The Platinum Rule

by Barbara Mencer 

The following is a true story. 

A litter of puppies was born on a family farm and the little boy from the next farm over wanted one of the puppies, and, having scraped and saved his pennies, asked the farmer if he could buy one. 

The little boy said that he had 39 cents and would that be enough? The farmer carefully counted out the pennies, smiled at the boy, and said yes that should be enough. 

He called for a farm hand to let the puppies out so the little boy could have his pick of the litter.  Four bouncy, fluffy puppies came scrambling out of the barn, jumping and tumbling all over the place.  The little boy watched them all, not sure which one was the right one for him.  The farmer pointed out this puppy and that puppy, but the boy wasn't sure. 

Just then, he noticed a fifth puppy coming out of the barn with a bad limp.  It was clear there was something wrong with the puppy's leg.  The little boy's face lit up and he declared that this was the puppy for him.  The farmer said, "But this puppy is lame. He won't be able to run with you or fetch.  Wouldn't you rather choose a healthy puppy?"  The little boy just shook his head.  The farmer tried again to convince the boy to choose one of the other puppies, but the boy just kept shaking his head. 

The farmer said, "I just don't understand why you'd want a lame puppy!" 

With that, the little boy pulled up his pants legs to reveal two prosthetic legs.  He said, "This puppy is just like me. We need each other." 

The farmer gave the little boy his puppy.

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It's hard to know what's going on in the heart and mind of another person. 
 
And yet, we think we know.  Really, we do.  We usually assume that they must be feeling and thinking pretty much the same thing we, ourselves, would be thinking and feeling if we were in the same situation.  We assume they'd want the same things we'd want and are motivated by the same things we're motivated by.

How do I know this?  Well, look at what has evolved as the ultimate standard of good behavior ... the golden rule.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

That's a wonderful way to live, but, dare I say it, it misses a key point.  Not everyone wants the same things. 

On a basic level, the golden rule works.  It's pretty safe to say we all want to be treated fairly and kindly, with respect and a spirit of goodwill.  Well, every "normal" person that is. 

But once you get beyond this simple common ground, there's a huge variation in likes and dislikes, wants and needs. 

Let's take an example from our training on the differences in personality type and behavioral styles.  For most extraverts, getting recognition in a public setting in front of a big crowd is a very cool thing.  Many introverts, on the other hand, might consider it embarrassing at best and a cruel form of torture at worst. 

So, the extravert employer who wants to recognize an employee's good performance on the job might end up doing exactly the wrong thing if she followed the dictates of the golden rule!  She might intend to reward via recognition, but instead, could very well end up embarrassing the person she intended to honor.  We've seen this happen many times.

Yikes.  So, what's the answer?  If the golden rule only takes us so far and doesn't account for individual differences, what are we supposed to do?  Is there anything that would work better?

How about The Platinum Rule?  It goes like this:

Do unto others as THEY would have you do unto them.

Think about that for a while.

And you know what?  Here's the profound part.  The only way to find out what others want is to ask and to listen and not assume we know.

Despite what we might presume to be the case, sometime the puppy who struggles to walk ... but does so anyway ... is just the companion a little boy needs.

Best Regards,
Barbara