A Note From Carol
Dear Friends,
I view holidays and celebrations with more caution than I did when I was a young innocent. Maybe it's the years I've spent caring for elders who often feel little reason to celebrate. Maybe it's the fact that, because of dementia, some of my elders, particularly my dad who suffered severe, "instant dementia" after a failed brain surgery, could not really grasp what we were celebrating.
Yet the nursing home where they lived made a big deal out of special days. Our lives at any stage need markers to give some chance at setting one day apart from another. For elders, celebreating these special days may be be the only way to make one different from another.
It was painful for me to help Dad go through the motions of sending Mom flowers on Valentine's Day. It was painful for me to sign the card "he" got for Mom, since he couldn't buy one himself. However,I felt the most pain when I had to lift his hand, in which I'd place Mom's card, and help him give it to her. Their pain was my pain.
Mom, too, had her problems. I did pick out the cards she gave to Dad, but she could sign them herself. I did order the flowers she "sent" to him, but she knew she was sending them.
These holidays still can bring tears to my eyes when I think back on them. Yet, I'm not sorry I went through the motions to help my parents celebrate their love. Their love was real, and Dad had always given Mom anything he could. He'd loved celebrating Valentine's Day with her. I couldn't let that tradition end.
So, once again, as a caregiver, I did my imperfect best. I physically helped Dad through the motions, as if he were a puppet. However, I know love was in his heart. So did Mom. That made every effort worthwhile.
Many of you will feel challenged by this Valentine's Day, or by a birthday or other time you feel the need to "celebrate" with your elders. Just do your best. You can't change what's happened, but you can try to make the best of the situation. Your efforts are worthwhile.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
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Welcome to Minding Our Elders! Our hope is to break
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National Alzheimer's Project Act (NAPA) becomes law
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Most of us who follow Alzheimer's disease and what it does to the people who have it, and the families affected, as aware that this is a huge, and growing, national problem. As boomers age, we'll be seeing many more people who need care, and this care is expensive.
There has been a bill waiting to be signed into law, known as the National Alzheimer's Project Act (NAPA), that should help folks with the disease and their family caregivers. Many of us sent emails or called our Congress people saying we want this bill passed.
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A chapter from Minding Our Elders is available on www.eldercarelink.com when you sign up for the newsletter. The intererview with Janice, a caregiver with a complicated situation (whose isn't?), may be of interest to you or a friend.
Blessings,
Carol
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How to handle a loved one with dementia who lies
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When a person succumbs to any form of dementia, it's hard on family and friends. We hate to see the diminished capacity of a loved one spiral downward.
We hate to see someone we love be so frustrated. However, one of the worst things we have to cope with is the fact that a person with dementia has a flawed memory, and this flawed memory can cause them to tell others terrible things about us, simply because their brains aren't working correctly. To them, what they are saying is true.
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Sharing meals with our loved ones as dementia takes its toll
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Until I became a full-time employee at a newspaper, I'd made my noon hour the regular time for a daily visit with my elders in a nearby nursing home. Early on, that meant picking my mother up at her apartment and taking her along with me to see Dad who was the first to need nursing home care.
Eventually, Mom needed nursing home care, as did my mother-in-law. I was then spreading myself out during the lunch hour, trying to be a part of the meal with each of them. Needless to say, I wasn't always successful in carrying this out to everyone's satisfaction, but I tried.
What brought these thoughts to mind was an essay about a family sharing meals with their loved one who has dementia.
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When do elders lose the right to make their own decisions?
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Most of us want to have as much say in our futures as we can, for as long as we can. As caregivers, we recognize this desire in our aging loved ones, but we also worry abut their safety. When do we bite our tongues and let them decide how much help they want, and when do we need to interfere? The timing is different for everyone, but respect lies at the base of this question. Our elders deserve respect and that often means letting them make decisions we disagree with.
Many elders want to remain in their own homes for as long as they can. Sometimes this is a viable decision and sometimes it's not. Often, with help from family, friends and perhaps a good in-home health agency, the elder can remain at home for months or even years longer than he or she could, alone.
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Kathryn Kilpatrick offers new brain teasers based on reminiscing
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Speech-language pathologist Kathryn Kilpatrick is one of our hands-on care veterans on Eldercarelink.com. Kilpatrick is using her experience and expertise to offer some help for people trying to keep their own brains active, or help a loved one stay gainfully occupied
Kathryn Kilpatrick, SPC, is a geriatric communication consultant and memory fitness specialist. She is the president of, as well as a writer and blogger on Eldercarelink.com.
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About Carol
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Caregiving expert Carol Bradley Bursack, Author,
speaker and columnist, presents a collection of
articles, stories, news and research for you to
browse. Please check the blog and Web site links for
more information and feel free to email Carol at
carol@mindingourelders.com to chat or ask
questions. Minding Our Elders is a registered
trademark.
If your group or organization would like to buy "Minding
Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories"
in bulk, please email carol@mindingourelders.com
for information. Bulk rates are available.
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