I Fired God The Other Day . . .
He just wasn't working for me any longer. I had been begging, no pleading for a miracle. I suddenly stopped myself and said, "What the F#@k am I doing!" "Who am I praying to?" I realized I had been praying to my Mother's God. The God of my childhood. Not the God of my understanding but of other people's.
This really all started early in the summer when Guru Dev Singh came to town and told me I didn't know where my Center was. Guru Dev Singh is a Kundalini Yoga Master and is considered a living saint in the Sikh tradition. He told me my whole life had been spent with other people's beliefs and not my own. As a result, no real sense of Self.
I thought I had fired that other God a long time ago. The God I had been begging and pleading to at least. That God only supported me if I was good enough, thin enough, gave enough, etc., etc. And I never was any of those things at least in my perception. I always fell just a bit short. So that God would only give me just enough to get by in life. Little tiny carrots of prosperity, just enough to keep me panting for more. Just enough to keep me trying to be good enough, thin enough, give enough, you get the idea.
17 years ago I entered Alcoholics Anonymous. AA was a revelation to me. It had never occurred to me up to that point that I had a choice as to what or who my Higher Power was. I grew up Catholic. My Mother, my brothers and I would huddle in the dark on our knees hiding from our Father to say the rosary. My Father was an atheist. I don't remember him actually trying to stop us from saying the rosary. I just remember the sense of not wanting to get caught.
Over the course of these many years I have I tried on many different belief systems for size. If you ever visit me at my home you can see evidence of these wanderings in every corner of my apartment. I have a picture of Jesus on the wall with a tapestry of the Buddha right above it. I have statues of Buddha's, goddesses, pagan symbols, animal totems, Native American sand paintings, and the list goes on and on. I have very eclectic tastes as far as spirituality goes. None of these explorations brought me to Me though.
During that night of begging and pleading it became clear to me that God was not some bearded pie in the sky He that I had been beseeching all these years but that God is Me. I've tried to believe that these past few years but I never really "got it" until that night. I looked deep inside of me and found God. I also "got" on a completely new level that I AM CREATING IT ALL. I've known that intellectually for years. But I really understood it for the first time that night.
My first reaction was to get really pissed off! What a sucky job of creating I had done. Not really, of course, but that is how I felt at the time.
I am currently discovering new ways of languaging this MeGod. I am using the word Soul until something else comes along. Being human I need a word for all this stuff so it makes sense to me.
Now that I Know That I Am God what is it that I want? I mean really want. I've created so many things in my life out of obligation, shoulds and guilt. What would make me completely happy? All these things will unfold as more of Me is Re-Membered I'm sure. There are many things that I don't understand with all these revelations. For instance, are angels real? Angels were always something outside of me. What about spirit guides? That one's easy. I always have felt my Spirit Guides were me. I still have aways to go to fully integrate You as Me but I'm closer than ever before.
Until then I will Be Me and You Can Be You and We simply Are.
Sat Nam,
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