These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."  

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."   "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr  

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill  

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow  

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner   

(about Ernest Hemingway).  

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas  

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain  

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde  

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.  

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop   "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright  

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb  

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson  

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating  

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker  

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain  

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde  

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)  

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder  

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

*IF YOU HAVE A JOKE YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE, please e-mail to me at [email protected] Put JOKE in the subject line.