They say that the secret to communication is sincerity ... and once you learn to fake that, you've got it made.
I love that joke and it bothers me at the same time. I love it because it's funny. And it's funny because it's true! That's what so much of our public communication relies on ... fake sincerity.
It bothers me, because it's a pretty damning statement about who we are.
Now, I'm not suggesting that most people set out to deceive other people, although many clearly do. Most of the phoniness has more to do with the fact that we all wear "masks" and don't let others see through the veil to who we really are. That's not a criticism. It's just an observation on human nature.
Why do we do it? To protect ourselves and to get a result ... impress someone ... make a sale, etc.
But people know when you're not being authentic.
They sense it, picking up a vibe from the nonverbals we talked about last month. And when they know you're not being authentic, they don't let you into their world in a meaningful and deep way. And without that, our communication is mostly just chatter and a waste of time in my opinion. That's a tragedy.
So, my advice is simple. Be yourself. Be authentic. In a way, it's the easiest thing in the world to do, because you don't have to actually do anything. Looked at another way, it's the hardest thing to do, because you make yourself vulnerable. Who you really are, with all your deficiencies and weaknesses, is on display. Most people don't easily go there.
Maybe that's why I was shocked at how often my new doctor answered my questions with, "I don't know." He was being authentic. I wasn't used to that. But it made me trust him more and respect him more. And believe me, he knows more than ten normal doctors combined.
I relate to all this primarily as a speaker, someone who goes out to groups of people I've never met and talks about the deepest subjects you can imagine. And I can tell you I've learned that when I put on a mask, I don't make a connection. And when it becomes about me ... ooh, look at me ... aren't I smart? ... aren't I polished? ... don't I speak well? ... I fail to get my message across. And that's not acceptable, because my message is my reason for being.
It's a privilege to speak to people about their lives and their businesses. I have been given the power and the ability and the opportunity to carry an important message. And I can't let me get in the way. I have to get "out of my head" and into their world in order to serve people.
There's a paradox here. I talk about my life. I share my personal story. I give of myself, but the message isn't about me. The message can't be about me or it's of no real value.
I wanted so badly at first to be professional and polished. But whenever I would start to tell my personal story, 40 seconds into my talk, I would start to tear up in front of people.
