A teacher in a Sunday school class once asked her students a question, "What does God teach us about relationships between a man and a woman in marriage? A little boy raised his hand and said out loud, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Sadly, this is often the perception that many have about marriage. It is many times viewed circumspectively as a relationship that is filled with unavoidable affliction, hurt and unfaithfulness. It amazes me just how many people seek the advice of Hollywood celebrities on the issue of relationships. I hope you are not looking towards the celebrity culture for tips on how to have a successful marriage. They can't keep a relationship longer than the script they are working on for a movie; much less keep a marriage for any length of time that would validate them as a true example to follow.
Have you ever noticed like I have the newsstands that glorify the immorality of Hollywood stars by constantly boasting on the front cover of their magazines the latest "Hook-up or Break-up's" among these stars? Seems that if one would want a lasting marriage they would seek the advice of the One who designed what a real relationship really looks like; rather than those demonstrating lose morals and unfaithful tendencies that change partners like we change our clothes each day. For these people, divorce is common and an expected part of every relationship that exists. I wished we could take the word "Divorce" and scratch it from our vocabulary; but of course it is a reality that our culture is not ashamed to openly boast in. Personally, I believe wedlock ought to be much like a pad-lock. We should want to lock down with our partner in marriage for a lifetime without alternatives. This is God's worldview for a marriage; and this is why we need to take our time to find that right person that He leads us to. I believe if you are single... God has someone very special just for you if that is in His plans concerning your future.
I know when you are single life can get very lonely for some. It is here that we often think to ourselves when is that "right" person going to come into my life? You think if I could only be married I would be so happy. Well, that is not always the case consider this bit of humor that is true for so many who have wrong perspectives of how they view a marriage: "Marriage is like flies on a screen door. Those on the outside want to get in and those on the inside want to get out." I realize there are advantages to being married rather than being single. I would much rather be married than be single personally. But at the same time when you are single there are other advantages that marriages hinder. What I mean by this is there is a certain mobility that you don't have when you are married.
1 Corinthians 7:27-35 (MSG)
27 Are you married? Stay married. Are you unmarried? Don't get married.
28 But there's certainly no sin in getting married, whether you're a virgin or not. All I am saying is that when you marry, you take on additional stress in an already stressful time, and I want to spare you if possible.
29 I do want to point out, friends, that time is of the essence. There is no time to waste, so don't complicate your lives unnecessarily. Keep it simple-in marriage,
30 grief, joy, whatever. Even in ordinary things-your daily routines of shopping, and so on.
31 Deal as sparingly as possible with the things the world thrusts on you. This world as you see it is on its way out.
32 I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you're unmarried, you're free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master.
33 Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse,
34 leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God.
35 I'm trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.
Paul is not being critical of a man and woman nurturing their marriage in this passage nor is he saying that getting married should be avoided. He is simply pointing out that to be single there can be a complete devotion without certain marital requirements getting in the way of your full devotion to God. Ladies...no man can meet every need in your life; only God can do that. Men...no woman can ever fulfill your desires and needs in life; only God can do that. Have you ever noticed how little girls dream of being a princess? They love to dress up like one. There is something longing in her little heart that is longing for her prince. Sadly though, many end up hurrying the process and marry a toad.
So, if you are single and looking for a mate there is one survey that found some interesting choices in the ideal partner. Here is the order of what was most sought after in an ideal candidate for marriage in this particular survey:
- Beauty
- Brains
- Disposable cash
No one mentioned anything about inner qualities or spirituality. However, the bible teaches that we need to concentrate on developing our inner beauty. Outward beauty fades...so developing in Christ-like virtue should be what we work towards. Study these passages of Scripture and you will get the idea.
Proverbs 31:10 (HCSB)
10 Who can find a capable wife? She is far more precious than jewels.
1 Peter 3:3-4 (MSG)
3 What matters is not your outer appearance-the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes-
4 but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.
Ladies, guys will be very attractive to true inner beauty because they have seen very little of this in women in today's culture. Women today will often throw themselves to the dogs in hopes that one of them will rescue them and take care of them forever. Yet, little is appreciated for very long that does not have a sense of value for itself. Cheapness is easily discarded because it holds no value to the beholder. Here is some advice for you ladies and the guys. Don't hook up with a non-believer.
2 Corinthians 6:14 (KJV)
14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
God's Word is instructing us to look for someone that is godlier than we are. Don't do what they call missionary dating. Don't ever take it as face value just because someone says they are a Christian either. Everyone says that. Look for the fruit. Time is your friend when it comes to choosing your mate. Don't get in a hurry!
Truth About Marriage and Divorce...
Matthew 5:31-32 (HCSB)
31 "It was also said, Whoever divorces his wife must give her a written notice of divorce.
32 But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 19:3-9 (HCSB)
3 Some Pharisees approached Him to test Him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife on any grounds?"
4 "Haven't you read," He replied, "that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female,
5 and He also said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, man must not separate."
7 "Why then," they asked Him, "did Moses command [us] to give divorce papers and to send her away?"
8 He told them, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts. But it was not like that from the beginning.
9 And I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
I once heard it told that Eve suspected Adam of having an affair with other women in the garden. Whereas Adam replied, "Now Eve, you're the only woman in the world how could I ever have an affair with another woman?" However, the next morning Adam was awakened by Eve poking up and down his side. To which Adam responded, "What are you doing?" Eve replied, "I'm counting your ribs." This is in the bible...well not really! Consider something with me here: Adam and Eve were placed in the ideal situation. Eve would never have to be compared to Adam's mother or her cooking; and Adam would never have to hear about all the other men she could have married.
The purpose of a man and woman in a marriage is to "Leave and Cleave." I have actually met people who have not gotten this basic premise of marriage down to leave and cleave. The word "cleave" means to: glue or cling; sever and bond; loosen and secure; depart from and attach to; therefore, marriage begins with the leaving of all other relationships in order to establish their own family. This is obviously implied in Scripture that a couple's closest relationship that being their parents of course must be severed to start afresh a new family; how much more should they leave all other relationships as well? It's true, that you are still a son or a daughter to your parents; you're still a sibling. But now a new family has started and you are a husband or a wife and your primary commitments should be to each other without the interference of loved ones and close friends.
I'm reminded of the story of this guy who couldn't find a wife that his mother would approve. He would bring home one girl after another but his mother always found something wrong with each of them. So, finally he finds a woman who looked exactly like his mother, walked like his mother, talked like his mother, and even dressed like his mother...and then his father didn't like her. I know right? Two people who marry need to become one flesh without everyone else's intrusions of what they want in that couples mate. There have been scores of marriages dissolved by such family meddling that separated loved ones. God hates divorce and He tells us that He does...
Malachi 2:14-16 (NLT)
14 You cry out, "Why doesn't the Lord accept my worship?" I'll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.
15 Didn't the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth.
16 "For I hate divorce!" says the Lord, the God of Israel. "To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the Lord of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife."
- Let's look at that word - Companion: This is "the one you are united in thoughts, goals, plans and efforts." Are you united with your spouse in that way?" Ladies your husband should be your best friend; and gentlemen your wife should be your best friend...leave and cleave! You are not forced together, you are holding on to each other by choice; that's the idea here.
One way to maintain this is through good communication. A survey was done among divorce couples and they were asked why their marriages failed:
80% said there was deficient communication
Consider this: experts say a woman speaks some 50,000 words in a day. I believe this because I have witnessed it first hand. Men however, supposedly speak half that much around 25,000 words. Just watch how women converse. It's like a stream of consciousness being articulated flawlessly. They are talking, talking, talking; and the amazing part is they understand one another as they connect at all these different levels of communicating to each other. Whereas guys say things like: How you doing? Good. So what's up? Nothing...I mean this is why we only have 25,000 words. So, women are more communicative; they are more in-depth in this area. Men have a problem because we don't say it as much as we often feel it. But don't think we aren't feeling it; we just don't express ourselves as well. Husbands how long has it been since you just told your wife that you love her? How long has it been since you simply gave her a hug?
This brings to mind another story I heard about a man and his wife who went for counseling with their pastor. The pastor spent a few sessions with this couple and after asking a great deal of questions he told them I think I have figured out what the problem is in your marriage. So, he get's up out of his chair and walks over to the man's wife and gave her a big hug; and turned to her husband and told him, "Sir, this is what your wife needs every single day." The husband looked at the pastor for a moment and said, "So, what time do you want me to bring her here tomorrow?" Yeah...he missed the point!
What about the subject of divorce? When is it permissible or is it? What is the number one reason cited of why people get a divorce? Irreconcilable differences!!! This is the most ridiculous of all excuses. Everyone has irreconcilable differences.
- My wife and I have had them for nearly 32 years of marriage.
- She leaves everything in the car and I try and keep it cleaned out.
- She's constantly losing things and I'm constantly looking for them!
- She like's the toilet seat down and I like it up! I'm working on it.
Isn't it strange that the very things that once attracted you to your spouse are now the things that divide you? What did you like about them in the first place? Because they were different than you! She was outgoing and talkative and you were more quiet and reserve; he's more this and your more that! You loved that about each other, but now it's driving you crazy, right? I can't handle this anymore. It's an irreconcilable difference! What! Sometimes you have to conclude to yourself that this isn't going to change about my spouse, but I'm going to love them anyway. Every relationship is reconcilable if both people really want it to be. PLEASE NOTE: The bible doesn't recognize irreconcilable differences as a way out of a marriage.
Let's look at how in the bible days just how relaxed their position was on the subject of divorce. It mostly favored the men for sure. One rabbi was noted as calling it:
- Incompatibility of temperament. That sounds like irreconcilable differences doesn't it?
- Burning his meal or embarrassing him in front of his friends was a lawful reason for divorcing your wife.
- A man could divorce his wife if he saw a beautiful woman walk by that he liked.
This was the absurd kind of things that were being used to give a woman a letter of divorce to which was prevalent when this question was posed to Jesus. It was given more to protect the woman from such idiocies of their husbands.
Matthew 19:7-10 (HCSB)
7 "Why then," they asked Him, "did Moses command [us] to give divorce papers and to send her away?"
8 He told them, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because of the hardness of your hearts. But it was not like that from the beginning.
9 And I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
10 His disciples said to Him, "If the relationship of a man with his wife is like this, it's better not to marry!"
Let's get this perfectly straight from the dialog being discussed here in this passage: Moses didn't command it as they said he did...notice how Jesus corrected them and said Moses permitted it because of the hardness of their hearts! However, there is an out according to Scripture that allows a person to end a marriage. When is divorce allowed?
- When there is sexual immorality. It's not commanded...but it's allowed.
Matthew 19:9 (HCSB)
9 And I tell you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
If we look back to the Sermon on the Mount we read Jesus' worldview on this particular subject about divorce:
Matthew 5:32 (HCSB)
32 But I tell you, everyone who divorces his wife, except in a case of sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery. And whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Ok, so what is sexual immorality according to God's perspective? It comes from the Greek word: pornea. This is where we get our English word, pornographic. It speaks of extra-marital relations. Including but not limited to:
- The so called affair.
- Incest.
- Prostitution.
- Homosexuality, to name a few.
Why is sexual immorality a deal breaker in a marriage? It is because the oneness in the marriage is violated. The apostle Paul even taught that when you do this you have become one with a prostitute. Having said this, it does not mean you have to get a divorce if immorality has taken place. I believe the Scriptures teach every effort ought to be made to restore the marriage. In addition, sexual immorality is not only grounds for divorce as Scripture reveals to us; it's also grounds for forgiveness as well. We should try to save the marriage if at all possible. Look at something else that Scripture points out as permitting a person the grounds for divorcing their spouse.
- Desertion: is another out for divorce.
1 Corinthians 7:13-15 (HCSB)
13 Also, if any woman has an unbelieving husband, and he is willing to live with her, she must not leave her husband.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the Christian husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or a sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to peace.
Sometimes Christians will marry an unbeliever when they know full well that they are commanded in God's Word to not be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. Yet, many believers will bring upon themselves unnecessary problems by neglecting this very command of the Lord. Therefore, our second condition that may arise should an unbelieving spouse wish to leave or abandon the person who is a believer, that believer is not held to remain within that relationship if they choose not to base on the desire of the unbelieving spouse that chooses to leave. The point here is, do not marry outside of your faith in Christ Jesus, period! The bible goes on to say that a person who doesn't provide for their family is worse than an unbeliever.
Therefore, if an unbelieving spouse abandons their mate who is a believer, the believing spouse will not be guilty of being disobedient to the word of God if the marriage ends up in divorce. Jesus taught on these difficult issues regarding His worldview on the topics of marriage, divorce and being single in His Sermon on the Mount. Sadly though, our culture promotes its own rules for marriage, divorce and what it is to be single. This culture agrees that everyone do whatever they feel will make them happy, so they do with grave consequences. I pray you will go to God's Manual for the true answers concerning marriage, divorce and singleness. Failing to do so could prove fatal to your happiness and relationship with God.
