Looking The Part

by Barbara Mencer

Okay, so I took the easy route ... and it came back to bite me.

I recently had speeches to give back-to-back to two different, yet related, groups of business owners.  One was at a formal dinner meeting.  The other was the next day at lunch. 

In the interests of traveling light, I decided to bring one very conservative business suit to speak in and just change blouses. 

Mistake.  The outfit worked okay for the evening meeting.  For the lunch session?  Not so much.

A woman came up to me after the lunch meeting and said how much she enjoyed the presentation.  She said I was a very dynamic speaker with a great message and she wished they had more speakers like me come to address their group.

I was feeling pretty good.

She went on to say that she hoped I wouldn't take offense, but that she was a stylist and in her opinion, my dull gray suit and lifeless black pumps didn't reflect who I was.  In fact, they seemed to be in direct contrast to my personality.

Ouch!  That hurt.  But she was right.  What I was wearing and the message I was sending with my outward appearance, didn't reflect the real me.  I was wearing a "costume."  It was something that fits in another world, a world in which I play, but which really isn't me at my core. 

Now, you might be thinking, "So what?  Big deal."  And you'd be right.  It isn't all that big a deal at a surface level.  So, I wore an inappropriate outfit.  The earth continues to spin.  But at a deeper level, it is a big deal.   

ANYTHING that could possibly get in the way of making a connection with the people in the audience, anything that could possibly get in the way of what I fully intend to be a life-altering message, becomes a very big deal to me.  And, although it was just an outfit we're talking about, I wasn't being genuine about who I am.  That simply does not work. 

In communication terms, my appearance was not congruent with my verbal message and the rest of my non-verbal behavior.  I didn't look the part and that may have undercut what I had to say.  I may not have seemed like one of them, and I may have lost some of them as the result.  And that hurts, because I am one of them! 

Have you ever done that to yourself?  Have you ever sent a conflicting message with your nonverbal behavior?

Maybe you behaved too casually in a formal setting or too formally in a more casual setting.  Maybe you failed to make eye contact with someone you were talking to about a serious subject, because you felt unsure of yourself and your message.  Perhaps you spoke too softly when you needed to be assertive or too loudly when you needed to convey calm and assurance. 

We all do it.  We all send mixed messages.  And you know what the people on the other end of the communication tend to pay the most attention to?  It isn't your words.  It's your nonverbal communication.  People know the eyes don't lie ... and they know people squirm when they're uncomfortable.  The list of visual and auditory clues that reveal what's going on inside your head and heart goes on and on.

So, my advice is to actively consider what "message" your nonverbal communication is sending to the people you speak to and interact with. 

Your nonverbal communication includes the way you look to people ... the clothes you wear, the way you groom yourself, the way you sit, stand, move, gesture ... your facial expression.  It includes the way you look at people as well ... eye contact. 

It also includes the way you sound ... tone of voice, the pace at which you speak, the energy and variety in your speech, the amount of time you pause vs. saying "uh," how forcefully you project your voice, how well and correctly you speak the language, etc.

There are a lot of nonverbal messages being sent every time you communicate, and they will either complement your spoken message or detract from it.

Carefully look at all these elements and consciously assess whether they're sending the message you want them to send or not ... and then change what isn't working.

As for me, I'm giving away my dull, ultra-conservative suits and adding more spice to my wardrobe with outfits that truly reflect who I am. 

 
Next time out, I want people to see the real me.

Best regards,

Barbara