God may reduce you
on Judgment Day
to tears of shame
reciting by heart
the poems you would
have written, had
your life been good
Yeah, had you not been such a loser. Had you just done more and actually lived up to your potential. Had you gotten it right. Had you been truly worthy. Had your life been good.
But why wait till you die to feel crappy about who you are and what you haven't done?
For some people, myself included, every day can become judgment day. And the verdict is usually that we didn't do enough, didn't do it well enough, and that we aren't worthy in some way or another.
This poem touched a couple of nerves. I sometimes feel as if I should be doing better ... should be further along ... should be this ... should be that. And that makes me feel bad. It makes me feel like I'm not okay somehow.
The second nerve it activated? An intense feeling that I don't want to touch that first nerve anymore! I don't want to feel that way. I want to feel good instead, so I choose to let the judgment thing go. It was self-imposed. It can be self-eliminated. Just like that. Poof. Gone.
It's funny. As a coach, I see a wide range of personalities. I see people who are pretty happy-go-lucky in their outlook toward life, and I see people who absolutely punish themselves for their perceived shortcomings and lack of accomplishment. I see some people who clearly aren't taking full advantage of their talents and energies and are perfectly fine with that, while really productive, accomplished people present themselves as practically worthless.
Most people are pretty hard on themselves, reflexively passing judgment of their personal worth based on what they've done or not done. It doesn't matter whether the accomplishment (or lack thereof) relates to some grand life plan or just their daily to do list. It's a simple formula. A certain level of accomplishment makes you good. Lack of accomplishment makes you a slug, subject to being "reduced to tears of shame."
Whoa. Self-flagellation is optional. You don't have to go there. You don't have to be hard on yourself. You can be okay with who you are and what you accomplish in life, whatever that is. You can choose to feel good about yourself rather than beating yourself up.
Give yourself a break!
Think things and do things that make you feel good. Don't dwell on disempowering thoughts that bring you down. And scratch off the list the things you don't really want to do, but think you "should."
Apply that to the holidays. It's supposed to be a time for fun, family, and spiritual reflection. And before you know it, it becomes a forced march as we try to get everything just right ... the whole Martha Stewart thing. We either get it all done ... too exhausted and cranky to enjoy the season ... or it doesn't get done and we feel as if we've fallen short.
I've always had this thing about holidays needing to look and unfold in a certain way ... just like they did in my BIG Italian family when I was growing up. Too often, I'd end up either stressed, disappointed, or both. This year, I chose to give that up. The big family Thanksgiving I had in mind fell through. I was hurt and disappointed. But I was more interested in feeling good than dwelling on it.
I consciously decided to create a lovely Thanksgiving for Tom and his 93 year old Mother. I chose to be truly grateful. To be truly grateful for these two people who I love dearly, gathered in my home where I can nurture them ... instead of thinking about the children and grandchildren who weren't there.
We had a wonderful day. My disappointment was allayed. And the notion that something was wrong drifted away. It was a holiday I'll always remember as loving and sweet.
Life isn't a contest. You have nothing to prove. You are plenty worthy. So go ahead and enjoy yourself!
Love,
Denise
