Remember that Spiritual Butt-kicking I wrote about a few weeks back?  Apparently the Holy Spirit isn't done with me yet as I find myself on the emotional rollercoaster - sadness, rage, depression, despair, frustration, more sadness and more rage.  In situations like this, I am grateful for the gift of my own Spiritual Director who helps me find my way out of the emotional jungle.  While relaying this experience to her, she dropped one of her miraculous transformation bombs that at first I resist, but in spite of my efforts to avoid, they burrow deep into my soul and force me into a period of reflection offering me the opportunity for healing and personal growth. 

As I shared this experience, she asked me to talk about the source of these emotions.  What surfaced was a relationship that I thought I had long-ago left behind.  And as I reflected on this relationship, my ego-filled victim stepped in, whining and kicking:  "I'm so angry at this person, they did this to me, they did that to me, they took this from me, they lied to me, they manipulated me and stole my gifts, my dream and my vision for their own advancement.  Whine.  Whine.  Whine.  Blame.  Blame  Blame.  Blah Blah Blah"   Then the self-deprecating voice stepped in with flogging whip, "I should have known better.  I have no one to blame but myself.  I saw all the signs and I forged ahead anyway, giving away all my power.  Thank you sir, may I have another!"

My Spiritual Director patiently and compassionately listened as my victim finished her tantrum, then she dropped the transformation bomb, "Lauri, how long are you going to hold on to this?"  SSSCCCRREEECCCCHHHH!  Darn it!  She was holding up the mirror of my ego-filled, grudge-holding, shame-filled self and I DID NOT want to look. 

Again, the invitation it seems, is about forgiveness.  Could I forgive the other person for the way I perceived them to have hurt me, andcould I forgive myself for being vulnerable and human?  When I step outside of my egoic self, I can look at this experience for what it was, a very important opportunity to learn and grow as a person (which I obviously have not yet completed) and to let go of some unhealthy attachments to which I had been clinging.  My victim, however, wants nothing to do with growth, she just wants to be mad, hold a grudge and cultivate resentment against this person and the surrounding situation.  What my Spiritual Director did was invite me to look at why I continue to choose resentment and how I am being invited to allow this pattern to be transformed. 

When I look at the propensity to hold grudges, it strikes me that resentment does seem to serve a purpose - for our fearful, vulnerable self anyway.  Holding grudges creates a perceived strength and power within that gives the illusion of protecting our vulnerable hearts from further damage.  Furthermore, it allows us to construct a false perception of superiority over the person we perceive to have harmed us.  Standing in resentment, we temporarily feel strong, defended and impervious.  The unfortunate truth is that this strength is only an illusion.  All the grudge does is reinforce our false perception as separate beings, separate from each other and separate from the love of God.  In this place of separation, we are unable to remember the true source of strength - the love of God that is our true nature - and the true nature of all of humanity!. 

It is for this reason that Jesus spoke so highly of the practice of forgiveness.  Forgiving ourselves and forgiving others allows us to let go of the "protective" armor with which we have surrounded ourselves and open up to the love of God that is not only in our very midst, but is our very nature.   When we are firmly rooted in the awareness of this love, it is easier to recognize the woundedness of others and to stand in compassion with their imperfections and mistakes as we stand in compassion with our own.  We are able to do this because we know that our strength lies not in our perceived separation, but in the truth of Oneness with God and with one another.  Only in practicing forgiveness can we ever hope to dissolve the perceived separations that cause us all this suffering.   

So as I face this ever-elusive virtue/grace of forgiveness, I am once again humbled at my own inability to fully embrace the truth of God's love.  I know it in my head, but it has not yet fully been embraced in my heart.  So in this state of humility, I am comforted in remembering that I (we) do not have to accomplish this alone. God is at this moment, doing the work of transformation within us. 

 

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

(Ezekiel 11:19)

May we be open to allowing our divided, stony hearts to be transformed by the love of God!