Marty L. Cooper, MFT
4831 Geary Blvd. San Francisco, CA 94118
martycooper@mlcooper.com
www.mlcooper.com
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June 2008 Vol. 1, Issue 12
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Greetings!
I hope the beginnings of summer are finding your well. In San Francisco, our summers depend on the day and the neighborhood, but here at my office in the Inner Richmond, it's been clear blue, even hot, for the last week. We'll see about tomorrow...
And speaking of dependance, the article for this month concerns the difference between what I'm calling skillful and unskillful dependence, which is a big issue for those who struggle with depression and anxiety.
The wild moods thrive on "unskillful dependence," on those times when we're either under or over-using our psychic muscles, when we're either not recognizing our strengths, or (especially) our needs for support. Many of us have learned through painful early experiences that we have to buck up and go it alone, because reaching out for support was either to risk falling (because it was not available), or to risk condemnation (for being "weak").
The result is a learned reactiveness to feeling need itself. Either we get anxious ("I have to have X, but can't get it, but have to have it..."), or become depressed ("I can't have what I need, so I can't continue"), or some of both.
In psychotherapy, I think of the movement towards "skillful dependence" as largely a matter of making small declarations of one's needs, and then taking the risk of allowing others to support you. It's only through these experiences that one can learn that one can be safe and need others, and actually have our needs satisfied. Ironically, it's through allowing oneself to be supported that real, sustainable, and resilient strength is built.
Best wishes, Marty
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Skillful Dependence:
The courage to take support
The other day, another milestone for my beautiful nephew Benjamin: just passing his first birthday, he toddled
from one parent to the other, getting a little push/support off the starting
line, and a quick catch at the finish.
This is after some months of his wheeling around on the house, holding
onto walls and couches and chairs, and knees and the edge of prone parents, and
finally his walky cart. And that after
some months of more and more skillful crawling, as supervised by his folks. It's a bit like watching some kind of magical
box, that once the "go" button is pushed, it opens and unfolds, pauses, then
unfolds with another amazing form.
It's funny, though, what we take for granted in infants and
children, and then learn to studiously deny to ourselves.
As adults, the general notion is that we're not supposed to lean on things. And that's often the message we got at some
point in our childhood or adolescence:
don't depend on anything or anyone, because if you do there's something
wrong with you. If you're male, then it
means you are weak, feminine, and in possible danger. If you're a woman, then you're histrionic,
clingy, and weak. (There's certainly a
cultural gender bias here, in terms of dependency, with woman be encouraged to be more
relational, nurturing, connected. But
having to lean on someone or something for support, that's got a pale cast to
it regardless of gender.)
This is one of the misgivings I hear most often with folks
new to psychotherapy: "I don't want to
have to be dependant on you or on therapy."
What I say in response is, "My work is not to encourage weakness; my work is helping you learn to recognize
when to be skillful dependence."
So what do I mean by "skillful dependence"? Skillful dependence is what Benjamin was
unselfconsciously and without apology displaying in his run-up to the Big
Walk. Namely, he recognized his need for
support, and took it. He didn't debate
his need; he simply saw it, and went
about getting it so that he could learn what he needed to learn. That's the natural relationship to need.
But what happens with unskillful dependence is that by leaning
on crutches--be they people or habits or addictions--we avoid building the
muscles that we naturally have available to us, for building, and effectively
"outsource" parts of ourselves. That is,
we have the capacity, and refuse (for whatever reasons) to grow it as it
naturally wants to be grown.
The other unskillful dependence, is what is known in
psychology as "counter-phobic": we are
scared of the feelings/experience of dependence (of recognizing that we don't
or aren't all we need), and so decide that we're never, ever, under any
circumstances going to be dependent.
Here one leans towards the caricature of American individualism, the Texas of the soul, the
classic American male.
But what happens here is that although strength is actually
built, and things often get done, the achievements are made possible by a rigid and patterned
building of the psychic muscles. The
strength is one of resistance and stubbornness, which, if the only strength
available, is actually quite brittle at its core. And the consequence of that strength being
overcome is of a profound collapse, because what's underneath that hard shell is
unformed, unable to tolerate stress without coming apart.
Also, the other consequence of not being vulnerable to one's
own need, is that part of you knows how secretly, truly vulnerable you are to
serious hurt, by virtue of that very rigid strength that has been
cultivated. So this makes it even harder
to grow because your very survival at some level is taken to be the result of
the armor that is worn. And if it's worn for a long time, one even starts confusing the armor with one's self...and then it can be terrifying if not inconceivable that there's actually something softer and subtler underneath. It's very hard to remove the armor then.
So, then, skillful
dependence is what happens when we can tolerate the reality that we actually
need each other. Learning doesn't really
happen unless we can realize this and allow ourselves to be children (in
relation to what's to be learned), which means that we need support and
help. To push that away is to short
circuit the learning process. Or for
emotions and relationships, it stunts the maturation process. In order to grow, we simply need support. And at some point, when we are strong enough
to stand on our own, to continue with the same kind of support is actually to stunt the
next stage of growth (imagine what would happen if that supportive structure
holding up the space shuttle never let go when the rockets fired).
What is created when one allows the world to support us,
allows ourselves to be contacted and held in our need, is not at all the feared
dependency. It's actually an incredible
resiliency, that of the proverbial reed in the river, bending with the currents
quiet and torrential. We become skilled
in knowing how much of what we actually
need to keep growing and developing, and we become unafraid of showing what's
actually true for us, that we do need support and we do need each other. |
Recent Online Articles (May 2008)
"The Body Unconstrained: The signatures of the wild moods" (5/5/08)--How the wild moods show up in the body. Click here.
"The
Diet of Experience: The ongoing choosing of what we need" (5/25/08)--On
choosing our experiences based on our needs. Click here.
"The
Complexity of Depression: FSU's study on the media and 'chemical
imbalance'" (5/28/08)--A report on the media's coverage of depression.
Click here.
(Past articles can be found at my articles page by clicking here.)
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About Marty
Marty Cooper is a San Francisco psychotherapist who helps individuals struggling with anxiety and depression to not only manage these "wild moods," but eventually learn how to overcome them. His background in both Western approaches to healing, as well as Eastern mindfulness practices (meditation) give a wide range of perspectives and techniques to bring to the work of taming mood.
Marty's passion arises out of his
deep understanding of how painful anxiety and depression can be, and
his wish to help others learn how to avoid overwhelm, as well as to
find meaning in experience that can otherwise at times just seem pointless.
Joy, connection, and a life not ruled by fear are all truly possible.
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EMDR--therapy for trauma
So, what is EMDR? EMDR stands for "Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing," and is an extremely effective, evidence-based, way of working with trauma, that can lead to a full recovery from post traumatic symptoms, in some cases within a few sessions. Even very old, entrenched sufferings can be loosened and removed. People really do experience freedom from beliefs and pains that have pained them for decades.
But EMDR is also effective for clearing old memories that are not overt traumas. For instance, issues such as phobias, stuck patterns in relationships, general anxiety and depression, all can be helped with the targeted use of EMDR. Sometimes, because of the more "systemic" quality of these issues, more time and sessions are needed, but the results can still be remarkable and deep.
If you are interested in more information, you can look at the information on my website (click here), or feel free to give me a call.
(For a fuller introduction to EMDR, Transforming Trauma by Laurel Parnell, is a great place to start. Click here.)
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Services
I offer psychotherapy to those who are wanting to learn deeper and more effective management strategies for their anxiety and depression, as well those who wish to find out how to overcome these wild moods. I work comprehensively with mental, emotional, bodily, and spiritual dimensions, all of which are necessary to overcome the chronic quality of anxiety and depression.
If
you are looking to make changes that last, then please call me and set up an initial phone consultation, so we can see if or how I can best be of service.
Marty L. Cooper, MFT 415.835.2162 [email protected]
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