Here's an interesting read: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg (2012). I am a big nerd when it comes to anything related to science (those of you who knew me in high school and college....I've come a long way since putting sticky notes over grody pictures in my textbook). This book is right up my alley. At first, I thought this was simply another Pavlovian discourse. But then the discussion turns from pleasure/reward to cravings. For example: we know that if we do something long enough with a reward, then we will anticipate the reward. Let's use video games as an example. Let's say your little one plays video games day in and day out. He creates a neurological pleasure circle: see a TV, desire to play, reward of playing the game. After this is established, every time he sees a TV, he will want to play, but when he isn't allowed to for whatever reason, his brain begins to crave it. Mood changes with cravings, such as depression/apathy/lethargy/etc. The book uses an example that many of us can relate to: sitting in a meeting and you hear your phone beep that you have a new email in your inbox. Your brain begins to anticipate the pleasure of opening the email, and if you are deprived of that pleasure, you get irritated and antsy (possibly even sneaking a peek of the email under the conference table!). So how do we break this cycle? Offer a distraction. Going back to the cell phone in a meeting, if you turn off the buzzer and hide the cell phone, you can work for hours and not be distracted by the intense desire to check email. The author states that before we can overpower the habit, we have to figure out which craving is driving the behavior. Also we need to acknowledge that stronger habits produce addiction reactions so that "wanting evolves into obsessive craving that can force our brains into autopilot, even in the face of strong disincentives, including loss of reputation, job, home, and family."
One point that is interesting is that a habit cannot be eradicated; rather it can be replaced. Once you have identified what the craving truly is (like the endorphin rush from eating certain foods; the pleasure derived from gaming; the cravings from cigarettes), then you can replace the routine. So the stimulant is stress at work, the reward is the calm feeling produced by cigarettes, so exchange the smoking for exercise and still produce the calm feeling.
So let's apply this to our household. We tend to believe that our kids just don't do anything....they don't help out, they don't take care of themselves, and they think mom and dad are going to do everything for them. Well if we ARE doing everything for them, buying everything for them, and not allowing them to take care of themselves, then of course they "just sit there." I think we should start with our own habit circle before we move on to the kids. I know that many people have a habit of just doing things for their kids because it's easier to just "do it yourself." So the habit circle is dirty kids' laundry; the routine is doing the laundry for our kids; the pleasure is that the laundry isn't all over the floor of our kids' rooms. However, there is a byproduct of this habit circle. We end up frustrated that our kids don't do what they are supposed to do. New habit circle: kids don't have clean clothes to wear; the routine is they do their own laundry because mom and dad aren't going to do it for them; the pleasure is that kids have clean clothes AND they took care of themselves. It might take a while, it might be a struggle, but as the author points out, the odds of success go up dramatically when you commit to the change as part of a group (FAMILY!).
We can apply this also to our kids' (and our own) spending habits. If we buy everything for our kids, why would they be motivated at all to learn how to save/give/spend? the author of the book applies habit change theory to the workplace, highlights how certain companies and entities have changed our habits to purchase their products (think Starbucks), how Tony Dungy applied habit change theory to football, and ... {Oh, I could go on, but perhaps you might just read the book}
Some other great books that help us understand how we learn, form responses, break habits, etc. -The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine -Synaptic Self: How Our Brains Become Who We Are by Joseph Ledoux |
