Dear Friends,
During December, most of us will be celebrating important markers in our spiritual lives. For me, that is Christmas. Christmas is a time that promotes the giving of ourselves, whether through time, money or other means. Few people understand the cost of giving of one's own time and energy better than caregivers.
The majority of you reading this newsletter are caring for aging adults, as family or professional caregivers. Many of you are doing both.
For most caregivers, the upcoming holiday season will bring extra challenges. How do we help our aging parents celebrate a religious holiday while they are in a nursing home? How do we handle celebrating the holidays in several locations, as many of us do when we have loved ones who can't leave a nursing home to join the celebration that includes children or grandchildren? How do we survive the extra stress of making a holiday "happy", when we, as caregivers, are stretched to the max even during "normal" times?
The only answer that I know of is to simplify. What really matters to your loved one? Yes, some semblance of tradition is important. But mostly it's your one-on-one time. You needn't provide a huge celebration for them. Likely, they tire easily anyway. Just keep it simple. They will understand and even appreciate that.
After my heavy duty caregiving started, I gradually eliminated some festive decorating. I went from decorating several rooms to a simple Christmas tree and a few favorite Christmas decorations, including the children's stockings. The family adjusted, including the kids. I decorated my elders' nursing home rooms with a poinsettia in each room along with heritage ornaments that were meaningful to them. I let the rest go.
My baking gradually wound down to a few family favorites that we shared with our elders in their own environments. People seemed to understand that I was doing my best. At any rate, I was aware that all I could do was all I could do. I needed to figure out my own limits. When guilty feelings crept up, I reminded myself that I, too, count. My best had to be good enough.
Your best is just fine, my friends. You need to take care of yourself if your family is to have a good Christmas. That's the unadorned truth.
Blessings to you and those you love this holiday season and all year,
Carol
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Hello!
Welcome to Minding Our Elders! Our hope is to break
the isolation that caregivers often feel. We'd also like to share information and ideas that will help and comfort you along your caregiving journey. Thanks for reading.
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Have a realistic holiday season
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There's an image of holiday perfection that our culture encourages. Starting with Thanksgiving, we are inundated with fantasy images of perfect families happily enjoying each others company during a holiday meal. Most of us have memories from our childhood that feed this drive toward the Norman Rockwell nostalgia of holidays past. If we lived it, we want to duplicate it. If we didn't, we want to create it.
Few of us can measure up to the fantasy - caregivers least of all. There's so much denial of today's reality in these images resurrected each holiday and thrown at us by every means, from advertisements to blockbuster movies. These images feed expectations that are impossible to meet.
The "average" family is vastly different than the average family of yore. Today's families are often a patchwork of children, step-children, step-in-laws, step-siblings and elders of varying degrees of relationship and health. Add to that the fact that people marry later and often have children at an older age, and you've got a package that often includes young children, teenagers, young adults, forty-something caregivers, a parent who's had a stroke or two, and maybe one with dementia.
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Mood, cognitive ability improve in people with dementia after cataract surgery
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After reading a report - the first of its kind - on how cataract surgery can benefit people with Alzheimer's disease, I wrestled with some personal, if unfounded, guilt. My dad didn't have AD, but he did have dementia induced by a failed brain surgery.
Before his surgery, Dad's sight was poor at best. The fact that he also had cataracts was known, but after the brain surgery threw him into severe dementia, his cataracts became a minor problem. Or so the doctors thought.
At the 2011 Annual Meeting of the American Academy of Ophthalmology recently held in Orlando, Fla., researchers from Tenon Hospital, Paris, France, presented findings that "patients with mild Alzheimer's disease whose vision improved after cataract surgery also showed improvement in cognitive ability, mood, sleep patterns and other behaviors."
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Is it time for your loved one to stop driving?
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One of the toughest battles many caregivers face is convincing their elders to quit driving when it's no longer safe for them to do so. Even after family members realize their elders should no longer be behind the wheel, they often are at a loss as to how to approach their elder about driving cessation. Adult children and spouses of those with dementia know their loved one depends on driving as evidence-both symbolic and practical-of independence. Who wants to take that privilege away from anyone?
Many elders may argue they can drive just fine. They may drive significantly under the speed limit. They may hug the center line, or the curbside of the street. They may back up the vehicle without looking behind them because they can't turn their necks. But they can drive just fine if you listen to them tell their story. Giving up driving seems to be the end of life as they know it, so they dig in their heels and refuse.
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You can help reduce loneliness of elders during the holidays
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It's very human to feel that holidays should be happy times, with generations of traditions coming to the forefront. After all, we say we celebrate holidays. Doesn't that mean happiness? The reality, however, is that many people can feel isolated and lonely during this sometimes forced "season of good will."
Elders can have an especially hard time with the holiday season. While aging and maturity can bring the wisdom of years for many people, there are inevitable losses that come to even the most healthy individuals. Many of these losses are emotional and social in nature. Spouses become ill or die. Other aging relatives and friends become seriously ill, or die. Neighborhoods change, often leaving even those well enough to remain in their own homes feeling friendless and isolated. The holidays can bring this isolation and a feeling of loneliness to a head.
You, the adult child of a parent who may seem depressed during the holidays, can do much to help. Yes, you are busy and stressed yourself. However, by simplifying the holiday season all around and concentrating on what really matters - people - you can offer your parent help through what can be, for some, a time of discouragement.
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About Carol
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Caregiving expert Carol Bradley Bursack, Author,
speaker and columnist, presents a collection of
articles, stories, news and research for you to
browse. Please check the blog and Web site links for
more information and feel free to email Carol at
carol@mindingourelders.com to chat or ask
questions. Minding Our Elders is a registered
trademark.
If your group or organization would like to buy "Minding
Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories"
in bulk, please email carol@mindingourelders.com
for information. Bulk rates are available.
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