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Acknowledge
The fact that your child is struggling is not earth shattering news to them. In fact, it's certain that he or she has already sensed that something is wrong. Grades aren't good and you aren't pleased. Free time is non-existent and they have already labeled themselves as failures.
It's important to take the first big step. Begin your discussion by stating that you understand how difficult life is for them today and how you would like to help. Point out that proper organization is directly related to their academic success. Explain to your child that these essential skills will allow them to become more independent, productive and confident. There will be less tension at home and, best of all; you won't be on their back all the time!
Support
Make an hour appointment with your child; a mutually agreed time, free of distractions. If you find there's resistance, you can always say something like "I've been noticing how we've been fighting a lot about your homework and grades (or how stressed you've been lately about schoolwork). Neither of us feels good about this. Can we talk about making things better? I want to listen. I would love to hear what has or hasn't worked for you in the past. Let's figure this out together."
Discuss the benefits of being organized:
- Homework gets done faster
- There is more free time to do things they want to do
- Less yelling, fewer punishments
- Less frustration, less stress
- Better grades
- More confidence
Reinforce
If you want your child to be more self-motivated and preserve your relationship, keep it positive. Punishments don't teach skills. You can always find something that's praise-worthy. There is no right or wrong way to organize...just a consistent pattern that works with their own personal style.
Reinforce the positive patterns that are being established. This is your opportunity to tell your child that it's not their fault; that in fact, school has changed along with teachers' expectation. These skills are seldom taught in school. They are now taking important steps to become a better student, family member and friend.
Engage
Let your child pick the time for both of you to work together. Encourage them to ask questions and make suggestions along the way. Have them select the type and color of supplies needed. Make your child feel part of the process; let them assemble, create labels, decorate and make decisions on how they want things to work. The more control the student has in the systems, the more chance they will use them.
Supervise
You need to "quietly" supervise all new skills until they become routine. This is not something you teach once and assume it's done. It takes practice, practice, practice to create a new behavior.
Monitoring progress is a challenging step for most parents. While encouraging your child to use what they've learned, it's important to appear that you've stepped away. Most of the time you won't be needed, but occasionally you will provide a safety net.
Ask your child if they would like your initially involvement by modeling the organizational patterns you've both established, such as double-checking papers or confirming that they've placed homework back into their binders to travel back to school. Although this can alleviate a great deal of their stress, the goal is to have your child be accountable and develop the confidence to take over these tasks.
When All Else Fails
If the relationship with your child is dissolving, it might be time to call in an organizational specialist. Many times, kids don't want to listen to their parents, no matter now they are approached. They would rather learn from an outsider. A coach not only teaches skills, but checks in frequently to ensure continued growth.
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