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Instant "Ahah!"s #8: Sharing Your Day = Instant Intimacy
From Increased Intimacy to Increased Sensuality/Sexuality
Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director Week 3 |
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PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
The Creative Edge Focusing (TM) e-newsletter is unique in that it teaches actual applied exercises in each issue which you can practice at home. To maximize learning, you will of course not just read about the exercises but try to find time to try them out.
Every four week cycle, we practice the same three different exercises, or variations, each week. We practice them deeply enough to integrate them into your life at home and work as actual tools in your tool box. So, opening each email and practicing the exercise leads to learning.
Please feel free to pass these e-newsletters on to your friends and colleagues. This is one way to start building your own supportive community of like-minded people.
And use what we are learning in the Interpersonal Focusing series in this cycle, as well as the Complete Focusing Session on Articulating Positive Experiences. And Instant "Ahah!" #1 to work on "What is in the way?" in terms of finding a partner or getting your existing relationship back on track.
FROM INCREASED INTIMACY TO INCREASED SEXUALITY
Setting Up "Dates" To Insure Opportunity
Instant "Ahah!" # 8: "Sharing Your Day" will increase intimacy, sensuality, the desire for sexual closeness. However, even in the best of relationships, keeping sexuality alive seems to be aided by "making dates," setting up specific times as protected space for sexual intimacy.
Remember, within a set up time, you can be as spontaneous as you want. Some people may find a certain routine creates a ritual "Sacred Space," for others it may be important that "anything can happen." However, once the early romance is over, and especially when jobs and children and chores and TV can gobble up all available time, it is important to set up "dates" (just like when you were first getting to know each other) which guarantee an opportunity for sexual intimacy to arise.
The longer couples go without having sex, the harder it can become to bridge that gap. And having sex really does increase intimacy for some people, rather than the other way around (increased intimacy increasing sexual desire). So, many couples find that aiming for two to three sexual encounters per week, along with daily"Sharing Your Day," can be optimum for keeping the sexual channel open in the midst of busy lives.
Even including lighting candles, starting music, doing massage to increase sensuality, 45 minutes to an hour can be plenty of time for a wonderful sexual encounter. In the beginning, it may be important to allow more time to take away pressure. But having a wonderful, memorable "date" takes little enough time that couples can make a commitment to fit that time into their schedules.
Erotic Equality: Untangling Sexual Desire
So, one partner might say, "Two to three times a week! But I hardly ever feel like having sex!" and the other might say, "Two or three times a week! That is nowhere near enough times to meet my need!" And upon this difference in sexual desire many relationships have foundered.
Here are some possible solutions. They are based in the ideas of equality and negotiation basic to the entire Creative Edge Focusing model. However, for some people, they may break sexual taboos, so, if you are uncomfortable with these suggestions, feel free to stop reading! These are all links to Dr. McGuire's blogs:
Erotic Massage To Increase Desire
INSTANT INTIMACY, FINDING PARTNERS, DEEPENING SENSUALITY : The "Sharing Your Day" Exercise Itself
This four weeks, the exercise is to be done between committed partners, friends, family members. It is a basis for keeping intimacy alive in long-term relationships. I will also share what I know about how this intimate sharing can carry over into increased sensuality/sexuality.
instant "ahah!" 8
Sharing Your Day : Instant Intimacy
� Kathleen McGuire, Ph.D., 2007
Creative Edge Focusing ™
www.cefocusing.com
Time = Love
With your significant other: Every day, and I mean religiously, set aside about 40 minutes to sit down and "share your day." Get a drink or a snack or go in the hot tub -an uninterrupted space away from other family members. It might only take 20 minutes, but it is ideal to have plenty of time available.
At a separate time, you can also do this with your children, each person having an uninterrupted turn.
Just Warm, Silent Attention: No Interruptions, No Criticism
Each person gets to talk without interruption, refreshing in his/her own mind and describing to the other the events of the day, usually in chronological order, often starting with the night before: anxieties, dreams. The speaker gets to share every event of the day which rises to consciousness, no matter how trivial it seems. This can easily take about twenty minutes
The other person simply listens quietly, not saying a word (Well, maybe an occasional "Wow!" or "How interesting!" or "Oh, no!" or "Yikes!").
Then, when the first speaker is done, it is the other person's turn - same deal: No interruptions, no opinions, no judgments.
No Problem Solving
And no problem solving. At least initially, save problem solving for another time, or do it before or after. Too easily, problem solving can eat up the sharing space, and intimacy is lost. Problem solving can also bring up conflicts, not wanted in this sharing space. And fear of problem solving can make people dread sharing time, instead of looking forward to this peaceful, intimate lull in a busy day.
Intimacy = Sharing
That's it!!! You will thoroughly understand what your significant other does all day, the frustrations, the tedium, the other people in his or her world, the small joys, the conflicts, the stresses, the successes, the low points, the high points. And each person will feel that their life is valid and valuable, no matter how trivial or repetitious it may seem to be.
Over time, you will get to know each other intimately, and this intimacy will carry over into other areas of your shared life. Intimacy increases sensuality and sexuality between partners. Intimacy also leads children to turn to their parents when needing help.
Instant "Ahah!" s 2 and 3 show how to use both passive and active listening for problem solving. But, here, you are using passive listening simply to let your partner or child be the center of attention. At the same time, the speaker becomes the "center of attention" to him- or her-self, taking the time to fully receive his or her day. |
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| About Creative Edge Focusing (TM)
Mission: bring Core Skills of Intuitive Focusing and Focused Listening, and The Creative Edge Pyramid of applications from individual to interpersonal to organizational, to all audiences throughout the world.
Dr. Kathy McGuire, Director
Location: Beaver Lake in Rogers, AR
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These materials are offered purely as self-help skills. In providing them, Dr. McGuire is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. | |
| Creative Edge Focusing (TM)
Dr. Kathy McGuire
Director | |
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