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Mom,
I am writing you this letter to let go of some issues and resentments that I have with you. I know my childhood was good, but I do not think you know the effects that you had on me from the time I was 13. By the time I was 13 I was that age I felt like I was more your mother than you were mine. I remember coming home from school and you would be in bed dope sick and I would make sure the house was together and that me and bubby ate something before Dad got home. I remember running your dope friends off and you got mad. At age 13 you found out that I was smoking weed and you did not care because it kept my mouth off of you. In order for you to let me go with my friends I would have to give you money for a pill. How do you think that made me feel? I eventually got to the point I did not care and started doing pills with you. That is when my life went to Hell. Now I am dealing with low self esteem, self worth and trust issues. I think you played a big part in it and I just wish you would have taught me to be strong, independent women. I think what we have been through has made me stronger inside. I want you to know that I do love you and forgive you. I just pray you get the help you need some day.
Dad,
I am writing you this letter to let you know that with the help of Jesus Christ and the Pastor at my church I am finally able to forgive you and wish you nothing but love and peace in your life. I still do not know how you could start molesting your own child at four years old. I was just a baby. I should have been daddy's little girl but I was terrified of you. You made our home a house of fear. I just wanted to feel safe but never did. If you were not doing those awful things to me you were beating all of us kids or you were scaring us to death by beating our mom. I am still scared to death of water. You almost got caught in your dirty little secret that night and to save yourself you threw me into the water and I almost drowned but you jumped into the water and acted like you were saving me and that you were a hero. You forced me to eat out of garbage and degraded me any way you could. When I was left by myself I was more scared that you would come home early from work than I was a stranger breaking in. You molested me for eight years and messed me up for all of my life. I became a drug addict as an adult and have fought that battle for many years. I am now clean and Freedom Hall has saved my life. Thanks to God I now have peace in my life and I am no longer on drugs and for the first time I love life and I am happy.
Dear Mom,
I am still trying to understand why, why did you leave me with Mamaw for the first couple of years of my life. Did you not love me? I was your newborn. I know that feeling when my two boys were born and I did not want to leave their sight. Then you came back from Germany with Dad and divorced Him and you gave me to my Dad and Stepmom. You did not fight for me at all. When I think about my childhood and who I looked up to growing up, it was my stepmom. I called her mom because she was always there and you were content with me calling her mom. Even when I visited on holidays and summers you were never there. You were always out of town or with some random guy. When I needed you the most, when I watched Dad beat my Stepmom, you took me in but you were drunk all the time. You let me run completely wild like you did not care at all. You acted like I was a burden. I should have known better than to come for you for comfort. You did things to me that I will never understand you supplied my alcohol, cigarettes and my drugs. I cannot ever remember you telling me that you loved me growing up. You continuously put me down. You accused me of sleeping with your boyfriends which still disgust me but then you turn around and try to sleep with my boyfriends. I gave you so many chances and forgave you over and over but it seems so hard this time. I cannot help but love you, you are my mom but I refuse to be who you are, it scares me every day. I am going to get help for my addiction and I help you do someday as well.
Dad,
My entire life growing up I went back and forth between you and Mom. I thought it was the coolest thing because Mom always taught me to do the right things and you did just the opposite. You taught me how to do all the bad things how to fight, you taught me about drugs, sex and money. I was always drawn to you and your way of living. Whenever I was in trouble you always had my back. You would tell me I was wrong and that I was in big trouble, but I really knew that you did not care, I mean how you could, and I learned it all from you. The older I got the closer we became, we did all kinds of things together but then you gave up on life. You quit your job, you lost your house you became a burn for life. Suddenly I could not make you happy, everything I did was not enough. When you got like that I got really depressed and did not care about anything. Your girlfriend was so mean and I hate her with every ounce of my heart. I have thought for hours about hurting her, you took on her kids as your new family. You have given up on me as you seen me in the worst of my addiction. Your girlfriend made you quit talking to me and the last I heard you move to Texas. The heck with both of you all I want to do now is hurt both of you if I ever see you again.
World,
I learned at a pretty young age how to put barriers up in my life to protect me from allowing people to get to close. I just started hiding and isolating from people because I never really fit in anywhere and I started pushing everyone away in my life because I felt the only thing I ever did was hurt people in my life. I felt like a worn out tire that has no purpose but to be in the way and nobody really knows what to do with it or how to dispose of it. I felt like a jack ass out in the field all alone and if anyone got to close I'd bite them or kick them away. I guess all of this crap that happened in my life will be good fertilizer and will help things grow in other people. But right now I feel like a dried up old leaf blowing across the ashes of my life and the lives I have burned up in my addiction just going wherever the wind blows me. I feel like the more trash that I pick up out of the yard of my life; the more it just keeps blowing out of the dumpster. I know if I do not figure this stuff out I am going to end up in a casket soon.
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