it to some extent, wishing for some magical change in our circumstances that's gonna make us happy and fulfilled ... one that requires no real investment from us.
It's like winning the lottery. "Man, if I can just hit it big, all my problems would be solved and I'd be livin' the good life."
And yet, while I'm sure there are plenty of people who've won the lottery and gone on to a very pleasant, worry-free life of luxury, there are also lots of people who've hit the jackpot and they're still miserable. They just have another set of problems, because happiness comes from a decision to be happy. It doesn't come from having this or that.
Happiness comes from appreciating what you have and the delicious, joyful anticipation of having more and getting what you want. It doesn't come from establishing an if/then prerequisite for being happy.
"If I only had more money, then I'd be happy."
"If only I could find the right person, then I'd live happily ever after."
"If only I could find the right job, then I'd feel fulfilled."
If you go there, it makes you a slave to circumstance. You become dependent on things "turning out right" in order for you to be happy and fulfilled. It's a trap.
People get it backwards. They think they need to do something in order to have something in order to be happy. And, while they do in order to have in order to be, their lives pass by.
So, maybe you work at a corporate job (do) that you hate, so you can make enough money (have) to be able to retire, so that you can spend what little time you have left relaxing and enjoying life (be happy).
Of course, that's the more "responsible" version. When you say, "If only ..." you wish endlessly that you could just have something, so you could be happy. Forget the doing.
What if, instead of either of the strategies above, you just cut to the chase and made it your number one priority to enjoy your time? What if you came at life from the standpoint of appreciation of what you do have and joyful anticipation of what's coming, rather than complaint around the status quo and longing for what you don't have?
What if you were to just BE happy?
Warmest Regards,
Barbara | 
