Last week, we described a process of self-discovery which should lead us to perfecting our midot, character traits.

How do we refine our middot?

The Baal Hatanya recommends meditating on ones deeds and where they stem from. Find a time to talk to Hashem, open yourself up to Him, let yourself feel regret and yearning to be nurtured only by his goodness, so that your character is directed towards where you want to go.

The Rambam's plan of action involves identifying your bad middot. Do a replay in your mind's eye, revisit the places you've been, be yourself, and see the gap between where you should be and where you are now. Then plan significant small concrete steps that will help you narrow the divide. You are a baal teshuva as soon as you start on the path to return, not when you finally succeed. Repentance itself draws you closer.

Another method is cheshbon hanefesh (self-introspection). You know the middah you need to work on. If you're aware of what doesn't work, don't try the same thing again. Read up on the problem, listen to a tape, speak to a mentor, and try to find a new approach. Deduce it to one sentence and then repeat it many times so that it becomes part of your self -conscious. At the end of the day, ask yourself, "Did I live up to the motto?" Divide a page in seven boxes for each day of the week. Mark off where you failed every day. If you do this conscientiously, you'll notice the marks dwindling because subconsciously we hate failing. Keep it up for a year so that it becomes a part of you. You can do this with a mentor who might recommend readings and offer guidance. You can also join a group. Members get together and select a mussar text to study that is relevant to a specific middah. Then a particular act of improvement is chosen for the week. Participants share their failures and victories. You're there to encourage each other, not to criticize.

A fourth and final method is hisbodedet and hisbonenut. Find time every day to think about who you are, what Hashem has given you, and how you can best use it. Speak to Hashem. The first few minutes will be difficult but push yourself to continue onward for at least five minutes, and it'll get easier. The more you open yourself to Him, the more He'll open up to you. The more freely you talk to Him, the more aware you'll become of Him throughout the day. This awareness will change you and in turn your middot, without you even knowing it.

Elul is a time of love. The King is in the field. He's close to us and we can ask Him for almost anything. However we cannot be forgiven by Hashem unless we ask forgiveness from the people we've wronged. Part of cheshbon hanefesh is recalling what's lacking in our relationship with others. The people we tend to treat worst are the people we're closest to. We must take note of what our patterns are and commit to change. Choosing what we want to be and clearing out the accumulated dross, is part of the process. Asking for forgiveness requires honesty. It means remembering the things we've done. Our goal is connection beyond the limitations of this world.

May it be a wondrous, uplifting, Elul.

In Hilchot Teshuva, the Rambam discusses the three segments of vidui (confession): admitting to the sin, regretting the sin, and committing not to sin again. In the first chapter, the Rambam mentions charata (regret) and then kabala al h'aatid (commitment). In the second chapter he mentions kabala al h'atid and then charata. Obviously both elements are necessary, but why is the order reversed?

The Gemara discusses two ways in which a person can be released from his vows, charata-regretand pesach-an opening. Pesach is based on miscalculation. The person wasn't aware of all the facts, miscalculated, and made a vow. Charata is when the person knew all the facts but couldn't control his emotions. He made a vow and now regrets it. Charata and pesach stem from two different parts of the human psyche, intellect and emotion. Logic helps us understand and come to conclusions. Emotions control and direct our actions. The struggle between what we know and feel is the conflict between the good and bad inclinations. Either the mind knows what's right and the heart pulls towards the reverse or the heart intuitively feels what's right and the mind comes to the wrong conclusions. Pesach is intellectual while charata is emotional. Sin can come from the heart or mind just as repentance can result from an emotional or logical awakening.

Sin is a disease of the soul. Illness indicates imbalance. Just as a physical illness has symptoms, so too does a spiritual sickness. Pain lets us know that we are ill and that we should address the dysfunction quickly. Guilt is a gift from Hashem. It's the pain of the soul signaling us to get back on track. It's Hashem telling us to fix ourselves.

The Torah describes the Jewish people's emotional reaction to chet ha'egel and chet meraglim, "Vayisablu"-They mourned. When a person realizes that he's failed spiritually, he reacts with depression, sadness, and disappointment. When he sees that he's tarnished his tzelem Elokim (spark of divinity), he mourns for his soul. Aveilut is a yearning to return to one's unblemished past. The Jews grieved because of their sins. They remembered the days when Hashem performed great miracles for them. They relived the giving of the Torah and the special bond they formed with their Master. They mourned the purity, the holiness and the closeness they once had. Now after the sin, they felt the loss of this closeness and purity.

Regret is a form of anger directed at oneself. This is supposed to lead to repentance. Teshuva driven by emotional pain requires focusing on the past. It's much like charata for a vow. This is why the Rambam mentions this teshuva in the first chapter. Many times a person doesn't have this emotional awakening. He doesn't know how sick he is. He struggles. His heart is full of desire and then his mind says no. This is teshuva of the intellect and it is more difficult than teshuva of the emotions. Emotional teshuva can happen quickly because the person is eager to escape the pain. Intellectual teshua is slower, because the mind has to overcome emotional proclivity to sin. It can take years, or a lifetime. Intellectual repentance is not a reaction to the past but rather an effort to get back on track for the future.

The mind and heart of a Jew are a receptacle for the Divine Presence as it says, "V'asu li mikdash v'shachanti b'sochom." Hashem assures us, "I will reside within each of you." We're not alone in the process of teshuva. We are partners with Hashem. May the awakening within our hearts and minds bring us to complete repentance.

Question:

Hachnasat orchim (welcoming guests) doesn't come easily to me. When people ask me for a favor my automatic reaction is refusal. How can I become a more giving person?

Answer:

Some people are extremely social. They dread being alone. You seem to be a person who has an inner life and enjoys order and control. Your middah is gevurah (restraint) rather than chesed (outpouring). Don't be hard on yourself. Gevurah is just as holy as chesed.

However the Maharal says gevurah is very easily corrupted, so you need to be careful. When you manifest your desire for restraint on other people, instead of using it on yourself, it gets distorted. Invite guests that need an invitation. Don't host people for the sake of company. Take your eyes off yourself and focus more on others. If you need thinking space, do it when people aren't around. If someone comes to you for a favor, treat it as an opportunity for self- development. Tell yourself, "This is how I'll build my chesed and become a more balanced person. This is how my gevurah will be tempered."

You have to learn to be more spontaneous and giving rather than disciplined and in control. When Hashem sends chesed your way he is really telling you to widen your borders. You're a person of restraint which is a holy middah. Use your self-control to perfect yourself, but be expansive and giving with others.