November 2009 Newsletter

Center For Family Connections November, 2009

Dear Friend of CFFC,

The following is the speech that I gave on November 10, 2009, the night of our Auction/Awards ceremony, Courage and Curiosity, at the lovely Hotel Marlowe. I read something on the internet (no citation) about the value of teachers, and I renovated and reframed it for this speech. I was told it was very inspiring to the people who heard it and want to share it with the larger CFFC community in hopes that you will also want to make a difference.

Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao
CEO and Founder of Center For Family Connections

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Welcome

I welcome you to CFFC's 8th Annual Courage and Curiosity Fundraiser and 15th Anniversary as a non-profit. The theme this year is:

Lost in Plain Sight.

My grandmother used to say, "Children should be seen and not heard," but in fact, most children aren't heard at all--let alone seen.
Their voices aren't considered "valuable."
They don't vote.
They don't warrant attention in education, health, and mental health arenas.
They mustn't--because funding in these areas has been brutally cut.
Many of the children we work with at CFFC are in the world of adoption and foster care because of abuse and neglect; all of them because of loss and disconnection.
These children are often neither seen, nor heard. They are often invisible to the general public, to legislators, to judges, to lawyers, and even to the people in their own community, and sometimes, just sometimes, even in their own families.

These children are truly lost in plain sight.

(This story is a composite of eight different adolescents that we have seen at CFFC, but it gives a sense of the problems that most of these lost children--and the families who are trying to help them--undergo).
   I told a story here of Edie: age 15, anorexic, and cutting, hospitalized twice this past year, and in day programs three times. How much must that have cost? Over $40,000.
   Our work might have prevented some of those programs from being necessary. Our lost Post Adoption Earmark would have allowed us one full-time therapist to work with this family in ways that would have prevented some of the insurance and state funding that it required (the salary and benefits would have equaled that $40k, and he/she could have helped many families).
   By the way, Edie's family insurance will no longer cover "inpatient," though she is still not safe. Is she seen?
   Her parents just learned, from her high school guidance counselor, that she has 'friended' her birthfather, Eduardo, on Facebook. She did this, and then things moved quickly, and she is scared by what she has done without guidance. She doesn't feel that she can talk to her parents about it, and they, frankly, aren't ready to hear any of this--they are still frightened to death that she is going to hurt herself again.
   One of our therapists sees Edie once a week-all that insurance will pay at this point--but that therapist spends about four hours plus per week on collateral work, phone calls and, more recently, contacting Eduardo to try to do some psycho-education with him by phone. She is also talking with Edie's parents and Eduardo together so that they can all do what is in Edie's best interest. It seems that neither the birthfather nor the adoptive parents are really seeing Edie through their own pain and issues of loss and loss of control. Edie is just another child who is lost in plain sight.

The professionals who work with children are also often invisible.

Their pay scales are low. They are not held in high esteem by some people who base one's worth on salary. Their schools, agencies and centers (like CFFC) get funding cut and cut again, and they are not given the support to help save everyone money by helping to heal these children and their families.
These kinds of professionals who work with children will never make large fortunes and rarely make front-page news.
But the question in this time of funding cuts is...

What Do Therapists Make?

   The guests were all standing and sitting around Hotel Marlowe at the CFFC event, discussing life.
   One gentleman, a corporate CEO, began discussing current problems with the healthcare system and children's mental health, particularly the role of therapists.
   He asked, "What is a kid going to learn about himself from talking to someone who decided to work as a therapist--someone who listens to kids problems all day and doesn't make enough to live on sometimes? What kind of job is that? What kind of role model is that for a kid?"
   To emphasize his point he said to another guest, "You're a therapist, Nora. Be honest. What do you make?"

   Nora, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied,

"You want to know what I make?"

   She paused for a second and began:

· "Well, I make kids think and play harder than they ever thought they could. In my office, they are acting out their dreams and nightmares and trying on new roles and new ways to act and react in the safety of play.

· I make kids learn to regulate their feelings of sadness and anger and learn how to focus without necessarily taking drugs.

·    I make a successful group, game, or project, and I make kids feel like Nobel Prize winners when I praise them and boost their self esteem.
·    I make kids sit through 50 minutes of therapy time a week, when their parents often can't get them to sit for 5 minutes of anything without an IPod, game cube, or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?"

   She paused again and looked at each and every person around the table.

·    "I make kids wonder about themselves and learn about themselves and how they think and what feelings are and how to talk to themselves inside their head in order to calm down the traumatic thoughts and invasive memories they have inside and to push ahead to healing.
·    I make kids question why they feel certain emotions and how to contain them.
·    I make kids have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
·    I make kids write, and draw, and sing their lives.
·    I make kids and youth from other countries and cultures learn everything they need in order to survive in this culture, while preserving and celebrating their own unique cultural identity and that of both of their families, by birth and by adoption.
·    I make kids and parents communicate better.
·    I make my office a place where my clients feel safe.
·    I make kids understand that they are good people, that the bad things that happened to them were not their fault, and that if they use the gifts they were given--by their birth family and by their adoptive family--work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life and they can heal, even from losses, traumas, and mistrust.
·    I make kids talk about how they come from two or more families and cultures, and how important they are as the person who holds a link to both of those families."

   She paused one last time and continued.

·    "Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, I--knowing money isn't everything--can hold my head up high and pay no attention, because they are probably a bit ignorant.

You want to know what I make?

I make a difference in the lives of children and families."

   And then she asked everyone in the room...

"What do you make?"

There was silence.

These children are lost in plain sight.

   Help us, at CFFC, to get the funding and attention needed for the children we work with--and exist for--every day.
   We host this event, our annual fundraiser, in November in honor of National Adoption Month, and in honor of the extraordinary courage and eager curiosity of the children and families in adoption, foster care, kinship care, guardianship, and all complex blended families.
   This is our fifteenth year as a non-profit, although we were in existence prior to that for another seventeen years as PACT (Pre/Post Adoption Consulting Team) and as ARC--both founded by me in my passion for making the lives of families and children in adoption better and more clearly understood.
Sometimes I wonder: have I done what I set out to do?

·   When I see our funds cut by over a third
·   When I see us having to cut back--and cut out--more and more of our services
·   When I see us have to go from having staff, to having contractors (though we have the best people at this time), but they need jobs and benefits and want to be staff
·   When I see us work so hard to do our day-to-day work, and to put on events like this to build relationships with the community and to raise funds for our programs

   I wonder if some of our officials really do care about children and about the traumas they experience, and the losses they carry, and the impact that their past has on them and on both their families by birth and their families by adoption.
   It is because of these kids that we give awards each year to people who are doing great work under the radar, with little notice taken, lost in plain sight.

This year, our awardees are:

Annette Baran
Courage to Enlighten and Educate Others about Adoption and Alternative Reproductive Technologies

Annette Baran, MSW, ACSW, LCSW, is one of the pioneers in the field of modern adoption. As co-author of Adoption Triangle--the first book to advocate opening sealed records--she helped to bring about significant changes in the institution of adoption and influenced the practice in agencies throughout the world. Her career has included clinical and administrative work in adoption agencies, teaching and training, research and writing, expert witnessing, consultation, and the private practice of psychotherapy. She is also co-author of Lethal Secrets, the first book to examine the emotional aspects of donor insemination and other alternative methods of reproduction. Besides her many writing credits, she has also appeared as a recognized expert on numerous television shows and documentaries, keynoted conferences, and lectured in foreign universities.

Alison Larkin
Courage to Educate and Entertain Others about International Adoption Through the Stage, the Song, and the Sentence

Alison Larkin is a bestselling author, comedienne, and keynote speaker. She currently lives 25 miles outside New York City, with one tall husband, two small children, and one medium-sized laptop computer, on which she completed the first of what she hopes will be many novels.
Springing from her internationally acclaimed one woman show, in her hilarious, poignant first novel, The English American, she draws further from her experiences as an adopted English woman who finds her birth parents--and a new homeland--in the United States and weaves them into a compulsively readable work of fiction. A Vogue most powerful book of the season, The English American is receiving rave reviews everywhere and has just been optioned by the British film company Bright Pictures to be turned into a movie! Alison is currently at work on her 2nd novel. Find out more about Alison Larkin at http://www.alisonlarkin.com

Darryl McDaniels and Zara Phillips

Courage to Educate Others about Adoption
and Fostering Through Music, Video, and Advocacy

   Darryl McDaniels, a member of the biggest hip hop act throughout the '80s--Run-DMC--was born May 31, 1964, in Queens, New York to a teen mother. He was adopted at 3 months by Byford and Banna McDaniels. At the age of 35, Darryl began to work on his autobiography and went to his mother for more information. The information she shared with him changed his world: she told him that he was adopted. In 2006, and with VH1 along for the ride, he chronicled his search for his birth parents on a reality show documentary entitled DMC: My Adoption Journey. The program ends with Darryl reuniting with his birth mother. He thanks her for her choice because, had he not been placed for adoption, Run-DMC would have never existed.
   In September 2006, Darryl was presented with the Congressional Angels in Adoption Award for his work with children in foster care and the promotion of adoption. He founded a summer camp providing 170 foster children with a childhood experience.
   He is currently working on writing an updated autobiography (his earlier autobiography, King of Rock: Respect, Responsibility, and My Life with Run-DMC, was written before he found out that he was adopted) and his second solo album, entitled The Next Level.

Zara Phillips began her professional career working as a backing vocalist for various U.K. artists. In 1995 she moved to Los Angeles, where she continued writing new songs and performing solo. In 2005 Zara finished work on a new CD entitled When the Rain Stops, produced by 2006 Grammy Award winner Ted Perlman.
   Zara directed and produced an adoption documentary entitled Roots: Unknown. This educational and informative film focuses on the emotional influence adoption has on adoptees and their families. Her music provides the soundtrack for the film.
   In addition, Zara is also an author. Her book, Mother Me, is about Zara's personal journey to motherhood from an adoptee's point of view. This is an intensely personal and compelling memoir in which Zara describes her feelings and explores her relationships with her adoptive and birthmothers, and invites the reader to join her. Zara regularly facilitates workshops and presents her work at events related to adoption issues, along with performing her music at clubs in NYC and New Jersey.
   Zara recently recorded a song with Darryl MacDaniels of Run-DMC entitled "I'm Legit." The song was written to bring awareness to the issue of sealed birth records in the U.S. It is for this collaboration and their work with children and youth in adoption and foster care that both Darryl and Zara are being honored this evening.
To hear their song "I'm Legit," go to: http://www.youbloom.com/web/zaradmc

   Today, I invite you to help us to get the funding and attention needed for the children we work with, and exist for, every day; to help us to shine a light on them, so that they are no longer lost in plain sight, but are seen and heard and cared for by all of us.

November is National Adoption Month

Are you related to adoption?

·   Were you adopted?
·   Do you have adopted children?
·   Do you have children you gave birth to in an adoption now?
·   Do you have siblings who are adopted? Or who are adoptive parents? Birth parents?
·   Do you have nieces, nephews, cousins, or grandchildren who are adopted? Adoptive parents? Birth parents?
·   Do you have in-laws who are adopted? Adoptive parents? Birthparents?
·   Do you have best friends who are birthparents, adoptive parents or adopted?
·   Do you have neighbors, colleagues, community members who are adopted, adoptive parents, birthparents?

See?
   There aren't many people who don't have a connection and a relationship to adoption!
   Center For Family Connections has long provided cutting-edge treatment and training models in the fields of adoption and complex blended families.
   We have recently felt the blow of cutbacks and are struggling to continue to give optimum services to the underserved in the world of adoption.

You can help us in many ways:

Your donations of $50 to $500 will buy toys, dollhouses and dolls, puppets, books, and art supplies to use with children and families in both of our buildings.
$3,500 will furnish a room in our new training area; it will buy a computer, a phone, and IKEA furnishings and utilities for a therapy/group room in the new building and will allow you to name the room and have a plaque on the door or wall. There are seven rooms to name!
$15,000 from a generous donor will furnish the new Conference/Training room. It will buy video and audio equipment and much-needed furnishings for trainings, such as a refrigerator and microwave. You will also get a plaque and naming rights for that room!

Make a donation to CFFC for our fifteenth anniversary in the name of a person you love who is adopted, an adoptive parent, or a birthparent!

Even more ways you can help:

Find out where your representatives on the state and national level stand on adoption issues. Write to them about cuts in funding for services such as Post Adoption and the other very specialized services at CFFC.
Ask your local TV, Radio and News to feature waiting children during this month. See adoptuskids.org for more information. Ask them to do a story on the great work at CFFC!
Refer new clients, staff, or interns to CFFC
Introduce us to new friends and potential funders of CFFC
Help with our website and graphics
Volunteer some time to answer phones and take care of the office while we are at staff meetings

Be creative!
What do you make? Do you make a difference?

President Obama on National Adoption Month

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH, 2009
- - - - - - -
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
A PROCLAMATION

   All children deserve a safe, loving family to protect and care for them. In America, thousands of young people are waiting for that opportunity. During National Adoption Month, we honor those families that have strengthened America through adoption, and we recommit to reducing the number of children awaiting adoption into loving families.
   America is a country rich in resources and filled with countless caring men and women who hope to adopt. These individuals come from all walks of life, united in their commitment to love a child who is in need of the protective arms of a pare nt. We must do more to ensure that adoption is a viable option for them. By continually opening up the doors to adoption, and supporting full equality in adoption laws for all American families, we allow more children to find the permanent homes they yearn for and deserve.
   This month, we also focus on children in foster care. These children are not in the system by their own choosing, but are forced into it by unfortunate or tragic circumstances. These young people have specific needs and require unique support. Federal, State, and local governments, communities, and individuals all have a role to play in ensuring that foster children have the resources and encouragement they need to realize their hopes and dreams.
   The course of our future will depend on what we do to help the next generation of Americans succeed. This month, we celebrate those families brought together by adoption and renew our commitments to children in the foster care system.
   NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2009 as National Adoption Month. I call upon all Americans to observe this month by reaching out to support and honor adoptive families, as well as to participate actively in efforts to find permanent homes for waiting children.
   IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirtieth day of October, in the year of our Lord two thousand nine, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fourth.

BARACK OBAMA

Check out Upcoming Groups at CFFC!

Supporting Friends of CFFC

AMC Boston Presents:

Appalachian Mountain Club (AMC) Boston Chapter invites families touched by adoption with children between 7 and 16 to join us at Calumet in West Ossipee, NH for this first ever event. This special weekend will offer adoption programming, outdoor activities in a beautiful winter wonderland, and opportunities to make new friends and meet other families touched by adoption.

All of Calumet's recreational facilities and program resources will be available for our use with a Calumet Retreat Specialist assigned to assist us in taking full advantage of facilities. We will plan activities each day based on the group and weather conditions.

Hiking and snowshoeing
Ice Skating on the Lake
Toboggan Run
Cross Country Skiing
Ice Cream Making
Outdoor broomball and basketball court
Campfire on the Beach (weather permitting)

ADOPTION PROGRAM
Between outdoor activities, children will gather for age-appropriate adoption-related activities designed to help them share and learn. Simultaneously, parents will have plenty of opportunity to talk with each other and share their experiences during discussions facilitated by adoption professionals. Adoption programs will be facilitated by Adoption Community of New England, Inc. (ACONE) volunteers.

REGISTRATION FEE: $100 for adults; $75 for children (Includes lodging, meals and all activities)

Contact Jeanne Blauner with questions or to sign up for this fantastic program.
jablauner@comcast.net or (978) 368-1199

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Happy Holidays!

The time is upon us again! The cold weather has appeared early this year but that is only more reason to gather with friends and family in the warmth of your home. Having an affair of sorts to celebrate the upcoming holidays, like Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas, as they represent the best time of the year.

The foliage is beautiful, the air is crisp and the Winter season in itself brings about a mood that is unique to this time of year and encourages all of us to work to make the time with others as special as possible.

Each person and each family celebrates this time of the year differently. For some it is a time for lavish parties and get-togethers to celebrate each holiday. Others may be satisfied with staying in, warm and cozy by the fireplace. Others still may want to celebrate this time of year in their own way, with a wedding or a special function to take advantage the beautiful backdrop the landscape provides, as well as the wonderful feelings it brings.

Whatever holiday you recognize or what your celebration style is, Rebecca Caras is there to help. Her experience in the culinary as well as event planning worlds give her a high level of understanding of what the client wants. Not only that, she is innately able to be in tune with what sort of atmosphere and menu to create, even if you are interested in allowing her creative control.

For your next event, think of how you envision your surroundings. Imagine your friends and family gathered together in a beautiful, warm, illuminated setting and allow Rebecca to create just such an environment. Her expertise will ensure your satisfaction and your guests will be impressed with the level of care and consideration put into the event.

For Your Next Event Please Call Rebecca Caras at 617.877.4629
or Email at RebeccaCaras@gmail.com

_______________________________________

Center For Family Connections
350 Cambridge St.
Cambridge, MA 02141
P: 617-547-0909
F: 617-497-5952
www.kinnect.org

Inspired?
Please consider donating any of the following items to CFFC

Furnishings:

Small Refrigerator
Microwave
Toaster

Technology:

Mac Computers
Laser Printer for Mac (HP)
Printer/Scanner/Photograph Printer
Flat Screen TV for Training
DVD/VCR
Speakers
Microphone
Projector

Supplies:

Easels and Flip Charts
Markers
White Boards and Markers

Toys:

Dollhouses
Dollhouse furnishings and multicultural people
Baby dolls with supplies (bottle, crib, clothes, diapers)
Monster figures/Superhero figures
Art supplies
Small figurines for sand play tables (new or gently used)
Puppets
Games
Children's books

__________________

Regina Brett's 45 Life Lessons (And 5 to Grow On)
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written."

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
..

_________________

Notes on the Swine Flu

Please keep children home if they are very sick with fever this fall and winter. (You may think this doesn't need to be stated, but in some cases, children are brought for session when they are very sick).

CFFC would not want to part of the way that this flu spreads!

The only portals of entry for this flu are the nostrils and mouth/throat. In a global epidemic of this nature, it's almost impossible to avoid coming into contact with H1N1 in spite of all precautions. Contact with H1N1 is not so much of a problem as proliferation is.

While you are still healthy and not showing any symptoms of H1N1 infection, in order to prevent proliferation, aggravation of symptoms and development of secondary infections, some very simple steps, many of which are not fully highlighted in most official communications, can be practiced (instead of focusing on how to stock N95 or Tamiflu):

1. Frequent handwashing

2. "Hands-off-the-face" approach. Resist all temptations to touch any part of face (unless you want to eat or bathe).

3. Gargle twice a day with warm salt water (use Listerine if you don't trust salt). H1N1 takes 2-3 days after initial infection in the throat/nasal cavity to proliferate and show characteristic symptoms. As Grandma always said, simple gargling prevents proliferation. In a way, gargling with salt water has the same effect on a healthy individual that Tamiflu has on an infected one. Don't underestimate this simple, inexpensive, and powerful preventative method.

4. Similar to 3 above, clean your nostrils at least once every day with warm salt water. Not everybody may be good at Jala Neti or Sutra Neti (very good Yoga asanas to clean nasal cavities), but blowing the nose hard once a day and swabbing both nostrils with cotton buds dipped in warm salt water is very effective in bringing down viral population.

5. Boost your natural immunity with foods that are rich in Vitamin C (citrus fruits). If you have to supplement with Vitamin C tablets, make sure that it also has Zinc to boost absorption.

6. Drink warm liquids (tea, coffee, etc)--as many as you can. Drinking warm liquids has the same effect as gargling, but in the reverse direction. They wash off proliferating viruses from the throat into the stomach, where they cannot survive, proliferate, or do any harm.

Take care of yourself and those around you by helping to prevent flu to spread!

*These notes were sent via a client and given to her
by her yoga instructor. They seem to be easy and organic ways to stay healthy and wise!*

Furry Friend of CFFC

Goose

Nicoise--the "other" therapy dog