A Note From Carol
Dear Friends,
November is National Caregivers Month. Does that
have anything to do with Thanksgiving?
I guess that depends on the day and the degree of our
exhaustion. Many of us are deeply grateful for many
things in our lives, including the knowledge that we are
helping to make life easier for our elders. Under all of
that gratitude, however, is often a lot of anxiety and
worry.
My sandwich generation years - which, come to think
of it, took up most of my two decades of caregiving -
brought anxiety that still lingers. How do I give my kids
the kind of holidays kids deserve and still take care of
the elders? Which of the elders would benefit from our
going to get them, finding creative ways of getting them
up our steps without scaring them, finding ways to get
them to the bathroom without embarrassment or
discomfort on their part and helping them be part of
the family setting? And who would only be made more
anxious and afraid? How do we decide?
How do we figure out the time to spend with (a) the
kids, (b) the elders above who need to be brought
home and (c) the elders that would do better in their
own surroundings, hence we will be spending time
there? It's always hard, and I never did it perfectly.
Chances are, neither will you. You will do your best, as
I did. And your best has to be good enough. Don't
forget that you are part of the equation. If you exhaust
yourself trying to do exactly the right thing for everyone,
you may end up not being able to do anything for
anyone.
Sit down. Take a breath. Make lists. Figure out what
configuration will work best for the most people this
year and then do what you can. Remember that you are
human and forgive yourself for that. Let some of the
fancier things go. Do as much as you can and then
stop. And be thankful that you are so important to these
people that they want you to take care of yourself, even
if they can't express it. Keep gratitude in your heart,
even when you don't feel it, and give yourself a break.
No one deserves a little imperfection more than a
caregiver during the holidays.
Quick Links...
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Hello!
Caregiving expert Carol Bradley Bursack, Author,
speaker and columnist, presents a collection of
articles, stories, news and research for you to
browse. Please check the blog and Web site links for
more information and feel free to email Carol at
carol@mindingourelders.com to chat or ask
questions. Thanks for reading.
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Preserving Your Loved One's Dignity
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Alzheimer's disease and other dementias rob our
loved ones of their personalities. We are often left
wondering whether we should try to preserve the
person, in the eyes of others, as they once would have
wished to be seen? Or do we just give into reality? Do
we just accept who they are now, and let go of the
past? What would they have wanted? How do we
decide? I was faced with this problem with my Dad.
Dad was the absent minded professor type -
intelligent, bookish, with a rumpled suit and fly-away
hair. My mother made it her business to haul him off to
get new clothes, and smooth out his hair, to make him
neat. It wasn't that he wasn't clean - he was. He just
wasn't tuned into looks. He was an intellectual, a
dreamer, had always been dignified, though not stuffy.
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Hospice and Palliative Care: Helping People Die
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No one needs to die in pain. That's what the hospice
social worker told me, as I signed the papers that
would put my dad on hospice care. No one needs to
die in pain. That's the mantra of hospice, and it
became my mantra, as well. I had to believe it, as my
dad had suffered so much.
For weeks, each time I walked into Dad's room in the
nursing home, he'd be rigid in bed, up on one elbow
and slamming his fist against his hand. Pow! Pow!
Pow! Over and over, he pounded fist against hand. I'd
try to get him to relax; to lie back. He couldn't
comprehend. Pow! Pow! Pow! He was trying to knock
out the pain.
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I want to share this with you...
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A reader who began with my column, but has begun to
read my other work, has written such a kind and
expressive review for Amazon, that I'm taking this
opportunity to share it with you. I've communicated
enough with Skip Jones to know that he is the primary
caregiver for his daughter. That my work helps
someone involved in "younger care" is very rewarding.
It's getting toward Christmas, and MOE would make a
great Christmas gift for a caregiver. So, forgive me, but
I'm going to toot my own horn here, by passing on Skip
Jones' comments.
"An Enormous Gift to Caregivers and Caregivers to be
Skip Jones, Human Resources Professional
This book is far more than a delightfully well-written
collection of inspiring stories.... The book really seems
to prepare one for something one can't prepare
for!!...It's quite brilliant...through a collection of vividly
told stories, the reader has actually been there, ...with
differing elders, personalities, needs, wishes,
emotions, settings, timetables, etc.. ..all are unique, yet
all are similar in that they are all trial and error on the
caregivers part...uncharted waters you will just get
into ...but the hope of the book (to me) is that the
caregiver finds out there is no "right" way....far to many
forces are at play... beyond the caregivers control...so
you suck it up, do the best you can.. ..and don't fight
natural events and ones desire to have done a better
job. Readers are really lifted with more confidence,
less guilt, and the definite feeling of not being alone.
You will learn that you are not going to be perfect, but
you can get the job done by doing the best you can. We
can't be Carol, but we can learn from her going before
us. What a friend to all caregivers. What a gift she has
given us.
Skip Jones, Human Service Professional and family
caregiver.
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Featured Site: Agingcare.com
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Agingcare.com: The Community for Caregivers
Agingcare.com is hot off the press, so to speak. The
launch is today, November 1, 2007. This site has
sections on caregivers, finance, living, health and
community.
Full disclosure: I have written an article about hospice
for Agingcare, which you see above.
I'm very impressed with their range of topics, their
unique content and very sincere "feel." I like being on
the site and hope to see it grow.
Their mission statements includes these words:
Agingcare.com will enhance the lives of caregivers by
creating the most expansive community of support,
easy access to scrutinized resources, cutting edge
product information and unique, original content to
assist them in making the most informed choices for
the elderly. Our website provides an independent
editorial voice that assures the caregiver that subjects
covered are not influenced by outside entities with
specific agendas.
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