The Ohr Hachaim writes that all physical creations have both female and male aspects. This division implies that nothing is whole or perfect in this world. Hashem set up the world in a way that there are two forces that bring about change and growth. The male energy provides and gives forth and the female energy takes in and nurtures. Together there is possibility for something greater than both of them to come into existence.

If you're not married yet, it's Hashem's Providence. It doesn't mean you didn't make the wrong choices, but ultimately it's Hashem who brings things to perfection. There's no possibility of perfection without submission to Hashem's will. See the world for what it is, imperfect, and learn to live with it. Turn to Hashem. Ask him to help you perceive the potential of perfection in yourself, in the world, and in the people you meet. You don't have to justify imperfection but try to find the part that is perfect. You can learn from everyone you meet. Many people caught in the shidduch trap are bitter. You can redeem yourself by saying, "Who does Hashem want me to be at this moment?" Not, "What do I want?" If Hashem wants you to be compassionate and a seeker that's where you should go. Serve Hashem joyously as you learn more and become broader.

Don't put your life on hold. Only Hashem knows when you'll find your destined mate. Find things to do that will make you a more perfect person and the world a more perfect place. Take advantage of this free unfettered time to be there for others, to do chesed, and to learn in a way you won't be able to after you're married. It's a time for prayer. Come before Hashem with your emptiness and your imperfection and it will draw you closer to Him.

It seems to me that the one critical question in shidduchim should be, "Can I build with this person?" Is there enough commonality in values, personality, communication, background, and understanding? Nothing else is relevant. If people were focused on that, there would be better, more joyous marriages and less defensiveness and opposition. Of course you have to like and respect the person, but you have to be willing to build together. If that's there, go for it. Don't get tied up in externalities or flaws. The world is imperfect. Nothing is perfect. Only Hashem is, and our goal should be to move towards Him with faith, trust, and joy.

The Torah commands us, "Love your neighbor as yourself." If we keep in mind that we are all created in Hashem's image, respecting others will automatically follow.

Hillel Hazeken rephrased the mitzvah in its negative aspect, "What is hateful to you, do not do to others." We define Judaism by what we shouldn't do because it is more concrete and effective.

If self-love doesn't come naturally, a person is obligated for the sake of others and himself, to cultivate a sense of self-esteem. Make a simple assessment. Are you more likely to be a generous, forgiving, joyful, person when you feel good about yourself or when you don't?

The Torah specifically tells us to love "rei'acha"-your neighbor, those you come in close contact with, because our behavior isn't meant to be abstract. The Torah focuses on the actions of a commandment not the thoughts. The only way to be a virtuoso person is by performing good deeds. Intentions alone will not work.

The Rambam in Hilchot Deot lists many mitzvot related to loving ones neighbor. This includes redeeming captives, praising others, being careful with their money, and preserving their dignity. Just as you would not want to suffer homelessness, unemployment, or ill health, you should not wish it on others. If a person desires peace of mind, friends, security, and good health, he should want it for others and act in a way that allows others to have it.

The Sages give two reasons for the mitzva of hadlakat neirot (lighting Shabbat candles): kavod (honoring) Shabbat by ensuring that the house is properly illuminated and oneg (delighting in) Shabbat through kindling many lights. There is a disagreement among the commentators over which of the two is the actual reason. The Rambam maintains that both are applicable.

Can you use one candle to kindle the others or should you use a match? The B'eer Halacha says that it depends on the reason for the mitzva. If it's kavod, then one candle constitutes the mitzva and using something designated for a mitzvah for mundane purposes is improper. However if all the candles are for oneg, then they are all part of the mitzva and it's permitted. According to the Mishne Berurah, one may in fact kindle the lights with the first candle, but many still have the custom to use a match.

The Shulchan Aruch says that if the candles are for oneg, one must enjoy the lights. Ideally, they should be lit where the meal will be eaten. Therefore in a hotel where everyone lights together in an isolated area, it could be a bracha l'vatala (blessing in vain). To avoid this, one should turn on an electric light in the hotel room in honor of Shabbat and then recite the blessing on the candles in the designated area.

If a woman forgot to light one week, she must light an extra candle every week for the rest of her life. If it wasn't her fault, she doesn't need to. According to the Shulchan Aruch, one should light a minimum of two candles corresponding to zachor v'shomer (The two commandments of Shabbat). Some light seven candles signifying the seven days of the week. Others light ten candles corresponding to the ten commandments. Many light one candle for every child based on the verse, "Ki ner mitzvah v'Torah or."-A candle is like a mitzvah and Torah is a flame. After candle lighting, it is an auspicious time to pray for righteous children.

The mitzva of lighting Shabbat candles was given to women because they are the mainstay of the home. Additionally, Adam was called "oro shel olam"-the light of the world and when Chava caused him to sin, she extinguished his light. Women rectify this through hadlakat neirot. Men participate by preparing the wicks. If a wife cannot light, her husband should do so. There are those who are particular to light only with olive oil which produces a clear beautiful flame, but wax candles or other oils are also acceptable.

Many Halachic commentators including the Har Tzvi permit a woman to make a blessing on electric lights. R' Moshe Feinstein didn't encourage this. Rav Shlomo Zalman ruled that making a blessing on a battery operated lamp is better than on electric lights which are powered by the electric company. This is because any mitzva that is dependent on someone else's will, usually does not require a blessing.

The Gemara teaches that if a person cannot afford both Shabbat candles and Chanukah candles, he should buy Shabbat candles because it increases shalom bayit (marital harmony). Shabbat candles are lit in the house while Chanukah candles are lit outside. We lead busy lives accomplishing good deeds outside the house and inside the house. Ideally we should try to do both, but if there's tension between them, shalom bayit wins out. The Ramban rules that Shabbat candles are lit before Chanukah candles in keeping with the principle of tadir kodim (priority is given to a common mitzva). He maintains that candle lighting is part of kovod Shabbat. It's not a form of accepting Shabbat and one can light Chanuka candles afterwards. The Rosh agrees that Shabbat is accepted with Maariv. The Behag maintains that if you will only light one of the two, Shabbat comes first. Otherwise Chanuka candles should be kindled first because hadlakot neirot does brings in Shabbat.

The Maharam M'Rottenberg rules like the Behag however he suggests that one can make a tnai (condition) to defer Shabbat. The Kol Bo agrees but holds that the woman who lights the candles cannot make a tenai. The Rema says a woman can make a tnai when she lights, but the rest of the household accepts Shabbat with Maariv. The Mishna Berura agrees that a woman can make a tnai if she needs to, but it shouldn't be used flippantly in keeping with the opinion of the Behag. He further notes that a woman should be careful to pray Mincha before lighting candles as it is improper for her to daven a weekday prayer once she has accepted Shabbat. The Rema writes that if a man lights candles, he doesn't accept Shabbat, although the Mishne Berura still maintains that he should make a tenai.

Question:

If tzniut (modesty) means not attracting attention, how can one dress modestly in a place where most people are not doing so? Won't this draw people's attention?

Answer:  

The point of modesty is not only blending into the background but appearing dignified. Self-respect comes from within. Tzniut means projecting a polished, gracious, image so that your inner self is your defined self.

In Manhattan you could dress quite modestly without being conspicuous. You won't be on the cutting edge, which is a lot shorter and tighter than tzniut allows, but will shorter and tighter make you look more dignified? Is that what the soul finds comfortable as its outer expression? Of course being fully clothed on a hot summer day in a non -Jewish city is conspicuous, but not more so than a Yeshiva student sporting tzizit on a plane or an observant Jew wearing a kippa in a secular workplace. This sort of sticking out is a statement of who you are and what you stand for and it's commendable.

In a small Jewish community, people expect a Rebbetzin to look like one. If you're a Beit Yaakov graduate, even if you're seventeen, you're a Rebbetzin in their eyes. As Rav Hirsh would put it, wherever you are you have to make a Kiddush Hashem. See yourself as a lamplighter. You have the power to open up new possibilities for them without saying a word. If it is what they need to see, they'll eventually want it on their own.