In Parshat Shelach the Torah commands us to attach white strings and a blue purple techeilet string to our tzizit garments. Why are there two different colors? The Gemara in Sotah notes that the mitzvah of tzizit stems from an episode in Sefer Bereishit. After Avraham won the battle with the four and five kings, the king of Sedom begged him to take some of the spoils of war.  Avraham responded, "I will not even take a thread or a shoelace, nor anything else that is yours." Chazal point out that in the merit of Avraham's refusal, the Jewish people were given the mitzvoth of tefilin and tzizit. What is the connection?

The Shem Mishmuel posits that Avraham would not touch the booty of Sedom because it was spiritually contaminated. The people of Sedom were so wicked that everything they owned was impure. Avraham refused to benefit from wealth acquired through evil doings, although he was rightfully entitled to it, and it was halachically permitted. Similarly Yaakov ordered that the idols of Shechem be destroyed after his children acquired with the spoils of war. Although they could have been purified through a process of nullification, they were spiritually contaminated and Yaakov wanted nothing to do with them.

At times, we too may face such temptations. For example, it is legally and halachically permitted to purchase a stolen item if the original owner has despaired of ever finding it again. However following in the footsteps of Avraham would require us to keep away from it because it is spiritually contaminated. Likewise wicked people pollute their environment. Therefore it is crucial for our own spiritual wellbeing and for our children's chinuch to make every effort to live in a strong Jewish community. Being sensitive to spiritual influences also means being careful about what comes into our homes. Books, tapes, and CD's that do not reflect Jewish values should be banned from our mikdash me'at.

Because Avraham was so sensitive to yirat Hashem, he refused the treasures of Sedom. This requires purity of spirit. Likewise, the mitzvot of tefilin and the techeilet of tzizit necessitate sanctity and signify fear of Hashem. In fact the halacha requires that a person wearing tefilin think only pure thoughts. Similarly the blue-green color of techeilet represents the sea and the sky. It is meant to arouse us to think about Hashem's throne in heaven. This in turn will engender yirat Hashem within us.   

The halacha stipulates that the white strings should be attached first and then the blue strings. There are seven white strings and one blue string. The techeilit blue string must be wrapped around the white strings similar to a shoelace which keeps a shoe intact. White symbolizes chesed and ahavat Hashem while blue represents din and yirat Hashem. Just as Avraham who signified chesed, preceded Yitzchak who embodied gevurah, we too must raise our children with an abundance of love and some discipline. Hashem's chesed and kindness fills the world. When we shower our children with love we are following in His ways. Yet yirat Hashem plays a central role in acquiring Torah too. Just as we must serve Hashem with both ahavah and yirah, children need love sandwiched with discipline.

If we are careful to keep our homes and hearts pure and we work hard to create an atmosphere of love and restraint we will raise happy, healthy, children who will grow to be staunch and proud Jews.

Shalom is the key to putting the fragmented puzzle pieces of this world together again.  The Torah tells us to actively pursue peace because it completes everything including our own piece of the puzzle. A Jew's purpose is to be mashlim (to make whole) everything he encounters.  If you are about to eat a pear, say the bracha with kavanah. If you meet someone you don't know, realize that Hashem engineered the meeting. Get acquainted with the person. In this way you will be fitting the puzzle pieces of you and him together.

The deeper we feel that there is a lack, the more intuitively we try to fill it. The more aware we are of our incompletion, the more we will proactively pursue wholeness. Pursuing peace means giving of ourselves to others in a generous and unstinting way, so they become a part of us. Shalom requires us to look for opportunities to give of ourselves so that we can make wholeness happen. Say hello to the woman in line after you at the supermarket. Treat people who serve you with respect and dignity. Express appreciation and be generous with praise and compliments.

People are naturally drawn to completion and closure. This explains the insatiable desire people have to vicariously experience the resolution of  life-struggles through literature, drama, and film. We enjoy the experience of closure when everything finally comes together at the end.  Similarly, when we plant a seed, it develops and grows and only rests when it is fully complete. So too there's a growth impulse inside each of us which says, "Complete yourself."

Shalom has unifying power. If a person doesn't return someone's shalom greeting, he's robbed the other person of the opportunity to feel whole and connected with him. To become part of a greater whole we have to pursue peace. However we cannot be everyone's best friend, nor is it necessarily a desirable goal. Friends influence us greatly and we need to be selective.  There's a difference between offering something of yourself to someone and sharing your intimate secrets. You can be discerning, yet kind and giving. When each piece of the puzzle maintains its own integrity, the puzzle is complete.

Doing chesed-tapping in to our Elokut so that it pours forth to others, is the idealized way to make peace. Pursuing shalom means wanting to make everyone more whole, by giving of ourselves. It does not mean acknowledging our integrity and the other person's integrity to the point of having no borders. There are times to give freely, times to withdraw, and times to leave things as they are.  

May we reach perfect sheleimut in our quest to become true lovers of peace.

What constitutes ownership in Jewish law?  At what point is there a transfer of possession from seller to buyer?  

Every transaction has several stages. The first is the final decision to buy, the second is when the buyer and seller come to a verbal agreement, and the third stage is paying for the item. The overriding rule in what causes a transfer of ownership is gemirat daat-a final decision that the buyer and seller will now proceed with the transaction.

Asking and comparing prices does not create an obligation to buy.  However, once the buyer makes a positive decision to purchase the item, our Sages say those who fear Hashem should stay true to their thoughts. Beit din will not take a stand if the buyer retracts at this point. However the next stage, when a verbal agreement is formed, creates an obligation. The Sages term buyers or sellers who retract at this level "mechusrai emunah"-unfaithful people. Beit din cannot force the buyer or the seller to keep his agreement, but the one who retracts is called a rasha and beit din will attempt to make him keep his word. If there is a fear of loss involved, then either of the parties may renege on the agreement

There is an argument in the Shulchan Aruch and other Poskim whether a change in a situation allows a buyer or seller to go back on his word. The Shulchan Aruch rules that it makes no difference and each party must stand by his word. The Rema agrees with this. If either the buyer or seller dies, according to some opinions, his heirs should keep the agreement.

According to the Chasam Sofer, a change in a situation may allow a person to go back on an agreement but it does not apply to every change. Indeed Rav Wosner rules that one may nullify an agreement due to a significant change but not because of a small change. Overcharging 1/6^th more than the market value, nullifies a sale. If it is less than 1/6 it is valid. If it is exactly 1/6, one must return the 1/6^th and the agreement remains valid. The same holds true for the seller. If he finds out that he can now sell an item for 1/6^th more he may go back on the agreement. If it is less than 1/6 he cannot.

Once an agreement is reached and it is written down and signed, there is an obligation to supply the goods and pay. A signature is considered a kinyan and obligates both the buyer and the seller. It is considered more severe than mechsurei emunah.

What happens if you make a verbal agreement with two people simultaneously? The stigma of mechsurei emunah can be removed by appeasing one side verbally or monetarily. You can sell to the second and appease the first or visa versa.

Giving a gift also depends on gemirat daat. Telling someone you will give a gift doesn't create a transfer of ownership.  A small gift creates an obligation. Offering a large gift doesn't create an obligation because the listener does not believe you anyway. A rich uncle who promises his nephew a bike must stand by his word. On the other hand if he promises him a car, there is no obligation. A poor uncle who promises a bike is not obligated.  However if he promises him a small gift such as a book, he must keep his word.

A decision to give to charity involves no change of ownership. However according to some Poskim, a final thought creates an obligation akin to a vow and beit din can force someone to keep it. Other Poskim disagree and maintain that thoughts do not create a vow.  All opinions hold that a verbal donation is a vow. Generally children cannot be forced to keep their parent's vows to charity but it is fitting that they should.  If after a vow was made, the situation changes, the obligation can be nullified.  If you pledge tzedakah on the condition that someone will survive, and he does not, there is no obligation to honor the pledge. If you say, "In order that he should live," one must follow through with the donation. The same way a debtor must pay his debts, one must keep one's charity obligations even when it becomes financially difficult.

The Shulchan Aruch rules that one should not take charity from a married woman because she may not have her husband's permission. Poskim today rule differently since times have changed and woman are more in charge of the home.

In the diamond exchange, a verbal agreement usually finalizes a transaction and the buyer and seller wish each other mazel u'bracha. In Jewish law, this is considered a final agreement and a transfer of ownership.   

Question:

How do I balance listening to lashon hora with developing a deep and meaningful relationship with my teenage daughter?  Are there different rules when dealing with teenagers who need to be able to talk freely in order to understand themselves and their circle of friends?    

Answer:

If you care about someone, you want to give them what's best for them. If you had a brilliant child who wanted to become a doctor, you'd do whatever you could to get him through medical school. If you had a special needs child who required extra intervention, you'd surmount all obstacles to help him progress. Your daughter desperately needs to learn how to differentiate between actual lashon hara and  lashon hara l'toelet, and how to developing a positive eye. As her mother, you are responsible to guide her.

Some people have the illusion that if they confide in their spouse they are drawing closer. In fact they are doing quite the opposite, notes the Chofetz Chaim, because their relationship is based on the common desire to tear people down. If you don't set your daughter straight now and she continues analyzing and discussing people endlessly, the day may come when you'll be the bull's eye. She'll be talking about you in a way she's been talking with you all along about others.

The first step would be to gently get her to focus on what is unique, special, and precious, in every person. The next step would be to steer her to look for constructive solutions to her social problems. The final stage would be to have her come to these conclusions on her own. This will change your relationship with her in a very pivotal way. It will now be based on the common goal of finding resolutions and developing positivity rather than constantly putting others down.