Human beings, especially loving human beings, seem to have a penchant for "beating themselves up" over imperfections. This isn't the place to go into all the various psychological issues that make us feel we need to do everything perfectly, but the most common and obvious issues generally stem from trying to please our parents by being very, very good, and not feeling as if we measure up.

Just because we are all grown up, doesn't mean we are, well all grown up. A part of us still wants to please. Couple this need to please our parents, spouse or other care receiver by being the perfect caregiver with the other demands of life - often growing children or dependent grandchildren, an outside job, keeping up a home, paying bills and running errands - and stress begins to rule our lives.

Most people find some satisfaction when a goal of some type, even a small one, is achieved. Why should people with Alzheimer's feel differently?

According to an article on Medical News Today titled, "Achieving Goals Empowers People with Dementia," researchers at Bangor University, Wales found that "people who received cognitive rehabilitation felt their performance of daily activities improved.

Nearly anyone who has known or cared for a person with Alzheimer's has heard the heart-breaking plea, "I want to go home. Take me home."

The caregiver often first responds with, "You are home!" Sympathy, mixed with frustration, can cause caregiver angst. It seems nothing we say or do works.

Even if it we stumble upon something that sooths our elder one day, that exact response gets us nowhere the next. Before long, we once again hear him say, "I want to go home."

I was a little surprised at the attention that a spinal-fluid test to predict Alzheimer's is getting, because I first learned of it some time back throughAlzheimer's Daily News

The recent news seems to be about the accuracy of the test. The New York Times recently covered this subject in an excellent article titled, Spinal-Fluid Test Is Found to Predict Alzheimer's.

People stare. Most aren't unkind, they are just curious, but when someone "different" from the norm becomes part of their environment, they often stare - without intending to be unkind. Anyone who has cared for a disabled child knows this. Anyone who has a visible disability of their own knows this.

However, caregivers of people with dementia may have more difficulty coping with the stares of the public because the person they are caring for is the person who was once their dignified father or magnetic mother.

"They finish each other's sentences." How often have you heard that said about a happily married couple? This is generally considered a tribute to their harmony. However, when long married couples do this automatically, finishing one another's thoughts and sentences can gradually expand into filling in for memory gaps and even doing tasks the other spouse forgets or can no longer successfully complete.

Often, this is not a conscious effort on the part of the spouse filling in the gaps. It's just a gradual process of caregiving that comes naturally. Many times, it takes a catastrophe of some sort, such as a stove fire because the wife forgot to turn off the stove yet again, and the husband didn't think to check the stove before bed. After such a potential disaster occurs, one or both spouses generally open their eyes to what has been going on.

Caregiving expert Carol Bradley Bursack, Author, speaker and columnist, presents a collection of articles, stories, news and research for you to browse. Please check the blog and Web site links for more information and feel free to email Carol at carol@mindingourelders.com to chat or ask questions. Minding Our Elders is a registered trademark.

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