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The Heroic Journal
Living A Resilient Life | |
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Welcome to the March edition of The Heroic Journal. If this is your first time to joins us, archives of previous journals may be found at www.theomnibuscenter.com
This double edition looks at the pivotal journeys of Jim "Call Me Jim" Williams and J.D. Hollis. Although their paths seem quite different, these strangers are similar in the progression they went through after a tragedy which changed the trajectory of their lives. Now they share the passion of being of service to others. Both Jim and J.D.experienced The Call, The Crossing, the transformation of the Initiation and The Return.
Jim and Carol Williams lost their nineteen year old son, Curt, in a drunk driving incident. Through this enormous loss, Jim found his life calling.
In another time and place, role model and star athlete J.D. Hollis, was driving drunk with his best friend Marc when he lost control of the vehicle, killing Marc. Through a difficult time of retribution and healing, J.D. found his life calling. Different circumstances. Transformation and service. Their stories are below.
In the coming months, we are honored to have many stories of resilience. Coming soon:
Author & Motivational Speaker, Brian McAllister - "Full Recovery: Addiction, Inspiration and Abundance"
Carl Calabro - "Healing, Recovery and Miracles: From Alcoholism, Bipolar Disorder to Commitment to Service"
"Ponderings: Living the Yes"
"Finding Life After the Holocaust"
"Full Recovery: Addiction, Inspiration & Abundance" - Brian McAllister
"The Power of the Work Team: Supporting One Another To Reach the Pinnacle"
"The Journey to Self Through Abuse and Divorce"
" An Adventure Into the Alaskan Wilderness in 1953" - Author & Adventurer, Harriet Walker
"From Sharecropper's Son to the Fortune 500: A Story About Jim Clayton"
"The 20% Cancer Thriver"
If you wish to read other resilient stories, the archives of The Heroic Journal may be found at www.theomnibuscenter.com |
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Adversity and The Making of Character |
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Submitted by Jim Williams
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There are several key character traits that we hope and pray our children will exhibit by the time they graduate from high school. The common ones are being: responsible, accountable, dependable, honest, trustworthy and moral. However, there is one that many parents do not concentrate on even though it might be the most important one of all.
The key character trait that is missing in so many of our youth is resiliency.The simple ability to bounce back, to overcome obstacles, to get back on the horse, to try, try again. The key for a child to become resilient is for the parents to empower their children, not enable them.
I have been teaching parenting classes for over 10 years. I have been doing family counseling and some mentoring with teens for the same period of time. It is incredible to me that so many parents think it is better to enable their children then to empower them. Instead of letting their children learn from their mistakes parents think it is better to keep them from making mistakes or to take them off the hook when they do make a mistake.
When I first started teaching 5th grade students their teachers asked me to spend special time on the issue of empowerment particularly as it relates to projects. The teachers stated that they are tired of grading projects that were done by the parents. I believe that parents do not want their children to have any type of failure because it would reflect badly on them. What parents don't understand is that in the long run enabling will reflect badly on their children's future.
When I was growing up enabling was never an issue. If I would ask my father to help me with a project he would simply say "whose project is it? When I was devastated by not making the varsity high school basketball team that event had no impact on the family. "Life goes on" When I didn't get into the college of my choice again the family didn't miss a beat. When my first love dumped me like a cement bucket again the message was "put it behind you son." Like so many of you my child hood was filled with disappointments. My mom would shower me with empathy but not sympathy. She always allowed my disappointments to fall where they may.
On November 12th, 1995 my biggest test confronted me. My 19 year old son was killed by a drunken driver. The previous weekend the family was at Birmingham Southern College witnessing the team telling Curt that he had just been elected captain.
At 1:30 in the morning I saw my son lying on top of a hospital bed with a simple bandage covering his head. My wife told me that he tried to hang on for me but he just couldn't do it. I screamed out in pain and several adults rushed to my side. Without any decision making on my part I left the room and went looking for Curt's friends. I got them all together and we prayed. A few days later I spoke at the funeral and I forgave the drunken driver. Still in shock I went to work the following week. My life was on auto-pilot and someone else was flying the plane.
Six months later I lost my job of 23 years. At that time it was my job and my coworkers that were keeping me together. I had been promised by the company that I would be given another job. However, when the final decision was made by a corporate officer I was told that in two months time I would no longer have a job. I refused to take this decision lying down and was able to obtain a one year severance package that covered most of my needs.
Now my grieving took on a new level of pain. What was I going to do with my life? How was I going to be the husband and father that my family needed?
Much to my surprise I received a call from a local high school counselor. She knew of me because of some work I had done with a local nonprofit organization that helped students to say no to drugs and violence. She told me that she wanted me to present an assembly to her high school students. I thought her idea was ridiculous. What would I say to them? However, my Pilot thought it was a good idea.
I will never forget my last day of work. I drove to the Tampa Airport and checked into the hotel. I had a Saturday morning flight back to Nashville. I went out to the pool and as I dangled my feet in the water I was over whelmed by emotion. I no longer had a job. I had a speech to give in a few days and I had no idea what I was going to say. In addition the permanency of Curt's death became very real. As the tears started to flow my Pilot sent me a message. He was ready to write the speech that was going to change my life forever.
I rushed upstairs to my room, turned on my lap top and started writing my speech. It took me less than an hour to write a wonderful 50 minute speech. When I was finished I felt like I had just witnessed a brief moment of healing.
To make a long story short, the end my speech was received by a standing ovation. After wards I realized that speaking about Curt's life and death was less painful then keeping my pain inside. Two weeks later I spoke to an inner city high school and the students rushed to the floor to stand in line and give me a hug. This time my healing was more than just a brief moment.
By becoming a resilient adolescent as an adult I have been able to bounce back from some very difficult life events. By writing this article I have come to realize other benefits as well. I have kept a clear mind each time my Pilot has wanted to speak to me. By being resilient I have been able to take my pain head on. I have been able to put most of my life back together. I have been able to help other parents who have lost children. Finally by being resilient I have been able to be the father and husband that my family needed me to be.
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Jim Williams is the epitome of what happens when 'gifting' and 'calling' come together. Since his life change from Fortune 500 Company Financial Officer to Speaker/Motivator, the best fortune for audience groups is the profound impact of dynamic truth he brings. The tragic loss of 19 year old son, Curt, killed by a drunk driver on November 11, 1995 is part of that truth, providing powerful opportunity for Jim to share authentically with youth and adults alike. Now, after twelve years, Williams has been to hundreds of schools across the country and spoken to thousands of students. As Speaker/Presenter, he is used regularly by the United Way and has an ongoing relationship with the National Center for Youth Issues in Tennessee; the Love & Logic Institute of Colorado; and Tennessee's American Legion Auxiliary Volunteer Girls State. As published author of the book "Parenting on Point" and video series "Proactive Parenting", he's been a writer/presenter for United Methodist Publishing's Abingdon Press. For more information, you may reach Jim through his website www.callmejim.org
"This is my calling - this is what I am doing to honor my wife, Carol, and my children's lives."
In loving memory of Curt Williams
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Quotes for the Journey
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Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don't want it. What appears bad manners, an ill temper or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen. You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.
Miller Williams, American Author and Poet
We don't have to engage in grand, heroic actions to participate in the process of change. Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.
Howard Zinn, American Historian
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Into the Dark Woods:
The Journey of a Role Model Sometimes a life journey takes many tragic turns before finding the way down the "heroic" path. In this case, heroic can mean extraordinarily challenging, desire to give up, feelings of shame and regret, but the eventual return to a place where transformation and paying it forward. This type of journey can be seen in the life of John D. "J.D." Hollis.
On July 15, 2001, only three weeks shy of his 18th birthday, the recent high school state wresting champ, football and baseball star, Homecoming King and role model in the community, went to a party after work, with his best friend. After a night of drinking heavily, J.D. and Marc slammed into a tree, killing Marc instantly. As the driver of the car, J.D. was charged with five counts: involuntary manslaughter, fictitious identification, reckless driving, failure to wear a seatbelt and driving under the influence.
Human nature often uses denial to deal with such tragedy. "Well, we go to church and discipline our child," these words do not inoculate teens from making serious errors in judgment.
JD being the oldest of the three brothers. The discipline to excel in three sports did not make him immune to trouble. During his senior year, Hollis began showing indications of serious problems with alcohol. Although he had not (yet) been in trouble with the law, Hollis' parents took away his license "several" times. He describes his family, as a church going and caring" who watched their son begin to change his senior year. During the "beach week," JD was arrested for under age drinking, only weeks before the fatal accident.
The week of the accident, Marc and JD committed to each other to quit smoking pot and stop partying so much. MArc said "I want to do something with my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a nobody living in New Kent, VA. I'm going to go back to school and get back on track." JD told his mother the same thing. During the interview, JD said, "The message from that is don't wait until next week. Change today."
While in the hospital after the accident, Hollis woke up and a priest was standing at the end of his bed and his parents were holding each of his hands. The priest broke the bad news. "I have some bad news for you JD. Your friend did not survive the accident you got into last night." When he left the hospital, he went to see Marc's family and they held one another and cried. "It was hard for me that they accepted me and forgave me."
After the accident, nearly dying himself, facing ten years (or more) of major time and the knowledge that his actions took his best friend's life, Hollis recognized he had failed his family and community...and himself. Four months later, after the community petitioned the court for lenience, the final legal decision was sixty days in an adult jail, 9pm curfew, three year suspended license and 300 hours of community service. Instead of being a wake-up call for Hollis, it began an even more serious spiral into more drinking, serious drug use, more legal trouble, stints in rehab, "a nervous breakdown" and dropping out of community college. Hollis said his actions at that time were "tearing the family apart." In many stories of life journeys, those who have sacrificed a great deal are often not acknowledged. The family and friends of J.D. and Marc faced tremendous challenges after the accident. The financial, emotional and physical sacrifices were great for the Hollis and Putney families. Marc's mother experienced and fatal stroke within a few months of the death of her son. The Hollis family continued to try to put the pieces back together and it wasn't easy. 
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Another jail stint began to get the 20 year old's attention. When J.D. got out of jail, his grandmother introduced him to a community program. The program focused on God and service. Things began to get better as he began to serve others in the community. His troubles were not yet over. With another alcohol incident in another state and six more months in jail, the tables slowly began to turn for Hollis. During his community service, he was required to go to high schools and tell what happened with his drinking and his best friend and his story began to have a positive impact on other teens. Seeing the importance of the message and the ways he was serving the community, Hollis began to be healed.
The transformation began to change him in dramatic ways. After making a promise to play football with his brother who had recently served in the U.S. Army in Bosnia, J.D. went back to college with the initial help of an uncle, was able to make good enough grades, and eventually transferred to Christopher Newport University where he play college football and eventually graduated. It was there he met his wife, Sloan.
The young couple lost their first child, in utero, after discovering the child would have serious birth defects. Now expecting another child in May, the Hollis' plan on naming their son "Aidan" - meaning "little fire." "When you come through fire and make it out, you learn to be resilient."
J.D. Hollis now works as a counselor with troubled teens in Virginia. He regrets what his family, particularly his parents and brothers, had to go through because of him. "I let a lot of people down. There came a time after the continued trouble that people quit believing in me. I was tempted to give up at times, but I kept going."
During our interview, I asked him what he hopes to teach Aidan. Hollis replied, "I want him to learn to be resilient. We can use our gifts for good things or bad. I was hard-headed I wouldn't listen to others. Now I use it to help me not give up on myself or others. I want him to use his gifts for good. I don't want Marc to have died in vain."
Since the accident, JD's father quit drinking and has been sober for nine years.
So, a heroic journey doesn't always look heroic. We always have decisions, each day, how we choose to live our life. We can choose to keep trying, keep recommitting to our goals and gifts, or we can give up. What do you choose today?
In memory of Marc PutneyJanuary 14, 1983 - July 15, 2001
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Calling for stories and articles on resilient living |
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The Heroic Journal is a newsletter about people who faced challenges of all kinds and came through those challenges stronger, wiser and able to give back something to others. If you would like to submit or be interviewed about a part of your personal life story, or share a professional writings about resilience and the heroic journey, please contact
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NEED CONTINUING EDUCATION HOURS?
Social workers, psychologists, nurses, psychiatrists, drug and alcohol counselors, pastoral counselors, marriage and family therapists, case managers, teachers, recoverying individuals and just interested heroes can attend full-day training.
The Psychology of Resilience:
A Multi-Modal Framework for Thriving Using the Heroic Journey
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May 11, 2010 - Harlingen/South Padre Island, TX
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Living A Resilient Life: Understanding Your Heroic Journey
So, you are facing life challenges and have the desire to come through it with wisdom and flying colors. Learn about a framework which has stood the test of humankind and is also found in every culture around the world and in every major religious/spiritual tradition. Through this framework, you can more effectively convert challenges into experiences of growth and transformation for you, your family (including your children) and professional life.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
8:30am - Noon
or
Friday, April 23, 2010
2:30pm to 6pm
Cost - $75.00 (includes manual)
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The Heroic Journey comes to Middle Tennessee!
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Melissa (Missy) Bradley, MS, NCC, BCETS, FAAETS
The Omnibus Center
2550 Meridian Boulevard, Suite 200
Franklin, TN 37067
(Cool Springs area)
Seminars, EMDR, Performance Enhancement, Personal and Professional Development
Distance consults and supervision available.
Certified PayPal |
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