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 Talking to Children About Cancer
By: Jo Hayes, RN
A diagnosis of cancer can be frightening not only for you but also for your family. For families with young children and teens, these concerns may be even greater. Grandchildren are included. The first big challenge is what to tell them. Deciding not only how much details to give them, but also communicating in a way that they will understand. For families with children of varying ages, this will be different for each child.
Honesty is the best policy. Children tend to accept what they are told at face value and they believe what you tell them. So, they need to be told the truth in a straight forward, understandable manner. They pick up on what is happening around them or on unexpressed feelings so don't try to keep secrets.
As with adults, information demystifies cancer and helps children feel more in control. While children do not need to be privy to every detail, a flow of information will help them to know the reality. Their imagination can often run wild if they are not told what is going with their loved one. This imagination can be more frightening in cases.
It is important for children of any age to know:
- They did not cause the cancer. It is not their fault.
- You feel bad because of the illness or the treatments, not because of anything they have done.
- Cancer is not contagious.
- Not everyone with cancer dies. Be honest about your prognosis.
- It is ok to be upset or angry. Or feel nothing new at all.
- It is ok for them to continue their daily routine.
- It is ok to still have fun and to laugh.
- It helps to talk about it.
Adults we can help children cope by:
- Maintain the child's normal routine as much as possible.
- Let those key people in their life know. Teachers and coaches can provide extra support and understanding.
- Continue usual discipline. Children need boundaries and limits to feel secure.
- Find ways for the child to express themselves.
- Allow the child to have fun with you and with others. They should never be made to feel guilty.
- Ask children what they think. Listen more-Talk less.
- Allow them to help you. This allows them to feel some sense of control.
A cancer diagnosis may be the first family crisis your children have had to face. The way that you cope with the emotional and practical disruptions will influence how the children deal with them. Children often react more to how adults behave than to what they actually say. Children need reassurance that they are going to be okay no matter what happens. Do not talk about cancer all the time. Maintain as much normal dialog as possible. But be aware of changes and take your cues from the child. Many families find that this is a time when they are drawn closer together. | 
