Tools of Hope ToolsLetter #105

What's up with the BUTS?

Seriously.

I have a secret. I know something that sucks the life out of you. It limits you and keeps you from doing the things that you want to do. The things you really know you need to do. It holds you back.

It takes your success. It squanders your gifts, strengths, and passions. It even squanders your money and your relationships.

IT'S THE BUTS IN YOUR LIFE.

Not your butt (no, it's not a typo.) YOUR BUTS.

I've taught this for years in sales trainings. Now, I use it (very effectively, may I add!) with my individual coaching clients and in some of my workshops. Very simple. Very impactful.

It's the awareness that when you use the word BUT in a sentence, you effectively negate the words that came before it. You're pretending to say YES, and then you dismiss it with BUT. Yes, BUT.

Read that again really quick.

We do it so much that we don't realize that when we use it like that, it puts us into a victim, or martyr stance.

It makes us sound weak. It makes us think weak. If you have a choice, will you choose weak or strong?

I bet you chose strong. 'Cause that's who you are meant to be.

So here's the HOW:

___________

BUT example:
I'm really sorry that I got mad at you,
BUT
when you were late, it really ticked me off.

BUT TRANSLATION?
When you were late, it really ticked me off. I'm not really that sorry - I want to justify myself, though.

JUST SAY NO TO BUTS TRANSLATION:
I'm really sorry that I got mad at you. Period.

___________

BUT example:
I'd really like to ___,
BUT
I don't have the money right now.

BUT TRANSLATION?
I don't want to spend that money right now. I'm probably not telling the whole truth - I probably have the money, even though I'm using it for something else...(like mortgage or car payments, or food.)

JUST SAY NO TO BUTS TRANSLATION:
Even though I'd like to ___, I'm using my money toward different goals right now.
OR
I'd really like to _______, AND I'm tightly budgeted right now and that doesn't fit into my budget.

___________

BUT example:

I know I really should exercise / eat better / lose weight / take care of myself

BUT
I don't have the time.

BUT TRANSLATION?
I don't have the time.
I'm controlled by my time.
I'm a victim of time.
It's not my fault.

JUST SAY NO TO BUTS TRANSLATION:
I know I really should take care of myself AND I haven't done it.
OR
I know I really should take care of myself. I haven't made it a priority.

___________

Take a second and look back at the red phrases. Say them to yourself.

Now read the green ones and say them to yourself.

Do the red or green ones sound stronger and more in control?

So.

Quick Tool >>>>>
Be aware of your Yes, BUTS. Listen to people around you and see if you hear BUTS.

Quick Tool >>>>>
When you apologize, try it with NO BUTS in the conversation. Just say NO to BUTS. Take accountability for what you are saying sorry for! Then you will have a better chance of being sincere in your apology.

Quick Tool >>>>>
When you are working on getting rid of your Yes BUTS, insert AND and see how it changes your sentence. It will strengthen your thoughts, your sincerity, and your stance. You will find that it is a more honest way to communicate. It's a fascinating dynamic.

Act on your new perspective.
Take steps, move, and
grow toward your goals that you've been BUT-TING.

Build the life you REALLY want.