News from HEAL - Khrista is back and Horse Dance Video

I believe that one of our most basic human desires is to be fully known, while being held in a space of complete acceptance and unconditional love. However, many of us, including myself, have a deep fear that if people really knew us, knew everything about us; our fears, our struggles, our insecurities, even the things that we are truly passionate about, we would be rejected and alone. I have spent most of my life being afraid of that rejection, and therefore, rejecting myself and my own potential, while still harboring a deep longing for a safe place to be fully known.

I attended one of Leigh's workshops this part March, and was so encouraged to be around others who had a desire to connect with themselves and their horses in a deep and meaningful way. But even in this setting, I still felt a fear that I wouldn't fit in, that I would be "different" in some way, and that ultimately, I would be rejected. After we did introductions and laid the framework for the weekend, Leigh asked us all to go out and meet the herd, one by one, and notice any feelings that came up as a result of being with a particular horse. I went out, did the exercise, and returned disappointed and embarrassed. I remember telling the group: "I feel like all the horses rejected me." None of the horses seemed at all interested in my presence, and even if they did notice me, most of them stayed on the opposite side of their paddock. Secretly, I was wishing for some deep and instant connection where a horse would come trotting up next to me, and affirm their acceptance of me.

I spoke to Leigh during a break, and explained that I knew that it was impossible that every horse was rejecting me, and that my feeling of rejection had to be more about me and what I was saying to myself, than what the horse was actually doing. She pointed out that I may be so hyperaware of being rejected that I read any behavior as rejection since that is what I expect. As the truth of that began to sink in, I realized just how much I was holding back so that what I feared would not come true, and as a result, I was creating that very thing that I feared. As I became aware of this, I decided that I didn't want to live in that place of fear and rejection, and that I wanted to practice being me, being authentic, and this was the perfect opportunity to do that. At this point, I had no idea what it looked like for me to act authentically, and was still unsure about this group of people. In all honestly, I thought, "Well, I'll probably never see these people again, so even if they reject me, I don't have much to lose."

As the weekend progressed, I was surprised when I started making connections with a couple of the women, and they seemed to show a genuine interest in who I was. I was so blessed as well, to be a witness to their courage as they opened up with me and the horses about their fears, their desires and their insecurities. I was surprised to find that we related so much in those areas that we try to keep hidden. I was gaining confidence that this truly was a safe place to be authentic.

The final afternoon approached, and Leigh explained the exercise which she calls "horse dancing". As I stood before Gallant in the arena, and the music started, I closed my eyes for a moment and said to myself: "This is it. This is my moment to be authentic and to let myself out to play." As I opened my eyes, I took a deep breath and looked in awe at this beautiful creature standing before me, just waiting for my first move. I forgot the group of people in the corner watching me, and I forgot about my fear of looking like a fool. I let go of my fear that Gallant would reject me, and that I would be left standing in the center of the arena alone. We started out slowly, moving back and forth with each other, and I sent him out, trotting, then cantering around me. As he bucked in playful joy, my whole soul came alive. He joined back up with me, and we flowed through the length of the arena, our strides matching in harmony. I ran beside him, and my heart sang with a feeling of connection and belonging. Tears of acceptance and freedom welled up from my inner being, as I watched Gallant embody the joy that I felt inside. I was so amazed at this deep connection that opened up to me when I allowed myself to be free, and I was astonished to discover that the result of being authentic was deep connection, not rejection.

I've thought about that moment many times in the last couple months, as I've strived to discover what it means to live authentically and in the moment of my every day life. I still struggle with my fear of rejection, but I remind myself often of the beautiful connection that happened that day at the barn with Gallant, and with the other participants of the workshop, and I choose to walk forward in hope.

Click here to watch a beautiful video of Jessica's dance with Gallant!